(no subject)
I feel like all I do all day is eat. That is the most eventful thing of my day. I've just been sitting here in front of the computer pretending like I'm about to do something meaningful or productive while the only sun I see is outside my window if I do remember to open the blinds at all. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. At all. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything.
I don't see or talk to anyone. Not even my family, really. My sister has school and holes herself up in her room for all the time she is home and dad's at work all day and spends the rest sleeping or reading. God knows what mum's doing all day, but she's never home. Meanwhile, I get these lovely texts from my friend telling me of the wonderful interesting things she's doing out in the ...outside world. Just one of them. They don't even really talk to me anymore.
I don't want to force myself on them and I'm far too proud to say, "hey, I need you to talk to me even if I have nothing to say," so I just leave it be and they don't talk and I don't talk and so I go sulk in my own loneliness. Sometimes when they do decide to say something to me, out of spite (yes, again with the spite) I sometimes deliberately ignore them if I've been feeling neglected. Everyone's moving on and I'll soon be forgotten, only to one day be recalled with them thinking, 'oh, yeah, I remember that chick."
I mentioned my discontent to a friend and all she said was, "don't worry, we'll take you out when you finish :)" ......... I cannot even make sense of how uneasy this makes me feel. I know she was just trying to reassure me, but I very much doubt that there'd be any more than two or three days scheduled to hang out over the next month or so. I can't blame them, I guess. It's not their fault that their family wants to spend time with them or if they have other friends they'd rather hang out with. It's just that... I don't have anyone else. It's like I'm just sitting here counting down the minutes until my death. It's not so much that I particularly want to die or kill myself than that I would be completely okay with it if an elephant suddenly fell from the sky and squashed me bone dead. Maybe at least then they'd feel something for me.
Ah, I'm getting carried away with myself. She then proceeded to say something along the lines of, "It doesn't really matter since you're going overseas anyway." ...If I don't get out of this mood by the time I leave, my entire holidays will look something like skulking around indoors where it's warm with hot chocolate and not talking to anyone because I lack the language skills.
Maybe I should just get over the whole thing. Actually, I definitely should. Maybe I should just start going up to the city every day to do anything. Take some paints and a sketchbook to draw. Read my books outside instead of in bed. Park myself in Hyde Park or the botanical gardens. A little cafe in the Rocks or by the Opera House. I don't need to go with people. Maybe it's better to go alone. I could take myself to the zoo and to art galleries or take a class in pottery. Who cares. I don't need friends for that.
I could meet new people and make new friends. It's just a pity I am awful in social situations and wouldn't have a clue how to make friends with strangers.
Well, until then, I'll suppose I will sit at home pretending to do my essay while listening to Coldplay.
Life goes it
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly