As I walk through the valley...
My papa is dying. Last night, 3 am my mom woke me up, they were taking him to the hospital, she made me go too because of the woman and her daughter that were killed one town over. Turns out the guy who did it was caught around 5 am that morning, but none the less, the whole family ,excluding my brother who was DJing at the strip club ( -.- that's my face of dissaproval ) got up and went to St.Johns. Papa's breathing got real shallow sometime yesterday afternoon and he hasn't eaten or had a sufficient amount to drink for almost a week now. They say that most parkinsons pacients die of starvation because it deterierates the muscles and they are no longer able to swallow. His living will says that he doesn't want a feeding tube, life support, or to be resesitated if he passes. For a while Omi (that's grandma) wanted to give him a feeding tube anyway, and though it doesn't seem right, for some reason the law says that since he's an invalid and she's like a legal gaurdian, she can make that decision no matter what his living will says. But the entire family was against it. We want to respect his wishes and by giving him a feeding tube it's just delaying the inevitable. So they finally told us this was the end. His temperature has been bouncing up and down at it's worst it was 104. So they have hospice on 24 hour notice...he's taking morphene, in this form they rub onto the gums. They've taken him off his regular medications and my grandma has resolved not to force feed him anymore. He would just be getting enough food and water to hang on by a thread for a few weeks and that's no way to live. Basically we're all just waiting. This will be the first time that someone close to me will have died... and I'm not sure how I'm taking it yet. I haven't cried. Almost did earlier. They don't think he'll last 2 weeks...which puts me in a fix. My show is on the 11 through the 13th...and we perform on this friday for the elementary schoolers. Grandma wont have the funeral anywhere but New York because that's where the family is. So I had to tell Jecque, my drama teacher that I might have to go out of state sometime soon. But I don't for the life of me want to miss the show...but I don't want to miss my grandpa's funeral...Luckily...my fears were put to rest. His wishes were to be creamated and my grandma loves the fact that I'm into theater even more than I do myself. She doesn't want me to miss my show and she says that any ceremony they have will be after my show.
Right now everyone in our house solemn. They brought him home so he can die in the comfort of his own bed. And we don't have to linger around a hospital all the time. My Grandma isn't leaving the house...she wants to be with him when he goes. On the other end of the spectum...I feel like I'm suffocating. I don't want to be home, but when I'm not I have a permanant knot in my stomache. And I know it's from guilt. I feel like I should be home, but I can't stay where every word out of everyone's mouth is about death. It's like being in the deep end of a pool, you can't touch the bottom and you constantly have to fight to keep your head above the water. Right now, in our house thoughts of death just submerge everyone, or me at least. I went to school and then work today so that helped. And at work Manna came to see me, and that cheered me up some (Thanks Manna ^.^). But all and all I think I'm staying pretty level headed...so far. Even though I'm far from being really religious...A girl in my chior invited me to a bible study and I really wanted to go for some reason. Another friend said she'd pray for me and that made me feel better too. Maybe it's one of those theoretical....Death brings us closer to God type things...? Who knows. Well I'm off to shower then bed. Night.
(And of course...aside from all this trauma...my Kazaa isn't downloading a damn thing....cherry on the pie of my week.)
Right now everyone in our house solemn. They brought him home so he can die in the comfort of his own bed. And we don't have to linger around a hospital all the time. My Grandma isn't leaving the house...she wants to be with him when he goes. On the other end of the spectum...I feel like I'm suffocating. I don't want to be home, but when I'm not I have a permanant knot in my stomache. And I know it's from guilt. I feel like I should be home, but I can't stay where every word out of everyone's mouth is about death. It's like being in the deep end of a pool, you can't touch the bottom and you constantly have to fight to keep your head above the water. Right now, in our house thoughts of death just submerge everyone, or me at least. I went to school and then work today so that helped. And at work Manna came to see me, and that cheered me up some (Thanks Manna ^.^). But all and all I think I'm staying pretty level headed...so far. Even though I'm far from being really religious...A girl in my chior invited me to a bible study and I really wanted to go for some reason. Another friend said she'd pray for me and that made me feel better too. Maybe it's one of those theoretical....Death brings us closer to God type things...? Who knows. Well I'm off to shower then bed. Night.
(And of course...aside from all this trauma...my Kazaa isn't downloading a damn thing....cherry on the pie of my week.)