I have some of the same problems, and here are rules I've set up for myself. Perhaps it will help with your journey in finding the answers that work for you.
In terms of finding others' approval, I basically identified three or four people in my life that I trust to give me their actual feedback. They know I don't want them to make the decision, but I extensively go to them for advice. Sometimes, it probably gets a little annoying because I revisit it and revisit and obsess. What I do beforehand, though, is come up with a deadline. After a week, I must act. After I've talked it over with one person three times, I must act. Something arbitrary that I set myself that stops me from procrastination and having to finally do. I may regret the decision afterwards, but at least I moved forward. It's not exactly a balance, but it does put a hard-stop on the negative behavior.
I am not sure I understand why doing things to earn love is the flip side of wanting to do things for people you love. I think it's great if you want to do stuff for people you love, like helping out, making things, whatever. I think it becomes a negative if you start thinking, "I am going to do this because then she will love me." But it doesn't sound like you are thinking that. Or if you are thinking, "If I don't do this for her, she will think I don't care about her." I think this is more of a perception thing. Are you feeling that way?
As for the fear of rejection, yeah. We all would rather do the easy stuff than to work on the difficult stuff, and justify the unnecessary stuff as being important. katre50 calls it yak-shaving. It's an easy trap. I take the approach that actually causes a loop in terms of negativity. I have assigned two people to call me out if they see me yak-shaving. So yeah, I am relying on someone else to tell me when I shouldn't be doing something, but I see it as a necessary evil. I need that prodding, and I trust that one or two individuals in my life. Maybe if you want to make it self-driven, make it a set of priorities that you revisit every week? Challenge yourself to do one scary, difficult thing per time period, and if you do, then you get a pass to do some of the easy stuff? I think that requires more self-honesty than I am capable of.
Making the balance is the hard part. All-or-nothing is a much easier way to live life.
Thank you so much for your insight. It really helps to hear from someone who's struggled with this, who knows what this feels like, and who's found her own solutions.
I think it becomes a negative if you start thinking, "I am going to do this because then she will love me." But it doesn't sound like you are thinking that. Or if you are thinking, "If I don't do this for her, she will think I don't care about her." I think this is more of a perception thing. Are you feeling that way?
I am feeling both of these. I do things kind of to earn "points" with people, or impress them in some way, and I do things because I think they'll think I don't care otherwise.
I have gotten a lot of mileage out of "eating the frog"; that is, doing the thing I am dreading most, first thing in the morning. It doesn't always work, especially when I am busy, but it has led me to do a lot of stuff that I wouldn't have done otherwise. I do a lot of yak-shaving, though.
I've tried relying on other people, but I find I stop checking in with them because I feel like I'm bothering them with it. Do you reciprocate in kind with the people who call you out on the yak-shaving?
In terms of finding others' approval, I basically identified three or four people in my life that I trust to give me their actual feedback. They know I don't want them to make the decision, but I extensively go to them for advice. Sometimes, it probably gets a little annoying because I revisit it and revisit and obsess. What I do beforehand, though, is come up with a deadline. After a week, I must act. After I've talked it over with one person three times, I must act. Something arbitrary that I set myself that stops me from procrastination and having to finally do. I may regret the decision afterwards, but at least I moved forward. It's not exactly a balance, but it does put a hard-stop on the negative behavior.
I am not sure I understand why doing things to earn love is the flip side of wanting to do things for people you love. I think it's great if you want to do stuff for people you love, like helping out, making things, whatever. I think it becomes a negative if you start thinking, "I am going to do this because then she will love me." But it doesn't sound like you are thinking that. Or if you are thinking, "If I don't do this for her, she will think I don't care about her." I think this is more of a perception thing. Are you feeling that way?
As for the fear of rejection, yeah. We all would rather do the easy stuff than to work on the difficult stuff, and justify the unnecessary stuff as being important. katre50 calls it yak-shaving. It's an easy trap. I take the approach that actually causes a loop in terms of negativity. I have assigned two people to call me out if they see me yak-shaving. So yeah, I am relying on someone else to tell me when I shouldn't be doing something, but I see it as a necessary evil. I need that prodding, and I trust that one or two individuals in my life. Maybe if you want to make it self-driven, make it a set of priorities that you revisit every week? Challenge yourself to do one scary, difficult thing per time period, and if you do, then you get a pass to do some of the easy stuff? I think that requires more self-honesty than I am capable of.
Making the balance is the hard part. All-or-nothing is a much easier way to live life.
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I think it becomes a negative if you start thinking, "I am going to do this because then she will love me." But it doesn't sound like you are thinking that. Or if you are thinking, "If I don't do this for her, she will think I don't care about her." I think this is more of a perception thing. Are you feeling that way?
I am feeling both of these. I do things kind of to earn "points" with people, or impress them in some way, and I do things because I think they'll think I don't care otherwise.
I have gotten a lot of mileage out of "eating the frog"; that is, doing the thing I am dreading most, first thing in the morning. It doesn't always work, especially when I am busy, but it has led me to do a lot of stuff that I wouldn't have done otherwise. I do a lot of yak-shaving, though.
I've tried relying on other people, but I find I stop checking in with them because I feel like I'm bothering them with it. Do you reciprocate in kind with the people who call you out on the yak-shaving?
Reply
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