two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl - chapter 7
Glee, 3,751 words. So, this is angst with a side of angst with a slice of angst pie for dessert. When I’m done with this, I’ll seriously need to write some fluff or something, because this is getting out of control. I hope I was still able to stay true to the characters and didn’t succumb to melodrama…One of the scenes is kind of a cliché, but I like it so whatever. Oh and I know it’s supposed to be December in this, but sometimes there are gross rainy 40 degree days in the middle of winter, right? Or at least we can pretend there are.
In other news: this week’s episode??!?!?!?!?!?! Apparently I ship Puck with anything that breathes. HOW FANTASTIC WAS HE? His love of dip is hilarious. And good lord, his whole monologue to Quinn at the end. That’s basically all I’ve ever wanted him to be. I HAVE TOO MUCH LOVE FOR HIM. TOO, TOO MUCH.
---
7. she’s all i’ve got left
-ezra furman & the harpoons
When Puck walked through the steel double doors of McKinley the next morning, an uncharacteristic hush fell over the normally bustling hallways. People moved to the sides as he came through, making his entrance more of a walk of shame than his usual I'm Too Sexy strut. Usually, sporting a black eye, a busted lip, and some pretty legit bruises would be a sign of badassery to the world, but today people were whispering, and not out of fear or quiet reverence. They were whispering because they knew who did this to him.
He pretended not to listen or care, but as he plowed through he was glad to notice that they were definitely only saying shit about Finn and him. Which meant Finn hadn't told anyone about the kid, and Quinn- well, he didn't know what it meant for Quinn because she wouldn't answer his fucking calls.
When he turned the corner, he saw Rachel standing by her locker with Mercedes and Kurt, and her jaw dropped. She definitely wasn't expecting Finn to take things that badly. And if he did, why didn't Noah text her or call her afterwards? Almost as soon as their eyes met, Puck pursed his lips, put his head down and kept walking.
"Did you guys hear what happened?” Kurt was in full gossip mode. “Finn and Puck had an all out fist fight in the parking lot after school yesterday. No one knows what it was about, but my money's on Quinn. Have you seen the way he looks at her in Glee? I wouldn't be surprised if the baby was actually his."
"Boy, you just love drama, don’t you?” As Mercedes' laugh grew, it hit Rachel. How could she have been so stupid? All the vague, ambiguous references to Quinn, their whole conversation about Finn cutting him off for good…It wasn't because he was in love with Quinn, it was because she was having his baby. “What are you on? Quinn Fabray would never hook up with Puckerman, they are like, complete opposites-”
As Mercedes launched into all the reasons why Kurt's theory was bogus, Rachel excused herself and headed in the direction Puck had left. Maybe she was wrong (god, she hoped she was wrong) and it really wasn't as it seemed; maybe Finn was really just upset that Puck was trying to make a move on his pregnant girlfriend. Finn beating Puck to a pulp over that wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility. (Except for the fact that it definitely was. Puck was the one who beat people up unquestioningly. For Finn to tear you apart, you had to have done something really, really awful.)
She scanned the halls, but there was no sign of him. He couldn't have gone far, so she popped her head into classrooms, storage closets, the boys bathroom (scaring off a couple baby-faced freshmen in the process) but nothing. When the warning bell rang for first period, Puck was still no where to be found, and though she knew she should start making her way to Bio, her mind was racing. Why would Noah not tell her about this? They had gotten so close in the past couple months and it's not like Quinn's baby never came up. In fact, it came up a lot. Like, a lot a lot. If he had told her he was the father earlier, things would be so different now. She probably would have convinced him to tell Finn, who would have broken up with Quinn and naturally asked her to be his girlfriend. Two months ago she would have been thrilled to learn the news; back when Puck was nothing more than the guy who was really mean to her until he realized she had boobs under her sweaters.
Now, things were different. She brought herself down to reality (mostly with Noah's help) and realized that she had to move on. Not to other guys necessarily, but just to stop thinking she actually had a chance with Finn. She realized she needed to psychologically move on. Somewhere along the line, though, psychologically moving on got mixed up with physically moving on, and despite the fact that Noah Puckerman was uncouth and vulgar and a giant doofus, inside he was a sweet guy and the closest friend she thought she ever had (or was he the only friend she ever had? She wasn't sure).
She knew this wasn't about her - it was about Noah and the fact that he wasn’t such a jerk when it came to things that actually mattered - but, really, it kind of was about her. If he had just told her...She could be with Finn right now and not crying over the fact that the first boy she'd ever really, deeply cared about was having a baby with Quinn. If she thought finding out about that baby was hard the first time, it was nothing compared to what she was feeling now.
She blinked the tears away - she wouldn't let herself cry over something that never was, no - and the bell rang. Class was out of the question at this point; not while she was feeling like this. So instead, she went to the only place that ever made her feel better.
---
When she closed the door of the music room behind her, she heard a chair squeak and quickly turned around.
Of course, she thought when she saw Noah sitting in the corner, his guitar slung over his shoulder.
Just seeing him made her want to cry, but the thought of giving in to those feelings was far too cliché: good girl falls for bad boy, gets heart broken. No, Rachel would not let herself be another cliché, but it didn't change the fact that it still hurt to see him. So she put on a good face and decided to play dumb. She’d see if he was really worth all the heartache: if he would actually tell her the truth.
"Noah, I've been looking for you everywhere," she rushed over and sat beside him, yanking his chin towards her and examining his face. "What did Finn do to you?"
"Rachel…" he pulled away from her touch and got up, putting the guitar away.
"What did you tell him?"
He took a deep breath and stood in front of her. He didn’t need to say anything, she knew he was going to tell her. (Even more of a reason why this whole situation broke her heart.)
"I told him that Quinn's baby's not his, its mine." His hands were on his hips and she could tell he had practiced this a few times. Her act felt silly now with him being so earnest, so she looked down at her hands and closed her eyes.
"I know. I put the pieces together this morning."
He dropped himself into the chair beside her, his head in his hands. "Does anyone else know?"
"No one knows anything for sure...But people are theorizing, and yes, you being the father is one that's floating around."
He sat like that for a while, and she just watched him, waiting. When it was clear that he was not going to be the first one to make a move, she finally spoke up.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
He lifted his head, resting his chin on his hands. She'd never seen him look this serious, this distraught. When he opened his mouth, he couldn't seem to find the words and his eyes looked anywhere but at her.
So she grabbed his chin again and yanked it down so they were eye to eye.
"Noah."
He took another deep breath and she could feel his knee touching hers. "I...Don't know. I wanted to- I wanted to since the beginning, but I just...Couldn't. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, but I was pretty sure I was still gonna tell you."
"Not allowed?"
“Yeah, apparently the idea of me being her baby daddy was so awful she didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Wait, she told you not to tell anyone?”
He talked about it all with her: not just about that night with the wine coolers and Quinn saying she'd take the truth to the grave, but also that day at the gym when he told her he really liked her and how it felt when she called him a Lima Loser. How badly he didn't want to be a deadbeat like his dad, how badly he wanted to prove everyone wrong, and how much it sucked to lie to Finn (which was a huge thing to admit given so much of who Puck was revolved around his aptitude for not telling the truth).
"And then when you and I started hanging out..." He looked up at her, and oh my god was he the one who made her look so fucking sad? He had made his fair share of girls cry in his day, but that look on her face- it was worse than any of that. "When you and I started hanging out, things were different. I didn't drive myself crazy thinking about Quinn and what a shitty situation I was in. And I knew-" He paused, and looked down, not able to keep her gaze, “and I knew the second I told you, things would be different. You’d bounce and it would just be me again, and all my shit."
"Noah, you have no idea how I would have reacted."
"Really, Rachel? Really?" He raised his eyebrows and looked at her suspiciously.
"Yeah, really.”
"Whatever, you can say that now but I know how things are. Sometimes you just gotta keep stuff to yourself to keep people around. The second you start telling the truth, they run for the hills. And I know you, you would have totally ran to Finn's hills."
If there was one thing she hated most, it was people assuming things about her. Especially when it was people who should have known her better. So, naturally, that’s when she got really pissed.
"No, Noah, you don’t keep stuff from actual friends or lie to them. You can lie to your stupid fake jock friends or those brainless Cheerios, but you don’t lie to the people who are real; who actually matter."
“You know what, I didn’t tell you to get one of your fucking lectures, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay. I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. I’ve told you things that I’ve never told anyone else. I trusted you. And I thought you actually cared, but apparently not enough to tell me that you are having a baby.”
See, in Puck’s head, everything Rachel said right then translated directly to a bright red ENGINE FAILURE light on the dashboard of their friendship. The end was near, and though he probably knew better - that if he could handle this in the right way, things might actually be okay eventually - he reverted to what he knew best.
“Who do you think you are, my fucking girlfriend? What, am I supposed to tell you everything that’s going on in my life? If you knew me so well you’d know that people don’t fucking like me, okay? I do what I have to do to keep people around, and yeah, sometimes that means lying or keeping shit to myself. But I don’t expect you to know anything about having friends. Hell, I’m the only friend you even have.”
The second the words came out, he knew he couldn’t take them back. He could feel the sting as they hung in the air between them, and Rachel looked down.
“You’re right,” her voice was soft but grew stronger as she looked up at him, “but you know what? I’d rather be a loser and alone than be friends with a heartless jerk like you.” She stood up and headed out without even looking at him. “So say bye to the only person who ever gave two shits about you at this school.”
When the door closed behind her, he stood up and kicked his chair over. This was perfect. Just fucking perfect.
---
After that, Puck went back to skipping classes, fucking anything that breathed, and getting drunk after practice. Finn and Rachel started hanging out together - in Glee and out - and whenever he saw them talking by each other’s lockers or sitting next to each other in rehersal, he’d ignore them. He started getting into fights with pretty much anyone, and he beat random freshmen up so much they’d all scatter whenever he came through the hall. Suffice it to say, he was pissed all the fucking time.
He knew this was his fault. He knew that Rachel came to him that day because she cared and he knew that he was such a turd to her because they were crashing and burning and his natural his self defense mechanism was to lash out. To hurt others before they got the chance to hurt him. It was all he knew.
When Mr. Shue gave him the lead in the Stones’ “Satisfaction” that week, he almost laughed. Almost.
---
After a week went by and Quinn still hadn’t been to school, Puck started worrying. So on Friday after his game (they lost again - apparently he had that effect on things) he went to her house. It was raining pretty hard out when he parked his truck out front and jogged to the door. He rang the doorbell and stuffed his hands in his pockets, and after a couple seconds, he saw her peek from out from behind the curtain. She looked pissed.
After a long moment, she finally stepped outside and opened an umbrella for herself, closing the door behind her.
“What are you doing here, Puck?”
“You haven’t been to school in forever, you won’t answer my calls…I was worried.”
“So you waited a week and a half to come by? How thoughtful of you.” The sarcasm in her voice was biting and it took everything in him to not grab her by the shoulders and scream, “WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?”
Instead, he just said, “Yeah, well.”
She stared, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, she let out an annoyed sigh and rolled her eyes. “What do you want? I don’t have all day.”
“Quinn, I’m sorry I told him, okay? If you were actually stupid enough to think you could keep this a secret forever, then I don’t know what to tell you.”
Her jaw dropped and she laughed mirthlessly. “You ruin my life, and that’s all you have to say?”
He shook his head and stepped closer to her. Instinctively, she backed away. “Listen, I know you think having a baby with me is the end of the world, but you don’t know anything about me. I can take care of us, okay? I’ll get a job, I’ll change my mom’s guest room into a nursery… She won’t be happy to find out about a baby but she’d never abandon us. Quinn, I’m telling you I’m here for you.”
He waited for her to say something before angry tears started falling from her eyes.
“There was one thing I wanted you to do for me - one thing - and it was to keep your mouth shut-” She sniffed loudly and laughed again to herself. “And you couldn’t do that.”
“Quinn-” He reached out towards her and she snapped away, staring at him for a long moment.
“The baby’s gone, Puck.”
The words registered and yet didn’t. Something about her parents thinking it was a miscarriage, about how she could never trust him to be there for her through it all, that Finn was the only person she could count on - the only person she loved - and how Puck ruined it. How Puck ruined everything. As the rain pelted down on him, he didn’t feel sadness or relief or fear…He didn’t feel anything. Only the water running down his face and soaking through his clothes. The look on her face was something familiar - that deep hopelessness, that feeling of abandonment - but he couldn’t relate to it. She made the decision to cut people out of her life, whereas he? Well, he was the one people always decided to cut.
He knew this was the end, but something inside overwhelmed him for a brief moment, and he let himself think maybe there was a way they could move past this. Two fucked up people who made so many mistakes…Maybe they could make it all right. Maybe it really was meant to be him and Quinn and Rachel and Finn all along. And then her words hit him with startling clarity.
“My parents got me transferred. I’m leaving for Akron to live with my aunt on Sunday.” Despite the tough façade, he knew she was hurting. She was clutching her abdomen and the tears were flowing freely. "Forget about me, Noah. I've already forgotten about you."
---
It was ten o’clock when he found himself at Rachel’s doorstep. He didn’t think to look, but her dads’ cars weren’t in the driveway so when he lifted a shaky hand to ring the bell, she was the one who answered it.
When she opened the door, he was soaking wet and crying.
“Oh my god, Noah!” She quickly pulled him inside and peeled his jacket of his shoulders. “What happened to you?”
He tried to speak, but he was shaking uncontrollably from the cold and his body wracked with quiet sobs as years of pent up shit came bubbling to the surface. His kid was dead.
And she? She didn’t care that they weren’t on speaking terms or that she actually hated Noah Puckerman’s guts. Her dads were at dinner and he was a mess and he came to her. He was crying and he came to her.
Rachel took him by the hand and led him upstairs. “Come on, let’s get you dried off and warmed up.”
She brought him up to her room and wrapped a fluffy pink towel around his shoulders before grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt from her dads’ room. When she came back, he was standing where she left him, his shoulders no longer shaking with sobs, but his face desolate. She dropped the clothes on her chair, flicked her space heater on, then stood in front of him. She took the towel from his shoulders and tossed it to the side, then ran her hands over his face before dropping to his sweatshirt, and lifting it tenderly over his head. She pulled his undershirt off next, then dried him off and wrapped the towel around his bare shoulders. His breathing was still ragged and he wouldn’t meet her eyes, so she turned, picked up the things she brought and handed them to him.
“Here are some warm clothes. Get those jeans off before you catch pneumonia, okay? I’ll go turn the heat up, I’ll be back in a second.”
When she returned, his wet jeans and boxers were sitting on a pile on the floor, and he was wearing what she gave him. The room was warm, and she walked up to him and took his head in her hands once again.
“Noah, what happened?” When his eyes finally met hers, they started welling up again. Immediately, she pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. He buried his face in her neck and as his warm tears hit her skin, she lifted his face from her, then pulled him down into her bed and the covers tightly around the both of them.
When he finally settled down, he wrapped his arms around her and whispered, “God Rachel, I’m so sorry.” She didn’t say anything, just hugged him back.
And then he told her everything.
---
Rachel’s hands were on his face, her tears drying on her cheeks, his eyes closed. It was unbelievable to think how wrong she was about Noah; at the end of the day, he really was like anyone else. He was like anyone else but not at all, because he was lying in her bed, exhausted from crying for the baby he never wanted and would never have and all the times people never bothered to give him the benefit of the doubt. He cried for not being accepted for who he was. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
At this point, it didn’t matter what she told herself, it was clear what they had was more than friendship. Friends came to you when they needed help, but they didn’t let you undress them and lie in bed with you. They didn’t hold you firmly against them and whisper your name desperately over and over again with the hope that maybe this was some Wizard of Oz, “there’s no place like home” shit and they’d wake up from this awful dream and everything would be better. She knew what they had was more than anything she let herself think, but it was scary - no, terrifying - to face it. She waited for the day he’d wake up and realize she was Rachel Berry and he was Noah Puckerman and that would be that. They may have come close with their last fight, but that day never seemed to have come.
When he finished, she let what he said sink in, then opened her eyes and leaned forward, planting a warm, firm kiss on his forehead. His eyes opened slowly as she said she was there for him, then placed another warm kiss on his cheek. She told him it would all be alright, and her lips found his other cheek. Then she pulled back and her face hovered inches from his. His palms were planted on her lower back, and slowly slid up. Their eyes met, and they didn’t have to say anything; they both knew.
When she leaned forward again, it was to press a deep, full kiss onto his lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and when she finally pulled away, his eyes were still closed and his grip still firm. She rested her forehead on his and touched his face.
“I promise it’ll be okay,” she said.
After a beat, his eyes were still closed. "God, Rach, why do you even bother with a loser like me?"
"You're not a loser."
"Yeah, I am."
TBC
---
In other news: this week’s episode??!?!?!?!?!?! Apparently I ship Puck with anything that breathes. HOW FANTASTIC WAS HE? His love of dip is hilarious. And good lord, his whole monologue to Quinn at the end. That’s basically all I’ve ever wanted him to be. I HAVE TOO MUCH LOVE FOR HIM. TOO, TOO MUCH.
---
7. she’s all i’ve got left
-ezra furman & the harpoons
When Puck walked through the steel double doors of McKinley the next morning, an uncharacteristic hush fell over the normally bustling hallways. People moved to the sides as he came through, making his entrance more of a walk of shame than his usual I'm Too Sexy strut. Usually, sporting a black eye, a busted lip, and some pretty legit bruises would be a sign of badassery to the world, but today people were whispering, and not out of fear or quiet reverence. They were whispering because they knew who did this to him.
He pretended not to listen or care, but as he plowed through he was glad to notice that they were definitely only saying shit about Finn and him. Which meant Finn hadn't told anyone about the kid, and Quinn- well, he didn't know what it meant for Quinn because she wouldn't answer his fucking calls.
When he turned the corner, he saw Rachel standing by her locker with Mercedes and Kurt, and her jaw dropped. She definitely wasn't expecting Finn to take things that badly. And if he did, why didn't Noah text her or call her afterwards? Almost as soon as their eyes met, Puck pursed his lips, put his head down and kept walking.
"Did you guys hear what happened?” Kurt was in full gossip mode. “Finn and Puck had an all out fist fight in the parking lot after school yesterday. No one knows what it was about, but my money's on Quinn. Have you seen the way he looks at her in Glee? I wouldn't be surprised if the baby was actually his."
"Boy, you just love drama, don’t you?” As Mercedes' laugh grew, it hit Rachel. How could she have been so stupid? All the vague, ambiguous references to Quinn, their whole conversation about Finn cutting him off for good…It wasn't because he was in love with Quinn, it was because she was having his baby. “What are you on? Quinn Fabray would never hook up with Puckerman, they are like, complete opposites-”
As Mercedes launched into all the reasons why Kurt's theory was bogus, Rachel excused herself and headed in the direction Puck had left. Maybe she was wrong (god, she hoped she was wrong) and it really wasn't as it seemed; maybe Finn was really just upset that Puck was trying to make a move on his pregnant girlfriend. Finn beating Puck to a pulp over that wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility. (Except for the fact that it definitely was. Puck was the one who beat people up unquestioningly. For Finn to tear you apart, you had to have done something really, really awful.)
She scanned the halls, but there was no sign of him. He couldn't have gone far, so she popped her head into classrooms, storage closets, the boys bathroom (scaring off a couple baby-faced freshmen in the process) but nothing. When the warning bell rang for first period, Puck was still no where to be found, and though she knew she should start making her way to Bio, her mind was racing. Why would Noah not tell her about this? They had gotten so close in the past couple months and it's not like Quinn's baby never came up. In fact, it came up a lot. Like, a lot a lot. If he had told her he was the father earlier, things would be so different now. She probably would have convinced him to tell Finn, who would have broken up with Quinn and naturally asked her to be his girlfriend. Two months ago she would have been thrilled to learn the news; back when Puck was nothing more than the guy who was really mean to her until he realized she had boobs under her sweaters.
Now, things were different. She brought herself down to reality (mostly with Noah's help) and realized that she had to move on. Not to other guys necessarily, but just to stop thinking she actually had a chance with Finn. She realized she needed to psychologically move on. Somewhere along the line, though, psychologically moving on got mixed up with physically moving on, and despite the fact that Noah Puckerman was uncouth and vulgar and a giant doofus, inside he was a sweet guy and the closest friend she thought she ever had (or was he the only friend she ever had? She wasn't sure).
She knew this wasn't about her - it was about Noah and the fact that he wasn’t such a jerk when it came to things that actually mattered - but, really, it kind of was about her. If he had just told her...She could be with Finn right now and not crying over the fact that the first boy she'd ever really, deeply cared about was having a baby with Quinn. If she thought finding out about that baby was hard the first time, it was nothing compared to what she was feeling now.
She blinked the tears away - she wouldn't let herself cry over something that never was, no - and the bell rang. Class was out of the question at this point; not while she was feeling like this. So instead, she went to the only place that ever made her feel better.
---
When she closed the door of the music room behind her, she heard a chair squeak and quickly turned around.
Of course, she thought when she saw Noah sitting in the corner, his guitar slung over his shoulder.
Just seeing him made her want to cry, but the thought of giving in to those feelings was far too cliché: good girl falls for bad boy, gets heart broken. No, Rachel would not let herself be another cliché, but it didn't change the fact that it still hurt to see him. So she put on a good face and decided to play dumb. She’d see if he was really worth all the heartache: if he would actually tell her the truth.
"Noah, I've been looking for you everywhere," she rushed over and sat beside him, yanking his chin towards her and examining his face. "What did Finn do to you?"
"Rachel…" he pulled away from her touch and got up, putting the guitar away.
"What did you tell him?"
He took a deep breath and stood in front of her. He didn’t need to say anything, she knew he was going to tell her. (Even more of a reason why this whole situation broke her heart.)
"I told him that Quinn's baby's not his, its mine." His hands were on his hips and she could tell he had practiced this a few times. Her act felt silly now with him being so earnest, so she looked down at her hands and closed her eyes.
"I know. I put the pieces together this morning."
He dropped himself into the chair beside her, his head in his hands. "Does anyone else know?"
"No one knows anything for sure...But people are theorizing, and yes, you being the father is one that's floating around."
He sat like that for a while, and she just watched him, waiting. When it was clear that he was not going to be the first one to make a move, she finally spoke up.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
He lifted his head, resting his chin on his hands. She'd never seen him look this serious, this distraught. When he opened his mouth, he couldn't seem to find the words and his eyes looked anywhere but at her.
So she grabbed his chin again and yanked it down so they were eye to eye.
"Noah."
He took another deep breath and she could feel his knee touching hers. "I...Don't know. I wanted to- I wanted to since the beginning, but I just...Couldn't. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, but I was pretty sure I was still gonna tell you."
"Not allowed?"
“Yeah, apparently the idea of me being her baby daddy was so awful she didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Wait, she told you not to tell anyone?”
He talked about it all with her: not just about that night with the wine coolers and Quinn saying she'd take the truth to the grave, but also that day at the gym when he told her he really liked her and how it felt when she called him a Lima Loser. How badly he didn't want to be a deadbeat like his dad, how badly he wanted to prove everyone wrong, and how much it sucked to lie to Finn (which was a huge thing to admit given so much of who Puck was revolved around his aptitude for not telling the truth).
"And then when you and I started hanging out..." He looked up at her, and oh my god was he the one who made her look so fucking sad? He had made his fair share of girls cry in his day, but that look on her face- it was worse than any of that. "When you and I started hanging out, things were different. I didn't drive myself crazy thinking about Quinn and what a shitty situation I was in. And I knew-" He paused, and looked down, not able to keep her gaze, “and I knew the second I told you, things would be different. You’d bounce and it would just be me again, and all my shit."
"Noah, you have no idea how I would have reacted."
"Really, Rachel? Really?" He raised his eyebrows and looked at her suspiciously.
"Yeah, really.”
"Whatever, you can say that now but I know how things are. Sometimes you just gotta keep stuff to yourself to keep people around. The second you start telling the truth, they run for the hills. And I know you, you would have totally ran to Finn's hills."
If there was one thing she hated most, it was people assuming things about her. Especially when it was people who should have known her better. So, naturally, that’s when she got really pissed.
"No, Noah, you don’t keep stuff from actual friends or lie to them. You can lie to your stupid fake jock friends or those brainless Cheerios, but you don’t lie to the people who are real; who actually matter."
“You know what, I didn’t tell you to get one of your fucking lectures, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay. I don’t understand why you don’t trust me. I’ve told you things that I’ve never told anyone else. I trusted you. And I thought you actually cared, but apparently not enough to tell me that you are having a baby.”
See, in Puck’s head, everything Rachel said right then translated directly to a bright red ENGINE FAILURE light on the dashboard of their friendship. The end was near, and though he probably knew better - that if he could handle this in the right way, things might actually be okay eventually - he reverted to what he knew best.
“Who do you think you are, my fucking girlfriend? What, am I supposed to tell you everything that’s going on in my life? If you knew me so well you’d know that people don’t fucking like me, okay? I do what I have to do to keep people around, and yeah, sometimes that means lying or keeping shit to myself. But I don’t expect you to know anything about having friends. Hell, I’m the only friend you even have.”
The second the words came out, he knew he couldn’t take them back. He could feel the sting as they hung in the air between them, and Rachel looked down.
“You’re right,” her voice was soft but grew stronger as she looked up at him, “but you know what? I’d rather be a loser and alone than be friends with a heartless jerk like you.” She stood up and headed out without even looking at him. “So say bye to the only person who ever gave two shits about you at this school.”
When the door closed behind her, he stood up and kicked his chair over. This was perfect. Just fucking perfect.
---
After that, Puck went back to skipping classes, fucking anything that breathed, and getting drunk after practice. Finn and Rachel started hanging out together - in Glee and out - and whenever he saw them talking by each other’s lockers or sitting next to each other in rehersal, he’d ignore them. He started getting into fights with pretty much anyone, and he beat random freshmen up so much they’d all scatter whenever he came through the hall. Suffice it to say, he was pissed all the fucking time.
He knew this was his fault. He knew that Rachel came to him that day because she cared and he knew that he was such a turd to her because they were crashing and burning and his natural his self defense mechanism was to lash out. To hurt others before they got the chance to hurt him. It was all he knew.
When Mr. Shue gave him the lead in the Stones’ “Satisfaction” that week, he almost laughed. Almost.
---
After a week went by and Quinn still hadn’t been to school, Puck started worrying. So on Friday after his game (they lost again - apparently he had that effect on things) he went to her house. It was raining pretty hard out when he parked his truck out front and jogged to the door. He rang the doorbell and stuffed his hands in his pockets, and after a couple seconds, he saw her peek from out from behind the curtain. She looked pissed.
After a long moment, she finally stepped outside and opened an umbrella for herself, closing the door behind her.
“What are you doing here, Puck?”
“You haven’t been to school in forever, you won’t answer my calls…I was worried.”
“So you waited a week and a half to come by? How thoughtful of you.” The sarcasm in her voice was biting and it took everything in him to not grab her by the shoulders and scream, “WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?”
Instead, he just said, “Yeah, well.”
She stared, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, she let out an annoyed sigh and rolled her eyes. “What do you want? I don’t have all day.”
“Quinn, I’m sorry I told him, okay? If you were actually stupid enough to think you could keep this a secret forever, then I don’t know what to tell you.”
Her jaw dropped and she laughed mirthlessly. “You ruin my life, and that’s all you have to say?”
He shook his head and stepped closer to her. Instinctively, she backed away. “Listen, I know you think having a baby with me is the end of the world, but you don’t know anything about me. I can take care of us, okay? I’ll get a job, I’ll change my mom’s guest room into a nursery… She won’t be happy to find out about a baby but she’d never abandon us. Quinn, I’m telling you I’m here for you.”
He waited for her to say something before angry tears started falling from her eyes.
“There was one thing I wanted you to do for me - one thing - and it was to keep your mouth shut-” She sniffed loudly and laughed again to herself. “And you couldn’t do that.”
“Quinn-” He reached out towards her and she snapped away, staring at him for a long moment.
“The baby’s gone, Puck.”
The words registered and yet didn’t. Something about her parents thinking it was a miscarriage, about how she could never trust him to be there for her through it all, that Finn was the only person she could count on - the only person she loved - and how Puck ruined it. How Puck ruined everything. As the rain pelted down on him, he didn’t feel sadness or relief or fear…He didn’t feel anything. Only the water running down his face and soaking through his clothes. The look on her face was something familiar - that deep hopelessness, that feeling of abandonment - but he couldn’t relate to it. She made the decision to cut people out of her life, whereas he? Well, he was the one people always decided to cut.
He knew this was the end, but something inside overwhelmed him for a brief moment, and he let himself think maybe there was a way they could move past this. Two fucked up people who made so many mistakes…Maybe they could make it all right. Maybe it really was meant to be him and Quinn and Rachel and Finn all along. And then her words hit him with startling clarity.
“My parents got me transferred. I’m leaving for Akron to live with my aunt on Sunday.” Despite the tough façade, he knew she was hurting. She was clutching her abdomen and the tears were flowing freely. "Forget about me, Noah. I've already forgotten about you."
---
It was ten o’clock when he found himself at Rachel’s doorstep. He didn’t think to look, but her dads’ cars weren’t in the driveway so when he lifted a shaky hand to ring the bell, she was the one who answered it.
When she opened the door, he was soaking wet and crying.
“Oh my god, Noah!” She quickly pulled him inside and peeled his jacket of his shoulders. “What happened to you?”
He tried to speak, but he was shaking uncontrollably from the cold and his body wracked with quiet sobs as years of pent up shit came bubbling to the surface. His kid was dead.
And she? She didn’t care that they weren’t on speaking terms or that she actually hated Noah Puckerman’s guts. Her dads were at dinner and he was a mess and he came to her. He was crying and he came to her.
Rachel took him by the hand and led him upstairs. “Come on, let’s get you dried off and warmed up.”
She brought him up to her room and wrapped a fluffy pink towel around his shoulders before grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt from her dads’ room. When she came back, he was standing where she left him, his shoulders no longer shaking with sobs, but his face desolate. She dropped the clothes on her chair, flicked her space heater on, then stood in front of him. She took the towel from his shoulders and tossed it to the side, then ran her hands over his face before dropping to his sweatshirt, and lifting it tenderly over his head. She pulled his undershirt off next, then dried him off and wrapped the towel around his bare shoulders. His breathing was still ragged and he wouldn’t meet her eyes, so she turned, picked up the things she brought and handed them to him.
“Here are some warm clothes. Get those jeans off before you catch pneumonia, okay? I’ll go turn the heat up, I’ll be back in a second.”
When she returned, his wet jeans and boxers were sitting on a pile on the floor, and he was wearing what she gave him. The room was warm, and she walked up to him and took his head in her hands once again.
“Noah, what happened?” When his eyes finally met hers, they started welling up again. Immediately, she pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. He buried his face in her neck and as his warm tears hit her skin, she lifted his face from her, then pulled him down into her bed and the covers tightly around the both of them.
When he finally settled down, he wrapped his arms around her and whispered, “God Rachel, I’m so sorry.” She didn’t say anything, just hugged him back.
And then he told her everything.
---
Rachel’s hands were on his face, her tears drying on her cheeks, his eyes closed. It was unbelievable to think how wrong she was about Noah; at the end of the day, he really was like anyone else. He was like anyone else but not at all, because he was lying in her bed, exhausted from crying for the baby he never wanted and would never have and all the times people never bothered to give him the benefit of the doubt. He cried for not being accepted for who he was. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
At this point, it didn’t matter what she told herself, it was clear what they had was more than friendship. Friends came to you when they needed help, but they didn’t let you undress them and lie in bed with you. They didn’t hold you firmly against them and whisper your name desperately over and over again with the hope that maybe this was some Wizard of Oz, “there’s no place like home” shit and they’d wake up from this awful dream and everything would be better. She knew what they had was more than anything she let herself think, but it was scary - no, terrifying - to face it. She waited for the day he’d wake up and realize she was Rachel Berry and he was Noah Puckerman and that would be that. They may have come close with their last fight, but that day never seemed to have come.
When he finished, she let what he said sink in, then opened her eyes and leaned forward, planting a warm, firm kiss on his forehead. His eyes opened slowly as she said she was there for him, then placed another warm kiss on his cheek. She told him it would all be alright, and her lips found his other cheek. Then she pulled back and her face hovered inches from his. His palms were planted on her lower back, and slowly slid up. Their eyes met, and they didn’t have to say anything; they both knew.
When she leaned forward again, it was to press a deep, full kiss onto his lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and when she finally pulled away, his eyes were still closed and his grip still firm. She rested her forehead on his and touched his face.
“I promise it’ll be okay,” she said.
After a beat, his eyes were still closed. "God, Rach, why do you even bother with a loser like me?"
"You're not a loser."
"Yeah, I am."
TBC
---