me lately...
they say that you shouldn't expect change to come all at once. we are all works in progress, right? if i think back to a year or two ago & compare it to now...i have made an incredible amount of changes in my life...very, very....very......slowly. some are apparent to all...like getting married & finally talking seriously about starting a family soon & stuff like that...but that's not even what i'm talking about. what i am talking about is on a personal level alone...things that would only be apparent to those closest to me. i feel like i am finally starting to come into myself as a person. to accept who i am as a person...whether people realize who it is that i am or not. because if people don't see "me" then it's kind of not my problem.
i have come to realize that i shouldn't feel the need other than maybe once in a great while to prove who i am inside. this is starting to make me a more secure person than i've ever been before. i can't please everyone & i shouldn't have to prove myself over & over & over again. now i also realize that the having to prove myself thing came mostly from within me, not others.
i have a really strong group of friends in my life. some of them i talk to on a daily basis & some i haven't talked to in way too long...some i am even kind of estranged from at the moment. but all of them are people that i know would be there for me in a heartbeat if i really needed something. in realizing this i've also come to realize no one can be there for anyone else 24/7...not even me...and that's okay. i've realized that it is okay to have arguments and/or not get along for short periods of time...normal even. it's all in the way you handle yourself while those times are occurring...i never say anything about anyone that i don't end up saying right to them shortly after. do i sometimes say more than i should out of frustration? yes. but i've learned to never, ever completely bash anyone just because something set me off in the moment...and believe me, i am an over-reactor...as are most of the people i know...but no matter what i always have in mind how much i love the person i happen to not be getting along with in the moment...and that's what makes me never cross any lines i shouldn't. people are always gonna talk when they are frustrated...and admittedly, i do. i just make sure to never say anything that i won't be able to live with not being able to take back later. because i know that peoples flaws shouldn't be focused on more than their strengths. all of this should be obvious i guess...but i tend to be a critical person more than i'd like to be. this is something i'm still working on...but i'm also a realist...i know things aren't always perfect & people aren't perfect. we all have errors in judgment.
i can't control what other people do or say...but i can control how i react to specific situations...i know when to just let things go & sit back & wait for them to blow over. i know to always admit to anything i say or do...even if i know i messed up, which i do at times...plus it's not in my nature to lie. i know if something's worth getting mad over...not something petty & little but something that could potentially change a relationship with someone important to me...i need to take a breather & directly talk to that person about it at a later time. because if i don't it'll turn into something huge in my own head...that the other person might not even be aware of. and i don't want anything to escalate & cause me to be vindictive...wanting to hurt someone for not a good enough reason. i've stopped most of the behavior that i know if i look back on will cause me to be ashamed of myself. plus...i don't want karma coming back to get me like it has before. i'm trying to stop the cycle within myself of the things i have control of...i know who i am & i'm not out to get anyone. i don't have time for that...i am thinking of more important things at this stage of my life...like having a family. that's my focus right now...the rest is kid behavior that i need to get out of my system. i have no drama in my life right now...that's a start. problems, sure, that's unavoidable...that's life.
but the thing is...since i feel like i am starting to know who i am now...i am more able to change some things i've wanted to change for a long time. things that i thought had to do with other people i'm now realizing had very little to do with them & everything to do with me. i know i have some flaws...that i'm a little too gossipy & such...but i know also that inside i am a good person & an amazing friend. i finally know this for real. i feel the way my heart swells just being around those that i care about...i so appreciate the amazing bonds i have with these people who knew who i was even before i did. i know how much i am willing to give to people in many different ways & i know in a world of a lot of selfish people that it isn't easy to get a lot of people to look past their own needs. i am realizing that i don't really need to be selfish because my needs have been fulfilled. all of this...and not feeling the need to question the intentions of those closest to me...has brought me serenity...and sanity. i don't fly off the handle anymore when things go in a way that i don't like. it's a big step for me...
unbelievably, i haven't needed to take anxiety medication in awhile now...because i am actually content with my life. i am secure in my relationship & friendships. i have had very little anxiety in months...i didn't know what life was like without intermittent heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, shakiness, & stomach pain. i didn't know what it was like to not feel sick on a regular basis. i started actually dealing with it...not just trying to cover it up with medication that never works well enough...i pushed through it when the symptoms happened...i told myself i was gonna be alright...nothing bad was happening...it will pass...you know this. i've just had enough...i want to be a parent...i need more stability...i got tired of the way i missed out on things & constantly inconvenienced others by being sick all the time. changing this doesn't happen overnight...it has taken a LONG time. but where i can see the biggest difference is the 2 jobs i had before this one i went way over the allowed sick time & always had to bring in doctors notes all the time...it was always an issue for me. in the 2.5 years i've worked at this job i've only called out maybe 3 times. i've come to realize that if i am sick that often it's because something is really wrong in my life...and not physically, but mentally. there was a lot wrong...most of it was my own fault. most of this change has come from me...it had to...i was being way too dependent on other people in every way...but there have been people that have really helped me along the way who i probably haven't shown enough gratitude to. and unfortunately, a person or 2 that i likely will never be able to.
so while i have generally been happy...i don't feel like i show it enough...too many annoying agitating things happen on a daily basis that take too much precedence. it's too easy to complain all the time...instead of focusing on the things that are good. but not every single thing that happens is good...some are next to devastating. something happened recently that knocked the wind out of me...broke my heart...i'm dealing with it the best that i can without letting it overtake my life. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't care...
i have come to realize that i shouldn't feel the need other than maybe once in a great while to prove who i am inside. this is starting to make me a more secure person than i've ever been before. i can't please everyone & i shouldn't have to prove myself over & over & over again. now i also realize that the having to prove myself thing came mostly from within me, not others.
i have a really strong group of friends in my life. some of them i talk to on a daily basis & some i haven't talked to in way too long...some i am even kind of estranged from at the moment. but all of them are people that i know would be there for me in a heartbeat if i really needed something. in realizing this i've also come to realize no one can be there for anyone else 24/7...not even me...and that's okay. i've realized that it is okay to have arguments and/or not get along for short periods of time...normal even. it's all in the way you handle yourself while those times are occurring...i never say anything about anyone that i don't end up saying right to them shortly after. do i sometimes say more than i should out of frustration? yes. but i've learned to never, ever completely bash anyone just because something set me off in the moment...and believe me, i am an over-reactor...as are most of the people i know...but no matter what i always have in mind how much i love the person i happen to not be getting along with in the moment...and that's what makes me never cross any lines i shouldn't. people are always gonna talk when they are frustrated...and admittedly, i do. i just make sure to never say anything that i won't be able to live with not being able to take back later. because i know that peoples flaws shouldn't be focused on more than their strengths. all of this should be obvious i guess...but i tend to be a critical person more than i'd like to be. this is something i'm still working on...but i'm also a realist...i know things aren't always perfect & people aren't perfect. we all have errors in judgment.
i can't control what other people do or say...but i can control how i react to specific situations...i know when to just let things go & sit back & wait for them to blow over. i know to always admit to anything i say or do...even if i know i messed up, which i do at times...plus it's not in my nature to lie. i know if something's worth getting mad over...not something petty & little but something that could potentially change a relationship with someone important to me...i need to take a breather & directly talk to that person about it at a later time. because if i don't it'll turn into something huge in my own head...that the other person might not even be aware of. and i don't want anything to escalate & cause me to be vindictive...wanting to hurt someone for not a good enough reason. i've stopped most of the behavior that i know if i look back on will cause me to be ashamed of myself. plus...i don't want karma coming back to get me like it has before. i'm trying to stop the cycle within myself of the things i have control of...i know who i am & i'm not out to get anyone. i don't have time for that...i am thinking of more important things at this stage of my life...like having a family. that's my focus right now...the rest is kid behavior that i need to get out of my system. i have no drama in my life right now...that's a start. problems, sure, that's unavoidable...that's life.
but the thing is...since i feel like i am starting to know who i am now...i am more able to change some things i've wanted to change for a long time. things that i thought had to do with other people i'm now realizing had very little to do with them & everything to do with me. i know i have some flaws...that i'm a little too gossipy & such...but i know also that inside i am a good person & an amazing friend. i finally know this for real. i feel the way my heart swells just being around those that i care about...i so appreciate the amazing bonds i have with these people who knew who i was even before i did. i know how much i am willing to give to people in many different ways & i know in a world of a lot of selfish people that it isn't easy to get a lot of people to look past their own needs. i am realizing that i don't really need to be selfish because my needs have been fulfilled. all of this...and not feeling the need to question the intentions of those closest to me...has brought me serenity...and sanity. i don't fly off the handle anymore when things go in a way that i don't like. it's a big step for me...
unbelievably, i haven't needed to take anxiety medication in awhile now...because i am actually content with my life. i am secure in my relationship & friendships. i have had very little anxiety in months...i didn't know what life was like without intermittent heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, shakiness, & stomach pain. i didn't know what it was like to not feel sick on a regular basis. i started actually dealing with it...not just trying to cover it up with medication that never works well enough...i pushed through it when the symptoms happened...i told myself i was gonna be alright...nothing bad was happening...it will pass...you know this. i've just had enough...i want to be a parent...i need more stability...i got tired of the way i missed out on things & constantly inconvenienced others by being sick all the time. changing this doesn't happen overnight...it has taken a LONG time. but where i can see the biggest difference is the 2 jobs i had before this one i went way over the allowed sick time & always had to bring in doctors notes all the time...it was always an issue for me. in the 2.5 years i've worked at this job i've only called out maybe 3 times. i've come to realize that if i am sick that often it's because something is really wrong in my life...and not physically, but mentally. there was a lot wrong...most of it was my own fault. most of this change has come from me...it had to...i was being way too dependent on other people in every way...but there have been people that have really helped me along the way who i probably haven't shown enough gratitude to. and unfortunately, a person or 2 that i likely will never be able to.
so while i have generally been happy...i don't feel like i show it enough...too many annoying agitating things happen on a daily basis that take too much precedence. it's too easy to complain all the time...instead of focusing on the things that are good. but not every single thing that happens is good...some are next to devastating. something happened recently that knocked the wind out of me...broke my heart...i'm dealing with it the best that i can without letting it overtake my life. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't care...