[for Xander]

[oddly_literal]

She was having a nightmare. Dr House had recommended lots of rest, and she didn't really feel like facing the world right now. So Anya had decided to nap. Only sleep wasn't the safe haven she'd hoped for. All she could see was Xander leaning over her, his face changing, leaving only the face of a vampire. She would run, and he would always be

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[scoobys_heart]

Xander heard the loud 'NO!' just as he came up to the door of Anya's shared room in the compound and suddenly, his dwindling courage fell even more. It had taken him most of the day to work up being able to leave the hut, much less come check on Anya but in the end, he had to make sure she was okay and well...he owed it to her.

He understood the nightmares, he'd had them too. Of biting her, of giving into Spike's request...It's why he'd stayed curled up on his make shit bed for most of the day after he'd turned back to normal. The need for fear, violence, blood...if he wasn't careful he'd just make himself sick again.

Finally he took a deep breath and stuck his head into the room. He took in the sight of her, crying and curled up and immediately wanted to leave. He'd done this to her and after... "Anya?" He asked in a small voice.

[oddly_literal]

The sound of that voice, it made her whole body stiffen, even as she lifted her head to look at him, fear in her eyes. She hated this. She'd never been easy to scare before, and now the thing, the person that had scared her was the person she loved. She hated this place.

[scoobys_heart]

Not as much as he did. He'd been that monster after all and hurt her. Would have killed her...

Xander swallowed as he stepped more fully into view, but not coming all the way into the room. "Anya I...wanted to see if you were okay...and to well...I don't think I could ever apologize enough for what I did. I'm...god, I'm so sorry..." His voice cracked then he stopped, finally looking up at her and visibly recoiled at the terror in her eyes that mirrored the pain in his.

[oddly_literal]

As frightened as she had been, and still was, she didn't want him to go. "Xander?" her voice was small as she tried to fight down the terror. Susan had told her it was all over, but part of her was still worried.

[scoobys_heart]

He gave her a defeated look, not sure what to do. He wanted to leave, stop seeing her terror of him but her tone said she wanted him to stay. Why he couldn't imagine? To tell him that she didn't forgive him? He wouldn't blame her

[oddly_literal]

She really really didn't, but part of her needed to. She was sitting at least, and she held a hand out to him, wanting him to come over, even though the trembling in her hand showed she was still afraid. "Xander, I don't..." I don't want to be alone, I can't sleep, so many things she could say. None of them came out. "Please?"

[scoobys_heart]

Xander just nodded and slowly came forward. When he sat down, it was at the opposite end of the bed, so they were close...but he didn't think either of them completely wanted to bridge that gap. Not yet. And he hoped that it never came to not ever.

[oddly_literal]

"I was scared. Of you. I mean... It wasn't like it was with evil Willow, it wasn't really you, was it? It was something else inside you?" She wants him to say yes. She needs him to say yes. And she wants him to move closer, even as much as she doesn't, dropping her hand on the bed to rest between them.

[scoobys_heart]

His heart still clenched whenever Anya mentioned an evil version of his Willow. He didn't think he'd ever believe it.

Though with a small sigh of relief he could nod his head. "Yeah...I guess I wasn't a completely a vampire because I was still there...along with it." Tentatively, he reached forward gently clasped her hand, looking down at them. "I tried...I tried so hard to make it stop...but I'd been fighting it all day so..."

[oddly_literal]

"And I didn't go when you told me to," Which was where her guilt from it all was coming, even as she reached that bit further to touch the tips of her fingers to his. "I'm sorry."

[scoobys_heart]

Finally, Xander looked up at her, slightly surprised at that, so much so that he didn't know what to say.

[oddly_literal]

"It was stupid of me. I should have gone when you told me to go. I was worried." She'd been terrified even then, but more of what had happened to him. "Then I didn't want to hurt you." Not that she could have. In the end he'd hurt her, and she still had the bandages on her neck to prove it.

Her fingers crooked around his just a bit. "I never have listened very well. Everyone's always said that. Even you."

[scoobys_heart]

"Anya..." He couldn't believe she was blaming herself for this. Yes, her being terrified of him hurt...but not as much as her blaming herself for him hurting her. "I hurt you. I didn't fight it hard enough and I hurt you. This...yes you should have listened to me but this isn't your fault."

Xander's eyes finally rested on the bandaged on her neck and he paled a bit as he fought to keep his hand where it was and not take it back. He had no right to touch her.

[oddly_literal]

But she wouldn't let him even if he'd tried to move it, her hand covering his. "How is it your fault that this stupid place did that to you? Its too easy, when you're a demon to not think anything human. At all." To have no pity, or mercy, or... Anya screwed her eyes shut.

[scoobys_heart]

"But I was still there...it wasn't just the demon, I was there too and I couldn't stop it..." He felt the helplessness again in explaining it to her as he had felt when it was biting her.

[oddly_literal]

"But it wasn't you." She believed that, every part of her. "And when you could have killed me, you didn't Xander."

It wasn't helping with the nightmares though.