Emo Rant
There are an increasing amount of times when I really miss being able to just cut loose and get stupid. It seems like I no longer have avenues of escape. Pretty sure I’m NOT heading towards a midlife crisis or anything. I’m not looking for a new car or younger women or anything lame and cliché as that. This is more a need to just be alone and have no responsibilities or matters pressing on me. The thing is though, I don’t see why I feel this or why I feel like I deserve moments of alone time. I don’t have a great deal of stress in my life. Well, more than in recent years to be sure, but still at tolerable levels. I’m sleeping relatively decently. Most nights I actually make it through the night without the annoying constant wakeups (one night was almost every hour on the dot). I’m not unhappy with my life, though of course I would like small things different. However, these little things are not consuming me or weighing heavily on my mind. It’s hard to describe really.
It seems more than just wanting different things. I’ve had enough upheavals last year to make me pretty darn content with the universe around me now. Job is ok, just slow at times, but when it picks up, its crazy in a wonderful way that I thrive in. Downtime at work just kills me (hence the increase in blogging I suppose).
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe a vacation from myself? Just a day or so to kick back? Maybe like Hawkeye said in an episode of MASH about what he’d like to do after the war: “I’d like to be unconscious for a month. Then maybe go to Europe and be unconscious there.” There is just an emptiness I feel on and off the past few years. Things I used to care about don’t seem as relevant as they used to. Keep in mind, this is outside of family and friends. Music for example, seems to be less and less important to me. Maybe is the ease of online music killing the CD or e-Books killing the novel. Everything is simplified with complicated devices and it makes it harder to care about things. I guess it’s a lack of passion for things. I don’t get excited about movies, books, or music coming out. I don’t care about concerts coming to town, I don’t care about TV shows. In fact, I care less about shows than I did before we gave up cable (which includes having access to online viewing and downloading shows). I’ve eliminated things in my life that, to a degree, were meaningless; but they haven’t been replaced with new things that HAVE meaning.
It seems more than just wanting different things. I’ve had enough upheavals last year to make me pretty darn content with the universe around me now. Job is ok, just slow at times, but when it picks up, its crazy in a wonderful way that I thrive in. Downtime at work just kills me (hence the increase in blogging I suppose).
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe a vacation from myself? Just a day or so to kick back? Maybe like Hawkeye said in an episode of MASH about what he’d like to do after the war: “I’d like to be unconscious for a month. Then maybe go to Europe and be unconscious there.” There is just an emptiness I feel on and off the past few years. Things I used to care about don’t seem as relevant as they used to. Keep in mind, this is outside of family and friends. Music for example, seems to be less and less important to me. Maybe is the ease of online music killing the CD or e-Books killing the novel. Everything is simplified with complicated devices and it makes it harder to care about things. I guess it’s a lack of passion for things. I don’t get excited about movies, books, or music coming out. I don’t care about concerts coming to town, I don’t care about TV shows. In fact, I care less about shows than I did before we gave up cable (which includes having access to online viewing and downloading shows). I’ve eliminated things in my life that, to a degree, were meaningless; but they haven’t been replaced with new things that HAVE meaning.