(no subject)
It has gotten easier. I find I'm almost happy some days. Not about where I'm living, or the state I'm in, or even the details of my life (which are still frustrating and just straight up depressing at times), but on some level I've accepted and adjusted to all of this. I'm here now, and for now I'm alright with that. Maybe it's the sun and the influx of vitamin D, or maybe it's that I get out at least once a week to hang out with Darren and talk. It's been years since I've just gone out, hung out, and just talked. The little things, if I focus on them, bog me down, but in the moment, if I close my eyes and just breathe, I'm doing ok. In some ways I feel better here than I did in Portland. I seem to have more energy, and on the days I don't hurt too much to do something with that energy, it's a pretty good feeling to have.
I sat down with the intention of writing something else. A side effect of long conveersations with Darren is that my head gets filled with ideas. Ruminations on my past, and how I got here. Idiosyncratic behaviors that I rarely examine in myself, I begin to question and explore. Ideas for projects I'll never start, characters I'll never write much about, or scenes for films that will never get made. These things entertain me long after the dinner is over, and, like tonight, keep me up well after I've tried to end the day and get some sleep.
Instead I'm here, typing away trying to clear my head of this strange brew of nostalgia and creativity. For the last two weeks or so I've been on a daylight schedule. Going to sleep before 10pm, waking up before 8am. Like some kind of normal person. It's comforting, but a little odd, to find myself up at 1 again, wondering if I'm flipping back to my normal nocturnal hours. Part of me really hopes so. The quiet hours of the early morning is my favorite time of day. Even Southern California is beautiful in darkness.
I sat down with all sorts of ideas in my heads. The imaginary friends of my childhood, and my adulthood. The story I'm supposed to be writing for Darren. The reasons why, even though I've been here for 6 weeks, I have consciously refused to set foot in Irvine, and the conflict I have every night not to drive through every street I grew up on. Maybe I'll write about that soon. I do a lot of my expression through Facebook now, but those are all topics that don't belong there. I still find Livejoyrnal more appropriate for the longer explorations of my personal thoughts.
But all of that left my head when I realized I should let anyone who reads this know - I'm feeling better. I'm not happy about a lot of things in my life, but I seem to be happy enough with my life.
I sat down with the intention of writing something else. A side effect of long conveersations with Darren is that my head gets filled with ideas. Ruminations on my past, and how I got here. Idiosyncratic behaviors that I rarely examine in myself, I begin to question and explore. Ideas for projects I'll never start, characters I'll never write much about, or scenes for films that will never get made. These things entertain me long after the dinner is over, and, like tonight, keep me up well after I've tried to end the day and get some sleep.
Instead I'm here, typing away trying to clear my head of this strange brew of nostalgia and creativity. For the last two weeks or so I've been on a daylight schedule. Going to sleep before 10pm, waking up before 8am. Like some kind of normal person. It's comforting, but a little odd, to find myself up at 1 again, wondering if I'm flipping back to my normal nocturnal hours. Part of me really hopes so. The quiet hours of the early morning is my favorite time of day. Even Southern California is beautiful in darkness.
I sat down with all sorts of ideas in my heads. The imaginary friends of my childhood, and my adulthood. The story I'm supposed to be writing for Darren. The reasons why, even though I've been here for 6 weeks, I have consciously refused to set foot in Irvine, and the conflict I have every night not to drive through every street I grew up on. Maybe I'll write about that soon. I do a lot of my expression through Facebook now, but those are all topics that don't belong there. I still find Livejoyrnal more appropriate for the longer explorations of my personal thoughts.
But all of that left my head when I realized I should let anyone who reads this know - I'm feeling better. I'm not happy about a lot of things in my life, but I seem to be happy enough with my life.