The Inner Monologue of a 17 year old at a Strip Club
Holy shit. I can't believe I got into this strip club. This fake ID totally worked! It doesn't make any sense: it didn't work at the 7-11 an hour ago when I tried to buy a can of Foster's. It must be the lighting in here. I probably got one of those fake ID's that only works under black light. That's cool, though; as long as I can use it to get into strip clubs for the next nine months, it was well-worth the $200 I paid for it. Okay, now that I'm inside, I've got to stay cool. They can probably still kick me out if they discover that I'm only 17 and 3 months old. Just be casual.Act like this is the thousandth time that you've been in a strip club, and tits tits tits tits tits. Holy shit. Tits. There are tits right there in front of me. This place is amazing. I know that's what happens in strip clubs, but seeing it first-hand...it's breathtaking. Those tits are glittery, too! I bet they smell like cucumber-melon. Oh man, there's some more tits over there, too! Everywhere I look, there are titties! How late does this place stay open? Can I stay here forever?
There's a hot cocktail waitress coming around. Should I ask to see her tits? Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know if it's acceptable. If I see her show her tits to someone else, then I'll ask, but not until then. For now, I'll just be casual and play it cool. I'll probably have to order a drink from her. What should I order? They probably don't have Natty Ice here. I guess I should go with some kind of sophisticated mixed drink. I'm not used to those. I don't really know what anything is. Shit, the waitress is almost over here. Okay, don't panic. Just think for a second. I just need to remember the name of one mixed drink. That's it. Dammit, with all these titties around here, it's hard to remember anything except how great that pair of titties that I just saw was. Speaking of titties, that stripper on stage has a nice rack. What did the creepy DJ guy say her name was? I think it was Mary. It was either Mary or Ecstasy, I can't remember which one. Oh! Bloody Mary! That's a kind of drink, right? Yeah, that's what I'll order. Yes! Thank you, Mary or Ecstasy, whatever your name is. Yeah, Bloody Mary. That's totally something that a sophisticated, strip club-experienced, over-seventeen year old would drink. C'mon cocktail waitress, I'm ready for you!
Damn. 18 f*ckin' dollars for a Bloody Mary. I'm such an idiot. Bloody Mary's are probably the most expensive mixed drink you can order. Whatever. I wonder why she asked me if I knew that it was night time. Of course I know that! What a weirdo. She's probably on drugs or something. I heard that a lot of strippers are tits tits tits tits. Holy f*ck. Perfect tits coming right this way. God damn, that stripper is hot as hell. She's super glittery, too. She's glittered to impress tonight. Oh my god, she's looking right at me. She's coming over here. Shit, shit, shit! What the f*ck do I do?! Okay, play it cool. Act casual. Maybe I should try to make my voice a little deeper, so I seem more mature. Okay, she's sitting on my lap now. This is good. This is very good. She smells like Fruit Snacks. OH MY GOD. Is she serious?! Of course I want a f*cking lap dance! Who would say no to a lap dance from a Fruit Snack-scented stripper?! This is the best night of my life!
Hmm. I definitely feel a boner coming on. Do other people in here have boners? Shit, now I'm looking at other dude's crotches and trying to see if they have a boner while there's a hot Fruit Snack stripper straddling me. I'm gonna assume that boners are okay here. It's a strip club. This place probably hosts more boners than a Growing Pains-themed Cosplay Convention. Man, Fruit Snack's tits are kinda sweaty. I think she has some pretty severe scars, too. I couldn't really see them from two feet away, but now that her tits are literally in my face, they're pretty gnarled. They look like two whale carcasses humping each other. Eh, whatever. At least I'm getting a boner out of it. Speaking of boners, this one seems about ready to unload. They probably frown on ejaculating in your pants here. F*ck! I knew I should've jerked off before I came here! Okay, just try to think of something non-arousing. Traffic school. The older sister from Life Goes On. That smell you get when you don't run the garbage disposal for a long tits, and then when you finally run it, the drain tits all of this tits up into the tits and tits tits tits in your face.
F*ck. It's impossible to think of something non-arousing when a Fruit Snack-scented ass is rubbing your junk. Don't panic. It'll be fine. All you have to do is not blow a load in your............shit. I just blew a load in my pants. A pretty substantial one, too. Maybe Fruit Snack didn't notice. Nope, she noticed. Yeah, the bouncer's coming over now. I'm getting dragged out of this place for sure. I guess I'll just have to get that $18 Bloody Mary to go.
STOLEN FROM HOLY TACO
There's a hot cocktail waitress coming around. Should I ask to see her tits? Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know if it's acceptable. If I see her show her tits to someone else, then I'll ask, but not until then. For now, I'll just be casual and play it cool. I'll probably have to order a drink from her. What should I order? They probably don't have Natty Ice here. I guess I should go with some kind of sophisticated mixed drink. I'm not used to those. I don't really know what anything is. Shit, the waitress is almost over here. Okay, don't panic. Just think for a second. I just need to remember the name of one mixed drink. That's it. Dammit, with all these titties around here, it's hard to remember anything except how great that pair of titties that I just saw was. Speaking of titties, that stripper on stage has a nice rack. What did the creepy DJ guy say her name was? I think it was Mary. It was either Mary or Ecstasy, I can't remember which one. Oh! Bloody Mary! That's a kind of drink, right? Yeah, that's what I'll order. Yes! Thank you, Mary or Ecstasy, whatever your name is. Yeah, Bloody Mary. That's totally something that a sophisticated, strip club-experienced, over-seventeen year old would drink. C'mon cocktail waitress, I'm ready for you!
Damn. 18 f*ckin' dollars for a Bloody Mary. I'm such an idiot. Bloody Mary's are probably the most expensive mixed drink you can order. Whatever. I wonder why she asked me if I knew that it was night time. Of course I know that! What a weirdo. She's probably on drugs or something. I heard that a lot of strippers are tits tits tits tits. Holy f*ck. Perfect tits coming right this way. God damn, that stripper is hot as hell. She's super glittery, too. She's glittered to impress tonight. Oh my god, she's looking right at me. She's coming over here. Shit, shit, shit! What the f*ck do I do?! Okay, play it cool. Act casual. Maybe I should try to make my voice a little deeper, so I seem more mature. Okay, she's sitting on my lap now. This is good. This is very good. She smells like Fruit Snacks. OH MY GOD. Is she serious?! Of course I want a f*cking lap dance! Who would say no to a lap dance from a Fruit Snack-scented stripper?! This is the best night of my life!
Hmm. I definitely feel a boner coming on. Do other people in here have boners? Shit, now I'm looking at other dude's crotches and trying to see if they have a boner while there's a hot Fruit Snack stripper straddling me. I'm gonna assume that boners are okay here. It's a strip club. This place probably hosts more boners than a Growing Pains-themed Cosplay Convention. Man, Fruit Snack's tits are kinda sweaty. I think she has some pretty severe scars, too. I couldn't really see them from two feet away, but now that her tits are literally in my face, they're pretty gnarled. They look like two whale carcasses humping each other. Eh, whatever. At least I'm getting a boner out of it. Speaking of boners, this one seems about ready to unload. They probably frown on ejaculating in your pants here. F*ck! I knew I should've jerked off before I came here! Okay, just try to think of something non-arousing. Traffic school. The older sister from Life Goes On. That smell you get when you don't run the garbage disposal for a long tits, and then when you finally run it, the drain tits all of this tits up into the tits and tits tits tits in your face.
F*ck. It's impossible to think of something non-arousing when a Fruit Snack-scented ass is rubbing your junk. Don't panic. It'll be fine. All you have to do is not blow a load in your............shit. I just blew a load in my pants. A pretty substantial one, too. Maybe Fruit Snack didn't notice. Nope, she noticed. Yeah, the bouncer's coming over now. I'm getting dragged out of this place for sure. I guess I'll just have to get that $18 Bloody Mary to go.
STOLEN FROM HOLY TACO