Tonight's got me thinkin'
Today was my good friend's birthday. I miss her. Anyway, tonight she got engaged! I swear, I nearly cried, I was so happy. And that never happens. I'm currently in my mushy state right now so this whole engagement thing has got me thinking. I'm very jealous of my friend right now. She had this boyfriend for 5-ish years and now they're engaged. I still have yet to even have my first first boyfriend.
Any other time, I'm not bothered by the fact that I'm not with someone right now; however, weddings, engagements, and even passing conversations about boyfriends have been reminding me constantly that I have no one. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that right now or even at all, but when you see it all around you...you begin to wonder what it's like. I kinda want to know what it's like -- first hand. There's a whole other side of me that hasn't been explored yet and I want to know what kind of person I'll be when I'm with someone I really like. But here's the thing, I'm terrified of the opposite sex. If you know me, this doesn't make any kind of sense. Well yeah, my very personality is a paradox. I guess the better way of identifying my conundrum is that I am terrified of showing my feelings to someone of the opposite sex; I'm terrified of being intimate. It's a territory I haven't explored, and when/if the time comes, there will be no one to hold my hand to guide me. I know it's something I will have to step into alone. 'Cause that's the part of growing up, isn't it?
Any other time, I'm not bothered by the fact that I'm not with someone right now; however, weddings, engagements, and even passing conversations about boyfriends have been reminding me constantly that I have no one. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that right now or even at all, but when you see it all around you...you begin to wonder what it's like. I kinda want to know what it's like -- first hand. There's a whole other side of me that hasn't been explored yet and I want to know what kind of person I'll be when I'm with someone I really like. But here's the thing, I'm terrified of the opposite sex. If you know me, this doesn't make any kind of sense. Well yeah, my very personality is a paradox. I guess the better way of identifying my conundrum is that I am terrified of showing my feelings to someone of the opposite sex; I'm terrified of being intimate. It's a territory I haven't explored, and when/if the time comes, there will be no one to hold my hand to guide me. I know it's something I will have to step into alone. 'Cause that's the part of growing up, isn't it?