The Viscous Cycle
It's starting again. That feeling that I can't shake. That "I don't care, or want to be alive" feeling. It comes out of nowhere and perches itself right in the fore front of my thoughts for day, weeks, even months at a time. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm suicidal. I just don't feel like I want to be alive. I'm tired of the day before it even begins. I'm finding less and less satisfaction in things, even pot.
It's a pattern. I see it. I know it's fucking there. Intelligently I have to keep reminding myself that this is the cycle you just have to get through it. It works for about a month, maybe, then I'm overwhelmed with apathy. Past the point of ambiguity to just not caring and not caring that I don't care.
This has caused me to lose jobs. I get to a point were I don't want to go to work so badly that my body dutifully obliges by making me genuinely sick. I stay home from work and feel conflicted, guilty over not going, and not guilty cause I'm actually too sick to go, but I know in my heart of hearts it's my not wanting to go that gives my body to okay to get ill. All of this only further increases my level of apathy because at that point it's better to feel nothing, easier to sleep.
It's a pattern. I see it. I know it's fucking there. Intelligently I have to keep reminding myself that this is the cycle you just have to get through it. It works for about a month, maybe, then I'm overwhelmed with apathy. Past the point of ambiguity to just not caring and not caring that I don't care.
This has caused me to lose jobs. I get to a point were I don't want to go to work so badly that my body dutifully obliges by making me genuinely sick. I stay home from work and feel conflicted, guilty over not going, and not guilty cause I'm actually too sick to go, but I know in my heart of hearts it's my not wanting to go that gives my body to okay to get ill. All of this only further increases my level of apathy because at that point it's better to feel nothing, easier to sleep.