(no subject)
what else am i supposed to do when tealights are lit, the wine is gone, and im listening to sarah mclachlan's version of I'll Be Home for Christmas?
i don't know what this semester was. i don't know where it went, how it felt so fleeting but was also filled with so much emotion, and it's ending with me going home only for 10 days out of break but coming back up here, to my room on the top floor, filled with tealights and big windows and not enough heat.
i found art this semester. i think before this semester, i was doing what i thought would get me praise. i did big portraits, splashes of bright color, so much texture. it was so loud. i was being so loud but i dont think i was really saying anything. so now it's different. there is no figure, there's no person for me to cling on to. it was a crutch. or as kathy said, I was "carrying around a dead dog." it just feels good right now. and right. and i feel like im saying something. that no one else is saying at my school. and it feels amazing.
i found love. yea. i know. love. it was something that i didnt want, wasnt expecting--especially from michael--but it happened and it was real. real for as long as it lasted. i haven't spoken to michael in a week and a half, save for the two times i contacted him this week--first with a text ("I miss you" -- GOD I hate being that person, HATE IT) and the second with a call on his voicemail today saying that I hoped he was doing well with how crazy work was going. i don't know what happened. the talk last wednesday was about him being scared, him needing to take a few steps back, him feeling pressured. and I've been there. i've been there for 3 and a half years ever since mark. i've been there with michael twice before, two years in a row. i've broken his heart twice before, made him feel like a fool, tried to make it up to him, and fallen for him in the process. I finally feel ready. i felt like it was real. those two months from late september to late november were perfect. or so i'd like to think now. i felt pressured too, pressured in ways that i had forgotten about unless i read them in my journal. but it was full of courting. nights of sleepovers and sweet gestures and texts right after hanging out with each other and real things. REAL. THINGS. me feeling like myself and feeling heard and understood and safe. it was so much.
it was so much but sometimes all it boils down to is the fact that i miss him and i don't understand why that isn't enough. i miss him and i want him here and i know that a month ago he felt so much and now he feels so little. it was SO much.
and now it's nothing and i don't know why and i dont know what to do. i am so prepared--especially after these past 10 days--to let it go. to start letting it dissolve and to start getting over him and what we had and to erase things but there is so much i want to fight for. yea! i'm ready to fight. isn't that what people want and what people see in the movies all the time? Things get hard and then someone fights for someone's love. they send them things and make big grand gestures and let the other person know that they are worth fighting for and worth love. why can't that be what the real world is like? i was ready for something to grow and bloom and become a part of me. and now it's nothing. i don't understand it sometimes. people are in love all the time, in long term relationships and have amazing times with amazing people--i had them with mark, michael had a 6 year relationship with carl, kt and alexis are in the middle of one right now--what is it about me that makes it so hard for it to happen?
i know i did nothing wrong, but sometimes--like right now, late at night--i think to myself. well what the fuck happened then? If i did nothing wrong, then what is going on? i had to have done something wrong for him to stop feeling whatever it was that he was feeling. i am tired of this. i'm so tired.
the last tealight just died and the sarah mclachlan album just ended.
i guess i'm going to bed.
i don't know what this semester was. i don't know where it went, how it felt so fleeting but was also filled with so much emotion, and it's ending with me going home only for 10 days out of break but coming back up here, to my room on the top floor, filled with tealights and big windows and not enough heat.
i found art this semester. i think before this semester, i was doing what i thought would get me praise. i did big portraits, splashes of bright color, so much texture. it was so loud. i was being so loud but i dont think i was really saying anything. so now it's different. there is no figure, there's no person for me to cling on to. it was a crutch. or as kathy said, I was "carrying around a dead dog." it just feels good right now. and right. and i feel like im saying something. that no one else is saying at my school. and it feels amazing.
i found love. yea. i know. love. it was something that i didnt want, wasnt expecting--especially from michael--but it happened and it was real. real for as long as it lasted. i haven't spoken to michael in a week and a half, save for the two times i contacted him this week--first with a text ("I miss you" -- GOD I hate being that person, HATE IT) and the second with a call on his voicemail today saying that I hoped he was doing well with how crazy work was going. i don't know what happened. the talk last wednesday was about him being scared, him needing to take a few steps back, him feeling pressured. and I've been there. i've been there for 3 and a half years ever since mark. i've been there with michael twice before, two years in a row. i've broken his heart twice before, made him feel like a fool, tried to make it up to him, and fallen for him in the process. I finally feel ready. i felt like it was real. those two months from late september to late november were perfect. or so i'd like to think now. i felt pressured too, pressured in ways that i had forgotten about unless i read them in my journal. but it was full of courting. nights of sleepovers and sweet gestures and texts right after hanging out with each other and real things. REAL. THINGS. me feeling like myself and feeling heard and understood and safe. it was so much.
it was so much but sometimes all it boils down to is the fact that i miss him and i don't understand why that isn't enough. i miss him and i want him here and i know that a month ago he felt so much and now he feels so little. it was SO much.
and now it's nothing and i don't know why and i dont know what to do. i am so prepared--especially after these past 10 days--to let it go. to start letting it dissolve and to start getting over him and what we had and to erase things but there is so much i want to fight for. yea! i'm ready to fight. isn't that what people want and what people see in the movies all the time? Things get hard and then someone fights for someone's love. they send them things and make big grand gestures and let the other person know that they are worth fighting for and worth love. why can't that be what the real world is like? i was ready for something to grow and bloom and become a part of me. and now it's nothing. i don't understand it sometimes. people are in love all the time, in long term relationships and have amazing times with amazing people--i had them with mark, michael had a 6 year relationship with carl, kt and alexis are in the middle of one right now--what is it about me that makes it so hard for it to happen?
i know i did nothing wrong, but sometimes--like right now, late at night--i think to myself. well what the fuck happened then? If i did nothing wrong, then what is going on? i had to have done something wrong for him to stop feeling whatever it was that he was feeling. i am tired of this. i'm so tired.
the last tealight just died and the sarah mclachlan album just ended.
i guess i'm going to bed.