(no subject)
I'm dying, and I don't know how to deal with it.
I didn't want to be scared at this point. I wanted to make a graceful exit. I am pretty sure I have fool-proof method of dying that will result in my death with very little pain on my end. I think, but I don't know, and I'm scared. I'm really scared. Scared of what the doctors are going to tell me, and scared of what they won't. Scared that I will have to ride this out the messy, painful way, instead of making a quiet exit on my own terms.
I don't want to die in a hospital, and have it dragged out over days and weeks of slowly drowning in my own skin. Pneumonia, fevers, and so much pain. I don't want that, but faced with that ahead of me I can't decide to do otherwise. I want to live, dammit.
But what I want doesn't feel like enough to make things better. I don't want to believe that I am at the point of no return, but I can't convince myself that I'm not.
I didn't want to be scared at this point. I wanted to make a graceful exit. I am pretty sure I have fool-proof method of dying that will result in my death with very little pain on my end. I think, but I don't know, and I'm scared. I'm really scared. Scared of what the doctors are going to tell me, and scared of what they won't. Scared that I will have to ride this out the messy, painful way, instead of making a quiet exit on my own terms.
I don't want to die in a hospital, and have it dragged out over days and weeks of slowly drowning in my own skin. Pneumonia, fevers, and so much pain. I don't want that, but faced with that ahead of me I can't decide to do otherwise. I want to live, dammit.
But what I want doesn't feel like enough to make things better. I don't want to believe that I am at the point of no return, but I can't convince myself that I'm not.