side note
i confuzzled as always. luis n i have been fairly buddy buddy lately. lol. i mean it's one thing to hold hands and hug. but when he hugs me he doesnt just squeeze me n leave. nope, he holds me (which is nice...). and then he kissed me everyday last week. ok, i know he's not interested in me....b/c he's luis. and i'm really not all that interested in him. which is fine. none of that bothers me. but it makes me feel like ....i dunno. kinda slutty. which is wierd. i mean, i was totally willing to be fuck buddies w/ diego (so it didnt work out, but i still would do it anyway....just b/c i'm in it for the fun. i dont like the emotional-drama shit) and that was ok. but luis....well....it's luis and we will never be together. niether of us really like each other that much. but i'm still letting this happen. its not like we're gonna be fuck buddies. it's not like what we do....tiny kisses and big hugs....MEANS anything, i KNOW it doesnt. but i feel wierd not feeling anything when he hugs me, or kisses me. i feel wierd not liking someone. i know, that's odd. but i feel nothing. no flutter-y ness. no o wow. it'sj ust like yeah w/e peace out. and that just seems wrong. like i'm jaded.i dont wanna be jaded. wtf? i want someone to enjoy myself w/. someone to like. not love. b/c i dont want to break my heart again, i'm over that and i dont want a relationship that serious for a while. i want someone that makes me smile when i'm thinking about them, and someone to make me laugh. just someone fun to mess around w/. to go out w/. dude, i NEVER get what i want. either i dont have anybody, or i mix myself up in a bad relationshipe. cory - ick. dont even wanna think about it. lol. cody - used me....used him. not bad, but not even anything really. diego - yeah, i lovED him, but it's over so w/e. that broke my heart and i'm fine now n all, but i didnt like those two weeks. lol. so overall, it's never really how i want it. i want something to go all my way.
i realized the other day that a lot of stuff that kept me from being happy w/ diego. the stuff no one knows about. is my own fault. i wouldn't open my mouth and complain cuz i didnt want him to get pissy. cuz i dont like pissy diego. but all this stuff that i'd think about after i got off the phone w/ him every night, the stuff that i kept to myself b/c i dont want ppl 2 know that i'm not happy w/ what seems like the one thing that was keepin' me happy, that's the stuff maybe i shoulda mentioned. and i didnt b/c i felt guilty. b/c i felt selfish. but that's ok. cuz when i'm ready i'll find someone new, someone that i PROMISE MYSELF i will open up to no matter what. even if he turns into a big bitch and hangs up on me. lol.
YOUR LOSS!
i realized the other day that a lot of stuff that kept me from being happy w/ diego. the stuff no one knows about. is my own fault. i wouldn't open my mouth and complain cuz i didnt want him to get pissy. cuz i dont like pissy diego. but all this stuff that i'd think about after i got off the phone w/ him every night, the stuff that i kept to myself b/c i dont want ppl 2 know that i'm not happy w/ what seems like the one thing that was keepin' me happy, that's the stuff maybe i shoulda mentioned. and i didnt b/c i felt guilty. b/c i felt selfish. but that's ok. cuz when i'm ready i'll find someone new, someone that i PROMISE MYSELF i will open up to no matter what. even if he turns into a big bitch and hangs up on me. lol.
YOUR LOSS!