An update...
So... Work is going pretty well. This is the last week of transition then we'll be off on our own and mostly split up next week... Yesterday we found out who our new team leaders will be and we're mostly split into groups of two. Other than that, I'm learning things and making some money.
That all aside... I'm getting terrified of my relationship again. I can see why some women lie about their age. Right now I'm close to crying. I'm scared of my boyfriend or anything like that, I'm just always terrified about tomorrow because I'm scared of... well. The far future, I'll say it like that. I think it might have to do with my boyfriend's lack of faith in an afterlife (as I understand it). I don't see how some can believe there's nothing... If I started down that path, then... why live? Seriously. Why bother living? We're here for an eyeblink, so why bother going through so much? Yeah, sure, there are some good things in life, but the grief outweighs them all in my opinion.
My fears are messing with my need to communicate because I don't want to break down and start crying and freak him out. I also don't want him to worry, so I keep it all bottled up inside until I break down and start crying somewhere or until I let it out in a medium like this. Like last on Sunday I had some major insecurities because we had a rough patch for a few days when he was just straight-up unhappy with our relationship because I was being so bitchy and unmanageable. Bickering about anything and everything. The last straw with him was when I was jabbing at our different tastes in music. "Then I don't see why we're together" or something like that. It was really a wake-up call and from then on I was absolutely terrified about our relationship and I filled him in on my bad breakup. "Well... if you can love someone like him so much and me, then you can do so again." Oh, I was so scared...
I dunno why I'm so terrified of everything other than I'm terrified of losing him. It's an insecurity issue. I know this. I just wish that I could get over it...
That all aside... I'm getting terrified of my relationship again. I can see why some women lie about their age. Right now I'm close to crying. I'm scared of my boyfriend or anything like that, I'm just always terrified about tomorrow because I'm scared of... well. The far future, I'll say it like that. I think it might have to do with my boyfriend's lack of faith in an afterlife (as I understand it). I don't see how some can believe there's nothing... If I started down that path, then... why live? Seriously. Why bother living? We're here for an eyeblink, so why bother going through so much? Yeah, sure, there are some good things in life, but the grief outweighs them all in my opinion.
My fears are messing with my need to communicate because I don't want to break down and start crying and freak him out. I also don't want him to worry, so I keep it all bottled up inside until I break down and start crying somewhere or until I let it out in a medium like this. Like last on Sunday I had some major insecurities because we had a rough patch for a few days when he was just straight-up unhappy with our relationship because I was being so bitchy and unmanageable. Bickering about anything and everything. The last straw with him was when I was jabbing at our different tastes in music. "Then I don't see why we're together" or something like that. It was really a wake-up call and from then on I was absolutely terrified about our relationship and I filled him in on my bad breakup. "Well... if you can love someone like him so much and me, then you can do so again." Oh, I was so scared...
I dunno why I'm so terrified of everything other than I'm terrified of losing him. It's an insecurity issue. I know this. I just wish that I could get over it...