Sitting on a dock of a bay
A little bit over having so much time on my hands these days.
But its kind of good to be able to stop, sit back and wait for changes to come.
I can see so many things in my life right now that need to change. A lot have to do with the way I act and speak to my friends. Its hard trying to change those kinds of things because people have a very solid perception of you in their mind based on past experience. It takes a lot to start to break that down.
But I really need to. Not just the majorly destructive behaviour, but letting people know that I don't really think of them all the nasty things I can often say to them. Not putting up so many walls and making sure the ones that are there are there for good reasons, not just to be defensive for defensiveness' sake.
I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about how the people around me think and feel, and doing things to make their lives easier and better and trying to be compassionat, and not really ever receiveing any acknowledgement for that. So I spend a fair bit of time walking around and being upset and hurt by the fact that the people I love most aren't filling me up the way I need to be. But I learnt yesterday, that if I'm trying to find my vailidation as a person, in the way that others are treating me, that I will always be left wanting, because they can never love me enough. I will always be wanting more. Instead, I find my validation in the love of Christ, and my compassion and care for the people around me will flow out of a heart that is filled with joy and the love of the only one who can ever love me enough, the God of the universe, who created me.
I spent a lot of yesterday being grumpy because I had worked out that instead of giving out of heart filled with joy, I was giving because I wanted to feel validated by those around me. When I read the message I've just outlined to you, I got really grumpy and despondent, because even though I know it is true, I just didn't want to hear it, didn't want to feel it. I really wanted my friends to appreciate me, to recognise the things I do for them and to acknowledge me.These aren't bad things to want, but I wanted them for the wrong reasons. I wanted the because I wasn't seeking God with my whole heart, and I wanted them because I was feeling needy, lacking, and unaffirmed.
But as the day went on, I realised how irrational I was being. I was being totally selfish about being kind and gentle with others! I'm chipping the walls down, cause this just ain't on.
So I'm going back to God, my heart and my validation are tied up in His care, His trust.
And thats how it should be.
Psalm 23:5 (NIV)
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Psalm 23:3 (NIV)
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
But its kind of good to be able to stop, sit back and wait for changes to come.
I can see so many things in my life right now that need to change. A lot have to do with the way I act and speak to my friends. Its hard trying to change those kinds of things because people have a very solid perception of you in their mind based on past experience. It takes a lot to start to break that down.
But I really need to. Not just the majorly destructive behaviour, but letting people know that I don't really think of them all the nasty things I can often say to them. Not putting up so many walls and making sure the ones that are there are there for good reasons, not just to be defensive for defensiveness' sake.
I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about how the people around me think and feel, and doing things to make their lives easier and better and trying to be compassionat, and not really ever receiveing any acknowledgement for that. So I spend a fair bit of time walking around and being upset and hurt by the fact that the people I love most aren't filling me up the way I need to be. But I learnt yesterday, that if I'm trying to find my vailidation as a person, in the way that others are treating me, that I will always be left wanting, because they can never love me enough. I will always be wanting more. Instead, I find my validation in the love of Christ, and my compassion and care for the people around me will flow out of a heart that is filled with joy and the love of the only one who can ever love me enough, the God of the universe, who created me.
I spent a lot of yesterday being grumpy because I had worked out that instead of giving out of heart filled with joy, I was giving because I wanted to feel validated by those around me. When I read the message I've just outlined to you, I got really grumpy and despondent, because even though I know it is true, I just didn't want to hear it, didn't want to feel it. I really wanted my friends to appreciate me, to recognise the things I do for them and to acknowledge me.These aren't bad things to want, but I wanted them for the wrong reasons. I wanted the because I wasn't seeking God with my whole heart, and I wanted them because I was feeling needy, lacking, and unaffirmed.
But as the day went on, I realised how irrational I was being. I was being totally selfish about being kind and gentle with others! I'm chipping the walls down, cause this just ain't on.
So I'm going back to God, my heart and my validation are tied up in His care, His trust.
And thats how it should be.
Psalm 23:5 (NIV)
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Psalm 23:3 (NIV)
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.