Directions
I am back. =) Hopefully all are well; a quick scan of my friends list suggested as much.
I enjoyed myself to a large part by practicing presence (a.k.a. contact with personal "essence" as per Almaas/Riso/Hudson), rather than the environment itself being consistently great by personality's standards. Energies (and resultant attitudes) that I would have considered normal just a couple years ago were experienced as a drag and pull into the temptation of egoic suffering, exacerbating all my own 'holes' and ego-triggers that are my task to work on. In that sense, dealing with it was intense spiritual work.
Regular life bombards me with information and complicated-ness and energies not supportive of my well-being. This is painfully obvious after a week that I treated as a spiritual retreat, which happened to be a holiday away with family. Changes conducive to growth of spirit would be wise.
My spirit would benefit immensely now from a spiritual community to support such work. Art of Living is not enlightened enough; it has become tainted by lower energies like all religions proper to some degree. I can't wait for meetup.com groups on Hawkins and Tolle and consciousness and such. I'm also considering twelve-step groups or A Course in Miracles.
Meanwhile, I'm clearly feeling the attraction of solitude in a different way than I think I have ever before. In solitude it is easier to grow closer to my spirit/essence/being, since most of us send out powerful ego-centered vibes and energies that flatly discourage such connection. I notice my being accessing more and more the spirit's sensitivity to what is true and what is not true, as far as energetic perception goes. When I'm around people not interested in spiritual growth or self-awareness, accessing this sensitivity is like having to pull away veil upon veil of inner blockage. It's not just others of course: my own ego flares up around people. Facing the greatest flare-ups of my ego is a valuable challenge, but when ego flares it's experienced as a loss of inner strength, love, value...
In solitude, particularly after contemplation upon spiritual writings, I can finally access the sense of true value and love within. The gaping holes that the ego fills begin to dissolve from 'within' - and this fullness is an actual energetic experience with a certain 'vibe' depending on the type of deficiency. I've even been experiencing temporary fullness with the sense of Value... which is an amazing sensation for this Type Three. Now I know what Riso and Hudson mean by intrinsic value. The challenge is that there's no way to think about it to sense it; it can only be understood in the now, with the spiritual kind of presence. It's a nonrational felt experience; you don't arrive at the conclusion "I am valuable" intellectually so much as you know it because you are it. With that fullness and direct sense of intrinsic value, my life feels meaningful. No success, self-improvement, or admiration can rival it.
In contrast to this intrinsic value, the ego flaring up [primarily around people or when internalized expectations are triggered] is experienced as a loss of meaning in life and other suffering based on illusion. Even writing in this diary now is experienced as something requiring my complete alertness and dedication to work at staying present and true; I am nowhere near entirely succeeding. The social image factor is an ego-trigger.
My life depends on my growth as fully human, truly adult, spiritual being. My life doesn't only depend on it; that is my life.
~Odyssey
I enjoyed myself to a large part by practicing presence (a.k.a. contact with personal "essence" as per Almaas/Riso/Hudson), rather than the environment itself being consistently great by personality's standards. Energies (and resultant attitudes) that I would have considered normal just a couple years ago were experienced as a drag and pull into the temptation of egoic suffering, exacerbating all my own 'holes' and ego-triggers that are my task to work on. In that sense, dealing with it was intense spiritual work.
Regular life bombards me with information and complicated-ness and energies not supportive of my well-being. This is painfully obvious after a week that I treated as a spiritual retreat, which happened to be a holiday away with family. Changes conducive to growth of spirit would be wise.
My spirit would benefit immensely now from a spiritual community to support such work. Art of Living is not enlightened enough; it has become tainted by lower energies like all religions proper to some degree. I can't wait for meetup.com groups on Hawkins and Tolle and consciousness and such. I'm also considering twelve-step groups or A Course in Miracles.
Meanwhile, I'm clearly feeling the attraction of solitude in a different way than I think I have ever before. In solitude it is easier to grow closer to my spirit/essence/being, since most of us send out powerful ego-centered vibes and energies that flatly discourage such connection. I notice my being accessing more and more the spirit's sensitivity to what is true and what is not true, as far as energetic perception goes. When I'm around people not interested in spiritual growth or self-awareness, accessing this sensitivity is like having to pull away veil upon veil of inner blockage. It's not just others of course: my own ego flares up around people. Facing the greatest flare-ups of my ego is a valuable challenge, but when ego flares it's experienced as a loss of inner strength, love, value...
In solitude, particularly after contemplation upon spiritual writings, I can finally access the sense of true value and love within. The gaping holes that the ego fills begin to dissolve from 'within' - and this fullness is an actual energetic experience with a certain 'vibe' depending on the type of deficiency. I've even been experiencing temporary fullness with the sense of Value... which is an amazing sensation for this Type Three. Now I know what Riso and Hudson mean by intrinsic value. The challenge is that there's no way to think about it to sense it; it can only be understood in the now, with the spiritual kind of presence. It's a nonrational felt experience; you don't arrive at the conclusion "I am valuable" intellectually so much as you know it because you are it. With that fullness and direct sense of intrinsic value, my life feels meaningful. No success, self-improvement, or admiration can rival it.
In contrast to this intrinsic value, the ego flaring up [primarily around people or when internalized expectations are triggered] is experienced as a loss of meaning in life and other suffering based on illusion. Even writing in this diary now is experienced as something requiring my complete alertness and dedication to work at staying present and true; I am nowhere near entirely succeeding. The social image factor is an ego-trigger.
My life depends on my growth as fully human, truly adult, spiritual being. My life doesn't only depend on it; that is my life.
~Odyssey