Dear Nicole
Dear Nicole,
I've done a lot of thinking lately, and I thing the root of the problem is that you feel unappreciated. I really want to clarify things with you. This weirdness we've had for the past few months, I really want to squash it. I know when you came over the other day, you said you could care less if we salvaged our friendship at this point, but honestly, I really know that you do care, and I know that this is where some of the anger comes into play. The rest of the anger comes from the fact that you feel I don't appreciate you. This truly is not the case, and I'll tell you why in a minute. First though, I want to explain this week.
Monday came and went, and I ignored you and anyone else that called.Lately, the only people I have been talking to are Katie and Miriam. Truthfully and honestly, I was ignoring you. Why? Well, I know you've been on such a "positive" kick, and there's only so many times I can hear you say that you are tired of people bringing you down before I realize that the "people" you speak of is me. I never wanted or imagined that I could be such a burden, so instead, I isolate myself, in hopes that I can figure things out. Then Tuesday, I listened to my voicemail, and the messages that you left. I sent you a text, and of course, I felt like an asshole, but I didn't feel like dealing with it, so again, I didn't call you. I feel as though any time you do me a favor, it gets held against me, so I much rather have you be mad at me for something I actually did wrong. Just like when you loaned me the money for my mortgage that time, I didn't want you to have to do me yet another favor. (little did I know, you did me a favor anyways, regardless of my silence). Your kindness always comes with a price Nicole, and this time, I didn't feel like paying for it. So, I flaked. Yes, I admit, it was a dick way to go about it, but it happened, and I cannot undo it. The only thing I can do is explain it.
Now as far as the underlying reasons as to why I feel the way I do, those reasons will only cause more arguments, and I'm so done with arguing. Trust me, I know and understand your side of the story, your opinions about things, and what-not..I would just prefer to agree to disagree and put it behind me. And I know that you are probably thinking "well shit, I'll never do a favor for Jenn again because she doesn't understand the lengths that I go to for her", but seriously, I most certainly do, and I cherish it.
You are the best friend I've had next to Dennis, and I can't simply push that connection aside. It killed me when you said you could care less if we remain friends, because I could never in a million years say that I don't care about our friendship. When I say you are a member of my family, I don't say that lightly, nor do I expect you to take it lightly, and I know that you don't. I don't want to be another person on your list of "friends: that just didn't work out, because you're so much more than that to me, as I know I am to you. You're like a sister, and my best friend, and a soulmate, and we've been through so much together, I won't allow it to be cast aside easily. Yeah, I've got my resentments and issues about you, and you have the same about me, but I love you, and I want to get past all of this, because I find your friendship invaluable, and I honestly dont know what i would do without it.
What kills me the most though, is that you don't think I care or appreciate you and your friendship. This is what I want to clear up with you. It is because I appreciate your friendship so terribly much that I have this animosity. I miss being able to talk to you, to hang out and have a good times and talk about anything. I resent the fact that I cant do that anymore, I resent that you have lost patience with me. I hate the fact that I can't cry on your shoulder, or laugh for that matter. I hate the fact that I don't know who I am, I hate it that you don't either. Frankly, this is the darkest of days that I've ever seen, and I'm struggling so hard to keep my head above water, knowing that this flood of depression had already consumed me. I want to be able to ask you how your day is, how the concert went, so on and so on. And I want for you to do the same for me, but I just am so lost, I can't seem to think about anything other than holding this storm at bay.
I realized that I had become so dependant on your support that I forgot how to hold myself up, and I am trying my best to correct that. The last thing in the world I want to do is to drag anyone down, much less you, so for the past few weeks, I've been keeping to myself as much as possible so as not to negatively impact anyone, but I obviously have anyways. I miss you, I miss good times, and I miss being normal. Just please please please, show one more ounce of patience. I am working hard at working through my problems alone, and I promise I won't always be a wreck. I only ask that you extend to me the same faith that I have in you, and don't just cast me aside in frustration. You know I am a great friend because I have been in the past.. I just need to work on myself and worry about myself right now, and "do me for a change", as you always put it. Can we please call a truce and put this mess behind us? You're too dear to me to lose over something so temporary. Either way, I'll always love you, and I'll always be up for a talk.As pathetic as this sounds, all I really want or need right now is a hug, and to hear that it will be ok, despite the differences. I really miss my buddy. Love, Jenn.
I've done a lot of thinking lately, and I thing the root of the problem is that you feel unappreciated. I really want to clarify things with you. This weirdness we've had for the past few months, I really want to squash it. I know when you came over the other day, you said you could care less if we salvaged our friendship at this point, but honestly, I really know that you do care, and I know that this is where some of the anger comes into play. The rest of the anger comes from the fact that you feel I don't appreciate you. This truly is not the case, and I'll tell you why in a minute. First though, I want to explain this week.
Monday came and went, and I ignored you and anyone else that called.Lately, the only people I have been talking to are Katie and Miriam. Truthfully and honestly, I was ignoring you. Why? Well, I know you've been on such a "positive" kick, and there's only so many times I can hear you say that you are tired of people bringing you down before I realize that the "people" you speak of is me. I never wanted or imagined that I could be such a burden, so instead, I isolate myself, in hopes that I can figure things out. Then Tuesday, I listened to my voicemail, and the messages that you left. I sent you a text, and of course, I felt like an asshole, but I didn't feel like dealing with it, so again, I didn't call you. I feel as though any time you do me a favor, it gets held against me, so I much rather have you be mad at me for something I actually did wrong. Just like when you loaned me the money for my mortgage that time, I didn't want you to have to do me yet another favor. (little did I know, you did me a favor anyways, regardless of my silence). Your kindness always comes with a price Nicole, and this time, I didn't feel like paying for it. So, I flaked. Yes, I admit, it was a dick way to go about it, but it happened, and I cannot undo it. The only thing I can do is explain it.
Now as far as the underlying reasons as to why I feel the way I do, those reasons will only cause more arguments, and I'm so done with arguing. Trust me, I know and understand your side of the story, your opinions about things, and what-not..I would just prefer to agree to disagree and put it behind me. And I know that you are probably thinking "well shit, I'll never do a favor for Jenn again because she doesn't understand the lengths that I go to for her", but seriously, I most certainly do, and I cherish it.
You are the best friend I've had next to Dennis, and I can't simply push that connection aside. It killed me when you said you could care less if we remain friends, because I could never in a million years say that I don't care about our friendship. When I say you are a member of my family, I don't say that lightly, nor do I expect you to take it lightly, and I know that you don't. I don't want to be another person on your list of "friends: that just didn't work out, because you're so much more than that to me, as I know I am to you. You're like a sister, and my best friend, and a soulmate, and we've been through so much together, I won't allow it to be cast aside easily. Yeah, I've got my resentments and issues about you, and you have the same about me, but I love you, and I want to get past all of this, because I find your friendship invaluable, and I honestly dont know what i would do without it.
What kills me the most though, is that you don't think I care or appreciate you and your friendship. This is what I want to clear up with you. It is because I appreciate your friendship so terribly much that I have this animosity. I miss being able to talk to you, to hang out and have a good times and talk about anything. I resent the fact that I cant do that anymore, I resent that you have lost patience with me. I hate the fact that I can't cry on your shoulder, or laugh for that matter. I hate the fact that I don't know who I am, I hate it that you don't either. Frankly, this is the darkest of days that I've ever seen, and I'm struggling so hard to keep my head above water, knowing that this flood of depression had already consumed me. I want to be able to ask you how your day is, how the concert went, so on and so on. And I want for you to do the same for me, but I just am so lost, I can't seem to think about anything other than holding this storm at bay.
I realized that I had become so dependant on your support that I forgot how to hold myself up, and I am trying my best to correct that. The last thing in the world I want to do is to drag anyone down, much less you, so for the past few weeks, I've been keeping to myself as much as possible so as not to negatively impact anyone, but I obviously have anyways. I miss you, I miss good times, and I miss being normal. Just please please please, show one more ounce of patience. I am working hard at working through my problems alone, and I promise I won't always be a wreck. I only ask that you extend to me the same faith that I have in you, and don't just cast me aside in frustration. You know I am a great friend because I have been in the past.. I just need to work on myself and worry about myself right now, and "do me for a change", as you always put it. Can we please call a truce and put this mess behind us? You're too dear to me to lose over something so temporary. Either way, I'll always love you, and I'll always be up for a talk.As pathetic as this sounds, all I really want or need right now is a hug, and to hear that it will be ok, despite the differences. I really miss my buddy. Love, Jenn.