(no subject)
over the course of the past 2 1/2 months (or maybe, i think, over the past 4 weekends, ever since that Giant Talk on the floor of my room), michael and i have developed something that i didn't think was in the cards. i don't think he thought it was in the cards either. in fact, i'm sure he didn't.
i need to remember that this is not what has come before it. it isnt mark, justin, peter, evan, or the few times michael have tried this before. it isn't bad memories, bad relationships, overanalysis from when i was 18. it isnt me being a victim. it isn't pre surgery. it isn't a race against time or long distance or me trying so hard to figure out who i am in the presence of a man.
it is a real thing. so real that there are nights that i go to bed and imagine horrible, very bad scenarios because it's what i'm used to, but it's not what this is. it's not cheating or unanswered phone calls or sex with ex's or teasing or me feeling young, small, and unheard.
i have lived my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop and on many, many occasions it has. how do i change that mindset, live without constant (and i mean constant) panic that all of it will disappear, that he will lose interest, and that it will all be a giant mess of rejection, anxiety, awkwardness, and too many drunk nights trying to get over another thing that never fully materialized. is there a way to live without that sense of inevitable badness without getting hurt?
i need to relax
i need to calm down
i need to be with michael more
i need to realize that i am not going anywhere, he is not going anywhere, and that this is growing, not going away, and that he has said amazing things.
i need to remember that this is great, he is great, and that my life is still stable, real, happy, and full with him in it.
i need to go to bed tonight without having bad dreams and without waking up afraid of something terrible happening.
no matter what, it's going to be okay. better than okay. great even.
i need to remember that this is not what has come before it. it isnt mark, justin, peter, evan, or the few times michael have tried this before. it isn't bad memories, bad relationships, overanalysis from when i was 18. it isnt me being a victim. it isn't pre surgery. it isn't a race against time or long distance or me trying so hard to figure out who i am in the presence of a man.
it is a real thing. so real that there are nights that i go to bed and imagine horrible, very bad scenarios because it's what i'm used to, but it's not what this is. it's not cheating or unanswered phone calls or sex with ex's or teasing or me feeling young, small, and unheard.
i have lived my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop and on many, many occasions it has. how do i change that mindset, live without constant (and i mean constant) panic that all of it will disappear, that he will lose interest, and that it will all be a giant mess of rejection, anxiety, awkwardness, and too many drunk nights trying to get over another thing that never fully materialized. is there a way to live without that sense of inevitable badness without getting hurt?
i need to relax
i need to calm down
i need to be with michael more
i need to realize that i am not going anywhere, he is not going anywhere, and that this is growing, not going away, and that he has said amazing things.
i need to remember that this is great, he is great, and that my life is still stable, real, happy, and full with him in it.
i need to go to bed tonight without having bad dreams and without waking up afraid of something terrible happening.
no matter what, it's going to be okay. better than okay. great even.