looked
Title: Looked
Fandom: Animorphs
Rating: PG
Word Count: 675
Summary: That night, Jordan stares into her face in the bathroom mirror, looking at her cheekbones, trying to hunt out a trace of Rachel still in them.
Written for the challenge at comment_fic.
As soon as Jordan graduates high school, she gets out of town, as far as she can go, which ends up being this little college in Maine. Her parents pay for it. They ask a few questions, but on the whole they don’t really care. She feels a little bit guilty for leaving Sara to all that, but she knows that if she doesn’t get out, she’ll go crazy. Besides, she’s not Rachel. She shouldn’t have to look after everyone.
The first thing she does once she gets to the East Coast is buy a bottle of hair dye. She stands in the aisle of some drug store, under the harsh fluorescent lights, weighing her options. She considers red for a long time, but in the end rejects it. She doesn’t want to stand out. That’s the whole point. She picks a mousy brown color and hopes that she’ll turn out just like the girl on the label-unrecognizable.
The next thing she does is pick a new name. She has to keep Berenson, of course, which is problematic but can be explained away if she’s not Jordan. Which she’s not anymore. From now on, she’ll be Ellie, who can laugh at people when they ask if she’s related to Jake and Rachel and shake her head and say no, it’s just a coincidence.
She gets to practice this first on her roommate who buys it beautifully. That night, Jordan stares into her face in the bathroom mirror, looking at her cheekbones, trying to hunt out a trace of Rachel still in them.
Of course it’s still there, that resemblance, if you know how to look, and Jordan knows how. But if she squeezes her eyes shut, she can’t look at all.
None of it helps. She didn’t bring a single photo of Rachel, nothing to remind her of her older sister, and yet Rachel is still everywhere. These are the college classes that Rachel never got to go to, the quad where she never got to sit, the Frisbee she never got to toss around with cute guys. And that’s just the beginning. The whole world loves Rachel now. The whole world misses her, even in Maine.
The Animorphs movie comes out that year, and of course everyone on her hall goes to see it and Jordan can’t not go without looking weird.
It’s terrible sitting through it, though. Marco (not as cute as in real life) and Rachel have something going on, which Jordan wants to say is all wrong but can’t, and Jake is shown as aloof and removed from everyone else, which can’t be right, either.
Jordan manages not to cry, though, even during Rachel’s death scene, just like she didn’t cry at the funeral.
“What did you think of it?” her roommate asks afterwards.
Jordan shrugs. “It was okay.” She’s trying hard not to think about it. It was awful.
Fridays, she’ll sit out on the quad with the people from her hall and lounge back on the grass and try not to think about her shadow. Maybe she laughs a little too loudly, but she doesn’t think so.
Once, she doesn’t notice that Matthew, the boy across the hall, has been calling her name. Finally her roommate elbows her and points it out.
“Ellie,” Matthew says again.
She smiles at him and flicks her hair over her shoulder. Her face feels tight. In this sort of situation, Rachel would have already sauntered up to the guy. Rachel would be laughing. Jordan was never supposed to have played Rachel’s part.
That night she goes to dinner early and sits alone in the dining hall, watching people walk by. None of them know who she is, but she does, and even that is too much.
“Rachel!” someone says.
She jerks around, doesn’t see anyone looking at her. Of course. Whoever it was wasn’t talking to her. There are lots of other Rachels, lots of other girls who could have been her sister.
She sinks down a bit further in her seat.
Fandom: Animorphs
Rating: PG
Word Count: 675
Summary: That night, Jordan stares into her face in the bathroom mirror, looking at her cheekbones, trying to hunt out a trace of Rachel still in them.
Written for the challenge at comment_fic.
As soon as Jordan graduates high school, she gets out of town, as far as she can go, which ends up being this little college in Maine. Her parents pay for it. They ask a few questions, but on the whole they don’t really care. She feels a little bit guilty for leaving Sara to all that, but she knows that if she doesn’t get out, she’ll go crazy. Besides, she’s not Rachel. She shouldn’t have to look after everyone.
The first thing she does once she gets to the East Coast is buy a bottle of hair dye. She stands in the aisle of some drug store, under the harsh fluorescent lights, weighing her options. She considers red for a long time, but in the end rejects it. She doesn’t want to stand out. That’s the whole point. She picks a mousy brown color and hopes that she’ll turn out just like the girl on the label-unrecognizable.
The next thing she does is pick a new name. She has to keep Berenson, of course, which is problematic but can be explained away if she’s not Jordan. Which she’s not anymore. From now on, she’ll be Ellie, who can laugh at people when they ask if she’s related to Jake and Rachel and shake her head and say no, it’s just a coincidence.
She gets to practice this first on her roommate who buys it beautifully. That night, Jordan stares into her face in the bathroom mirror, looking at her cheekbones, trying to hunt out a trace of Rachel still in them.
Of course it’s still there, that resemblance, if you know how to look, and Jordan knows how. But if she squeezes her eyes shut, she can’t look at all.
None of it helps. She didn’t bring a single photo of Rachel, nothing to remind her of her older sister, and yet Rachel is still everywhere. These are the college classes that Rachel never got to go to, the quad where she never got to sit, the Frisbee she never got to toss around with cute guys. And that’s just the beginning. The whole world loves Rachel now. The whole world misses her, even in Maine.
The Animorphs movie comes out that year, and of course everyone on her hall goes to see it and Jordan can’t not go without looking weird.
It’s terrible sitting through it, though. Marco (not as cute as in real life) and Rachel have something going on, which Jordan wants to say is all wrong but can’t, and Jake is shown as aloof and removed from everyone else, which can’t be right, either.
Jordan manages not to cry, though, even during Rachel’s death scene, just like she didn’t cry at the funeral.
“What did you think of it?” her roommate asks afterwards.
Jordan shrugs. “It was okay.” She’s trying hard not to think about it. It was awful.
Fridays, she’ll sit out on the quad with the people from her hall and lounge back on the grass and try not to think about her shadow. Maybe she laughs a little too loudly, but she doesn’t think so.
Once, she doesn’t notice that Matthew, the boy across the hall, has been calling her name. Finally her roommate elbows her and points it out.
“Ellie,” Matthew says again.
She smiles at him and flicks her hair over her shoulder. Her face feels tight. In this sort of situation, Rachel would have already sauntered up to the guy. Rachel would be laughing. Jordan was never supposed to have played Rachel’s part.
That night she goes to dinner early and sits alone in the dining hall, watching people walk by. None of them know who she is, but she does, and even that is too much.
“Rachel!” someone says.
She jerks around, doesn’t see anyone looking at her. Of course. Whoever it was wasn’t talking to her. There are lots of other Rachels, lots of other girls who could have been her sister.
She sinks down a bit further in her seat.