Sigh...
Well, I cried. A lot. Old abandonment issues suck... I'm not even sure why I cry. The first time he left for St. Louis I was fine... unless it was that hiccup in his coming back down here that threw a few stones off my rocky standing...
I don't wanna sleep... not at all... I want to stay up to watch him come through the door... but that'll take a couple days... and I have work... much as I would absolutely love to, I can't. I have to get used to this kind of thing... I really don't want to go out-of-state for Christmas... but I don't know how well I'd survive a month without him. I gave myself a tad bit of heart damage over my last bad breakup (yay me~ It's been a year and I'm feeling the warm fuzzy on occasion :3)... I'd just be absolutely depressed and crying every twelve hours... I don't wanna leave home for Christmas, I really don't. I don't want to go to Maine for a month... but it seems like I might be forced into it... It's the number one thing I don't want to do.
I don't know... I just might not be able to stand being alone for fear of being left alone again... I don't know...
It's bad enough that I'm wanting to drift back to the way I was before... before I started to get better...
I'm far too fucking clingy. Far too fucking clingy... THis is how I wound up almost dying... only without the crying so much and with more loving and more warm fuzziness and glow in my chest... I've been so scared to love, but also terrified to lose, that I can't move very well...
I don't want to go to Maine for Christmas... I could probably deal with him going back to St. Louis... maybe straight to Maine, flying, for a week or a TAD BIT more, but not an entire month away from here... Because of how I am now, I'm pretty much forced into going to Maine it seems. I don't want to go in the winter, I dont' want to go at all... but I am only slightly more inclined to go during the summer...
I've got someone to love me, to hold me, to care about me... and I'm so scared to give in a little bit that it might suddenly be torn away from me... I can barely stand being six or seven hours away from him if it's of my own choice, like going to mom and dad's to stay the night. But hell, if he's the one going someplace, I'll break down before it's time to go out the door... it's the second time I've done it now. I think it's just going to get worse... Hell, sometimes I get to worrying if it's just to pop out for a moment...
Or am I so paranoid to think that he's talking bad stuff about me behind my back? Pah, I doubt it. I doubt that the roommate would be so happy to listen to that. I could probably see a couple of ex-friends eager to pop on the wagon to talk about me... but we don't hang out with them... One because he's not very reliable anymore... the other because he's just not trustworthy...
I'm just glad I've been able to open up to feel things again... Spirits on the wind in particular... I've missed them so much. Nothing quite like a little somebody to lift a sudden phobia or be with you while you sing, dancing around happily... The wind always blows when I sing. But not so much around other people... I know it can't be a timing thing, seriously... Intuition about when the wind blows? Come on...
Sigh...
Time to cuddle with the pillow... get some sleep and all that jazz...
I don't wanna sleep... not at all... I want to stay up to watch him come through the door... but that'll take a couple days... and I have work... much as I would absolutely love to, I can't. I have to get used to this kind of thing... I really don't want to go out-of-state for Christmas... but I don't know how well I'd survive a month without him. I gave myself a tad bit of heart damage over my last bad breakup (yay me~ It's been a year and I'm feeling the warm fuzzy on occasion :3)... I'd just be absolutely depressed and crying every twelve hours... I don't wanna leave home for Christmas, I really don't. I don't want to go to Maine for a month... but it seems like I might be forced into it... It's the number one thing I don't want to do.
I don't know... I just might not be able to stand being alone for fear of being left alone again... I don't know...
It's bad enough that I'm wanting to drift back to the way I was before... before I started to get better...
I'm far too fucking clingy. Far too fucking clingy... THis is how I wound up almost dying... only without the crying so much and with more loving and more warm fuzziness and glow in my chest... I've been so scared to love, but also terrified to lose, that I can't move very well...
I don't want to go to Maine for Christmas... I could probably deal with him going back to St. Louis... maybe straight to Maine, flying, for a week or a TAD BIT more, but not an entire month away from here... Because of how I am now, I'm pretty much forced into going to Maine it seems. I don't want to go in the winter, I dont' want to go at all... but I am only slightly more inclined to go during the summer...
I've got someone to love me, to hold me, to care about me... and I'm so scared to give in a little bit that it might suddenly be torn away from me... I can barely stand being six or seven hours away from him if it's of my own choice, like going to mom and dad's to stay the night. But hell, if he's the one going someplace, I'll break down before it's time to go out the door... it's the second time I've done it now. I think it's just going to get worse... Hell, sometimes I get to worrying if it's just to pop out for a moment...
Or am I so paranoid to think that he's talking bad stuff about me behind my back? Pah, I doubt it. I doubt that the roommate would be so happy to listen to that. I could probably see a couple of ex-friends eager to pop on the wagon to talk about me... but we don't hang out with them... One because he's not very reliable anymore... the other because he's just not trustworthy...
I'm just glad I've been able to open up to feel things again... Spirits on the wind in particular... I've missed them so much. Nothing quite like a little somebody to lift a sudden phobia or be with you while you sing, dancing around happily... The wind always blows when I sing. But not so much around other people... I know it can't be a timing thing, seriously... Intuition about when the wind blows? Come on...
Sigh...
Time to cuddle with the pillow... get some sleep and all that jazz...