(no subject)
a list of things, 5 days into 2009.
-i got my septum pierced on friday. it felt real and good. the pain was like nothing i had ever felt before, and i think that that was a lot of the reason that I wanted to do it. i wanted to not feel like myself, i wanted to feel new, and i was so prepared for it to hurt. i was not, however, prepared for it to hurt that much. OUCH. crossing my eyes and seeing a blurry bloody spike in my face was... new.
-tonight is my first night alone in new paltz during break. im trying to be aware of what i'm feeling, the difference between me feeling alone and me feeling lonely. the house feels bigger, less bright, the sounds are louder, and my nap on the couch was full of bad dreams.
-i just wrote a text to michael and saved it in my drafts on my phone. it was the second time i've done that, the first time being on new years eve. seeing jason and kiley as soon as i walked into nicole's party on new years eve was a giant blow to the stomach. where is he, is he here, am i really dealing with michael and all the feelings associated with him as soon as i start my night? i didn't, in fact, end up having to see him--jenny didn't feel well so michael was staying in with her. or so kiley had told me.
-i go through so many emotions involving him every day, every hour, every 10 minutes. there are times that i believe he misses me just as much as i miss him. i believe that i'm better off without him. i believe that i'll never see him again. i believe that every time i leave my house here in new paltz i need to look impeccable, that every car that passes me on the street could be him, that if i look good he'll miss me more, that he'll call me and everything will be better. i believe that when i do see him, at oasis or on the street, that i'll fall apart, have a panic attack, vomit in the bathroom, and do drugs to not feel anything. i believe that he is dating john again, that he is so relieved to be rid of me, my neurosis, and all my hangups with sex. i believe that im worth it and he'll realize that one day and it'll be too late, i'll have moved on again, and that we'll never really be on the same page ever in this lifetime. i believe that this semester will bring us back together, that i'll be able to be his friend more than i was this semester, and that this will be just a blip in the larger context of our relationship. i believe he wasn't right for me. i believe he was still too simple. i believe that he couldn't fulfill me, and didn't understand how complex i was. i believe we will still have that night that we talked about after true blood, laying in bed, discovering each other.
-i believe that none of those things matter, that, as tom told me in therapy the other week, all i need to be concerned with is what the universe is trying to teach me in all of this. and that, i think, is what i really need help with.
-kt moved into her new paltz with thea and i visited last night. it's amazing. im jealous. and i plan to visit a whole lot.
-i am going to work on my art all day tomorrow unless i go home to celebrate my mother's birthday. i miss her and i miss my sister. oh, right. my sister got engaged.
-i just realized that i have never spent a night alone in this house and that i'm scared! haha. 21 years old and scared to sleep alone. michael could really come in handy right now. hmmph!
goodnight.
-i got my septum pierced on friday. it felt real and good. the pain was like nothing i had ever felt before, and i think that that was a lot of the reason that I wanted to do it. i wanted to not feel like myself, i wanted to feel new, and i was so prepared for it to hurt. i was not, however, prepared for it to hurt that much. OUCH. crossing my eyes and seeing a blurry bloody spike in my face was... new.
-tonight is my first night alone in new paltz during break. im trying to be aware of what i'm feeling, the difference between me feeling alone and me feeling lonely. the house feels bigger, less bright, the sounds are louder, and my nap on the couch was full of bad dreams.
-i just wrote a text to michael and saved it in my drafts on my phone. it was the second time i've done that, the first time being on new years eve. seeing jason and kiley as soon as i walked into nicole's party on new years eve was a giant blow to the stomach. where is he, is he here, am i really dealing with michael and all the feelings associated with him as soon as i start my night? i didn't, in fact, end up having to see him--jenny didn't feel well so michael was staying in with her. or so kiley had told me.
-i go through so many emotions involving him every day, every hour, every 10 minutes. there are times that i believe he misses me just as much as i miss him. i believe that i'm better off without him. i believe that i'll never see him again. i believe that every time i leave my house here in new paltz i need to look impeccable, that every car that passes me on the street could be him, that if i look good he'll miss me more, that he'll call me and everything will be better. i believe that when i do see him, at oasis or on the street, that i'll fall apart, have a panic attack, vomit in the bathroom, and do drugs to not feel anything. i believe that he is dating john again, that he is so relieved to be rid of me, my neurosis, and all my hangups with sex. i believe that im worth it and he'll realize that one day and it'll be too late, i'll have moved on again, and that we'll never really be on the same page ever in this lifetime. i believe that this semester will bring us back together, that i'll be able to be his friend more than i was this semester, and that this will be just a blip in the larger context of our relationship. i believe he wasn't right for me. i believe he was still too simple. i believe that he couldn't fulfill me, and didn't understand how complex i was. i believe we will still have that night that we talked about after true blood, laying in bed, discovering each other.
-i believe that none of those things matter, that, as tom told me in therapy the other week, all i need to be concerned with is what the universe is trying to teach me in all of this. and that, i think, is what i really need help with.
-kt moved into her new paltz with thea and i visited last night. it's amazing. im jealous. and i plan to visit a whole lot.
-i am going to work on my art all day tomorrow unless i go home to celebrate my mother's birthday. i miss her and i miss my sister. oh, right. my sister got engaged.
-i just realized that i have never spent a night alone in this house and that i'm scared! haha. 21 years old and scared to sleep alone. michael could really come in handy right now. hmmph!
goodnight.