love_was_always_cruel
I never have been very good with endings. Probably because the ending is always my favorite part. Like in a book, or in a movie. Or the ending of a song that has the power to leave you breathless, wanting nothing more than to hear it again. The ending always has to be perfect, or the meaning is lost to me. So I guess I figure if I can avoid an ending, I will... at any cost. Because I think deep down, I no longer believe in perfection.
But now I don't know how to let go; I don't know how to say goodbye. I've begun to call it morbid fascination. The amazing ability I have to step outside of myself and watch as a person or a situation shatters my soul into thousands of tiny shards. I am not even powerless to stop this... it's almost as if I want to see how far I can take it, how long the hurt can last, how much pain I will be able to handle until I know myself no more. And what is strength if you are so susceptible to passion? I swear I feel more on any given day than anyone around me. It's as if I can see through everyone else, find their faults and weaknesses, and then manipulate the situation in any way I can. And what justifies this in my mind is the fact that I get just as involved. My emotions are never left behind. If I say I love you... then I do. I would never say something I don't mean. But the danger lies in the fact that everything is only as real as I allow it to be.
I can't even cry about this. When it became clear it was over, when I knew for the first time the game had ended and I had lost, I expected the tears to come. But they didn't. They won't. Which leads me to believe it has been long over for me as well... the moment I felt you pull away was the moment I began pretending. I was playing the game, just to see if there would be one thing I could say, one thing I could do that would have the power to change everything. It's funny -- for someone who believes so much in fate, I love taking fate into my own hands. But maybe our destinies really are written the moment we are born. Maybe if I had left you and me alone, all of this would have turned out differently. I don't know. Or maybe this is exactly what needed to happen.
Maybe one day I'll thank you for what you did. For doing the one thing I could not do.
Or maybe in saying goodbye, we're making the biggest mistake of our lives.
But now I don't know how to let go; I don't know how to say goodbye. I've begun to call it morbid fascination. The amazing ability I have to step outside of myself and watch as a person or a situation shatters my soul into thousands of tiny shards. I am not even powerless to stop this... it's almost as if I want to see how far I can take it, how long the hurt can last, how much pain I will be able to handle until I know myself no more. And what is strength if you are so susceptible to passion? I swear I feel more on any given day than anyone around me. It's as if I can see through everyone else, find their faults and weaknesses, and then manipulate the situation in any way I can. And what justifies this in my mind is the fact that I get just as involved. My emotions are never left behind. If I say I love you... then I do. I would never say something I don't mean. But the danger lies in the fact that everything is only as real as I allow it to be.
I can't even cry about this. When it became clear it was over, when I knew for the first time the game had ended and I had lost, I expected the tears to come. But they didn't. They won't. Which leads me to believe it has been long over for me as well... the moment I felt you pull away was the moment I began pretending. I was playing the game, just to see if there would be one thing I could say, one thing I could do that would have the power to change everything. It's funny -- for someone who believes so much in fate, I love taking fate into my own hands. But maybe our destinies really are written the moment we are born. Maybe if I had left you and me alone, all of this would have turned out differently. I don't know. Or maybe this is exactly what needed to happen.
Maybe one day I'll thank you for what you did. For doing the one thing I could not do.
Or maybe in saying goodbye, we're making the biggest mistake of our lives.