Possibly the most disturbing fic ever? Well, no.
Un-friends-locked, because I'm not really any more worried about people finding this than the rest of it all.
Entirely written after I realized I was too tired to go on with carmarthen's story. Not exactly what you asked for, 0100111. Um, warning, I think.
The sun was just making its way over the hump of noon. Its yellow rays played lazily along the ridges of waves and sand, diffracted into oily colours over sun-blocked arms and offered a little bit extra emphasis to certain aspects of a young Pamula-Anderson-in-training who was running along the shoreline. The beach was littered with young, scantily clad sunbathers bouncing and playing in the cool water, wet bikini tops both clinging and threatening to fall off at the same time… But we should probably divert your attention to a small group of kids doing a rather different sort of picking up.
A few metres away from them a bathing-suit-optional sort of water Frisbee had broken out, but these five had definitely decided that hipwaders were the thing to be in. They were wading along the shoreline, collecting the odd fishing line and pop can that they came across.
After a while one of their number, a gangly redhead named Wheeler who had been staring desperately at a young blond in a pink bikini, groaned in disgust. “I don’t get why we’re doing this!” he said. There was a general consensus of disgusted yet non-surprised glares in his direction, although Ma-Ti, the youngest member of the group, was splashing after a paper bag.
“Look, okay, I get ‘this’ in general. Helping the environment, saving the world, getting the extra bottle deposits… Fine. But why this this?” He gestured vaguely at the sun, the water, the unofficial swimsuit competition. “I mean, the water here tests better than the public swimming pool.”
“That depends if you’re testing the kiddie section,” said Kwame, scooping up a pop bottle that wandered by him.
Gi waded between them both and filled an eyedropper with water. “Think of all the marine animals you’re helping right now,” she told him.
Wheeler glanced back to where the Frisbee had gone out of control and hit the pink bikini girl in the back. One of her shoulder straps had broken. “I’m too busy thinking about the ones I’m not,” he muttered.
“Oh, cheer up,” Linka said. “You’re with friends and doing something worthwhile. This is fun.”
Wheeler watched as she bent down to pick up an empty sunscreen bottle. “You know,” he said. “I think I’d have more fun if you’d change into your bathing suit.”
Linka continued grinning at him, but a moment later a strong gust of wind knocked him backwards into the water. He tried standing up again, but the hipwaders were full of water and he ended up scrabbling for shore.
“Alright,” Wheeler said when they had stopped laughing. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to-”
He was interrupted by Ma-Ti, who had just jumped out of the water holding something long and red and filled with water. “What’s this?” he called. “Some sort of balloon?”
There was a moment of silence.
“You know,” Linka said slowly, “I think I need to be getting back. Um, chores.”
“And, I really need, er, pizza,” Kwame announced. “Right now.”
Gi pointed at the shoreline they’d already cleared. “And I think the dolphins will all stay on that side of the, er, ocean.”
“Hey,” shouted Wheeler. “Wait a minute!” But they had already disappeared down the beach.
There was a noise beside him, and when Wheeler turned Ma-Ti was there, holding up his prize. Wheeler made a strangled sounding gasp and jumped backwards, tripping over his discarded rubber hipwaders.
“And it’s not even metaphorical,” he groused to no one in particular, but probably Ma-Ti. “It’s just a summary.”
Ma-Ti smiled bewilderedly down at him.
*
So Wheeler had gotten out the package of Extra Long, Johns! he had bought from a bathroom dispenser a few months ago and hidden in his sock drawer, and dropped them on his bed next to Ma-Ti. His teammate had studied the package for a few moments and then looked back at Wheeler with such a clueless expression he had been stuck being embarrassed for the both of them. At this point, he couldn’t be sure his hair was still redder than the rest of his head and he didn’t mean that he didn’t mean that he didn’t…
“Well, uh,” began Wheeler. “You know how sometimes you, uh, go to the bathroom?”
“Yes,” said Ma-Ti.
“Um, well, and you know how if you have a few extra minutes, you know how, uh, what you do sometimes?” Wheeler wasn’t sure how that had come out, but at least it sounded better than it had in his he… in his mind.
“Wash my hands?”
“Um, no.” Wheeler scratched at his ear. “Something else.”
Ma-Ti looked at him suspiciously. “Change the toilet paper roll?”
“What?”
“Kwame already gave me the bathroom speech.”
“Um. Not this one.” Wheeler sighed. “Okay, you know how sometimes if you’re thinking about a really hot chick or a b- or, you know, whatever? And your… and your…” He tried to gesture, but Ma-Ti just stared. Wheeler had never been all that great at charades. “Look, aren’t you supposed to be empathic?” he asked desperately. “Don’t you know what I’m thinking?”
“I’m thinking you’re one ring shy of a Captain Planet. Are you all right, Wheeler?”
“Yes! Well, no, obviously.” He scratched at his ear again. “Your penis,” he said, using that strange tone of voice that meant he’d rather be mumbling but really didn’t want to repeat himself. “You know how sometimes it gets…”
He gestured again, but this was an easier concept and Ma-Ti managed to guess. “Bigger?”
“Yes! Um. So, that’s called an erection.”
Ma-Ti considered this. He read the instructions on the back of the condom box again. “Ah,” he said. “I thought perhaps they were building decorations.”
Wheeler, who had considered himself on a roll with that last bit, suddenly had nothing to say but, “Er?” But this is understandable, because he was thinking of the rest of the instructions on the packet, which were of the sort normally found on bathroom condom packs with names like Extra long, Johns! That is to say, if you’re buying them for their intended purpose, the packagers are probably right in assuming that you have the level of experience that requires labelled diagrams.
“You know, I had this dream once,” Ma-Ti was taking advantage of Wheeler’s confusion to say. “I was running through the forest, and then there was this monkey and-”
“I don’t want to know!” Wheeler took a deep breath. “Sorry. I just really really don’t want to know.”
“Oh.” Ma-Ti took out a condom and unwrapped it, glancing at the instructions every couple seconds. He looked at the resulting circle of rubber, and then at Wheeler. Wheeler was most adamantly not empathic, but there are some expressions hardwired into the male brain.
“Well, you have to, um, extend it out,” said Wheeler, sounding insulted.
Ma-Ti shrugged, and then managed it with some creative use of a finger. Wheeler groaned, and then flopped on the bed feeling strangely exhausted. At least the kid wasn’t using his tongue. Not that that was a thought he wanted to keep around.
“Wow,” whispered Ma-Ti, who had managed to get the whole Extra Long! stretched out. He looked down at Wheeler with a new degree of respect.
The door to Wheeler’s room swung open with a squeak and the sound of three people talking at once.
“Hey, are you guys okay?”
“We heard funny noises.”
“…and then I said…”
It occurred to Wheeler, as he looked into the shocked faces of the rest of the Planeteers, that lying on a bed while a twelve year old leans over you holding a condom is not the most auspicious place to be when facing superheroes. Even if your own power could kick their collective asses. Probably.
The door slowly swung shut, and there were some awkward shuffling noises in the hallway.
“Get off,” Wheeler muttered. “Off, off, off.” It was the wrong thing to say, but by the time he realized that he had already pushed Ma-Ti away and was in the hallway.
“Oh, Wheeler,” said Linka. “Um.”
“Hi,” said Kwame.
“What he said,” added Gi. “And your ear’s bleeding.”
“Oh, he likes to scratch,” explained Ma-Ti. Wheeler spun around, and Ma-Ti blinked innocently up at him. If he didn’t know better, he would have sworn the little bastard was enjoying this. And he wasn’t so sure he did know better, come to that.
“Oh. That’s…” Linka trailed off.
“Interesting?” Kwame supplied.
“Mm.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds. Wheeler sighed. “I could explain,” he warned them, “but how ‘bout we go with ‘exposed to terrible toxins while trying to help clean up contaminated beach’?”
“That sounds… perfectly reasonable,” Linka said.
“Makes sense to me,” said Gi.
“Hate it when that happens,” said Kwame.
“Well, good.” Another few seconds passed. “Although I suppose this means we need to go back then, huh?”
“Huh.”
And so ends another heart racing adventure. We’d like to return you to the beach for a moment, where the sun is slipping beneath the ocean with one last, long, golden caress. The beach is for some reason empty except for a man with blue skin and green hair. He’s wearing a red Speedo ensemble, and the whole effect is of one who just got off work from a stripper bar where they’re into the kinks.
“Now kids,” he says, even though there’s no one around him. “Always properly dispose of condoms, otherwise you could be responsible for awkward situations between coworkers. Better yet, be eco-friendly and don’t use condoms at all!” He smiles now, and you get the unnerving impression he’s looking at you. But he can’t really be, because you’re not really there, or rather, he’s not, or…
“Remember,” he says, “the power is yours!” He thrusts a fist into the air, and rises away.
Oh yeah. And you know exactly what kind of bar, too.
So what's the verdict? Do I know what I'm talking about or what, huh?
And now, some sleep.
Entirely written after I realized I was too tired to go on with carmarthen's story. Not exactly what you asked for, 0100111. Um, warning, I think.
The sun was just making its way over the hump of noon. Its yellow rays played lazily along the ridges of waves and sand, diffracted into oily colours over sun-blocked arms and offered a little bit extra emphasis to certain aspects of a young Pamula-Anderson-in-training who was running along the shoreline. The beach was littered with young, scantily clad sunbathers bouncing and playing in the cool water, wet bikini tops both clinging and threatening to fall off at the same time… But we should probably divert your attention to a small group of kids doing a rather different sort of picking up.
A few metres away from them a bathing-suit-optional sort of water Frisbee had broken out, but these five had definitely decided that hipwaders were the thing to be in. They were wading along the shoreline, collecting the odd fishing line and pop can that they came across.
After a while one of their number, a gangly redhead named Wheeler who had been staring desperately at a young blond in a pink bikini, groaned in disgust. “I don’t get why we’re doing this!” he said. There was a general consensus of disgusted yet non-surprised glares in his direction, although Ma-Ti, the youngest member of the group, was splashing after a paper bag.
“Look, okay, I get ‘this’ in general. Helping the environment, saving the world, getting the extra bottle deposits… Fine. But why this this?” He gestured vaguely at the sun, the water, the unofficial swimsuit competition. “I mean, the water here tests better than the public swimming pool.”
“That depends if you’re testing the kiddie section,” said Kwame, scooping up a pop bottle that wandered by him.
Gi waded between them both and filled an eyedropper with water. “Think of all the marine animals you’re helping right now,” she told him.
Wheeler glanced back to where the Frisbee had gone out of control and hit the pink bikini girl in the back. One of her shoulder straps had broken. “I’m too busy thinking about the ones I’m not,” he muttered.
“Oh, cheer up,” Linka said. “You’re with friends and doing something worthwhile. This is fun.”
Wheeler watched as she bent down to pick up an empty sunscreen bottle. “You know,” he said. “I think I’d have more fun if you’d change into your bathing suit.”
Linka continued grinning at him, but a moment later a strong gust of wind knocked him backwards into the water. He tried standing up again, but the hipwaders were full of water and he ended up scrabbling for shore.
“Alright,” Wheeler said when they had stopped laughing. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to-”
He was interrupted by Ma-Ti, who had just jumped out of the water holding something long and red and filled with water. “What’s this?” he called. “Some sort of balloon?”
There was a moment of silence.
“You know,” Linka said slowly, “I think I need to be getting back. Um, chores.”
“And, I really need, er, pizza,” Kwame announced. “Right now.”
Gi pointed at the shoreline they’d already cleared. “And I think the dolphins will all stay on that side of the, er, ocean.”
“Hey,” shouted Wheeler. “Wait a minute!” But they had already disappeared down the beach.
There was a noise beside him, and when Wheeler turned Ma-Ti was there, holding up his prize. Wheeler made a strangled sounding gasp and jumped backwards, tripping over his discarded rubber hipwaders.
“And it’s not even metaphorical,” he groused to no one in particular, but probably Ma-Ti. “It’s just a summary.”
Ma-Ti smiled bewilderedly down at him.
*
So Wheeler had gotten out the package of Extra Long, Johns! he had bought from a bathroom dispenser a few months ago and hidden in his sock drawer, and dropped them on his bed next to Ma-Ti. His teammate had studied the package for a few moments and then looked back at Wheeler with such a clueless expression he had been stuck being embarrassed for the both of them. At this point, he couldn’t be sure his hair was still redder than the rest of his head and he didn’t mean that he didn’t mean that he didn’t…
“Well, uh,” began Wheeler. “You know how sometimes you, uh, go to the bathroom?”
“Yes,” said Ma-Ti.
“Um, well, and you know how if you have a few extra minutes, you know how, uh, what you do sometimes?” Wheeler wasn’t sure how that had come out, but at least it sounded better than it had in his he… in his mind.
“Wash my hands?”
“Um, no.” Wheeler scratched at his ear. “Something else.”
Ma-Ti looked at him suspiciously. “Change the toilet paper roll?”
“What?”
“Kwame already gave me the bathroom speech.”
“Um. Not this one.” Wheeler sighed. “Okay, you know how sometimes if you’re thinking about a really hot chick or a b- or, you know, whatever? And your… and your…” He tried to gesture, but Ma-Ti just stared. Wheeler had never been all that great at charades. “Look, aren’t you supposed to be empathic?” he asked desperately. “Don’t you know what I’m thinking?”
“I’m thinking you’re one ring shy of a Captain Planet. Are you all right, Wheeler?”
“Yes! Well, no, obviously.” He scratched at his ear again. “Your penis,” he said, using that strange tone of voice that meant he’d rather be mumbling but really didn’t want to repeat himself. “You know how sometimes it gets…”
He gestured again, but this was an easier concept and Ma-Ti managed to guess. “Bigger?”
“Yes! Um. So, that’s called an erection.”
Ma-Ti considered this. He read the instructions on the back of the condom box again. “Ah,” he said. “I thought perhaps they were building decorations.”
Wheeler, who had considered himself on a roll with that last bit, suddenly had nothing to say but, “Er?” But this is understandable, because he was thinking of the rest of the instructions on the packet, which were of the sort normally found on bathroom condom packs with names like Extra long, Johns! That is to say, if you’re buying them for their intended purpose, the packagers are probably right in assuming that you have the level of experience that requires labelled diagrams.
“You know, I had this dream once,” Ma-Ti was taking advantage of Wheeler’s confusion to say. “I was running through the forest, and then there was this monkey and-”
“I don’t want to know!” Wheeler took a deep breath. “Sorry. I just really really don’t want to know.”
“Oh.” Ma-Ti took out a condom and unwrapped it, glancing at the instructions every couple seconds. He looked at the resulting circle of rubber, and then at Wheeler. Wheeler was most adamantly not empathic, but there are some expressions hardwired into the male brain.
“Well, you have to, um, extend it out,” said Wheeler, sounding insulted.
Ma-Ti shrugged, and then managed it with some creative use of a finger. Wheeler groaned, and then flopped on the bed feeling strangely exhausted. At least the kid wasn’t using his tongue. Not that that was a thought he wanted to keep around.
“Wow,” whispered Ma-Ti, who had managed to get the whole Extra Long! stretched out. He looked down at Wheeler with a new degree of respect.
The door to Wheeler’s room swung open with a squeak and the sound of three people talking at once.
“Hey, are you guys okay?”
“We heard funny noises.”
“…and then I said…”
It occurred to Wheeler, as he looked into the shocked faces of the rest of the Planeteers, that lying on a bed while a twelve year old leans over you holding a condom is not the most auspicious place to be when facing superheroes. Even if your own power could kick their collective asses. Probably.
The door slowly swung shut, and there were some awkward shuffling noises in the hallway.
“Get off,” Wheeler muttered. “Off, off, off.” It was the wrong thing to say, but by the time he realized that he had already pushed Ma-Ti away and was in the hallway.
“Oh, Wheeler,” said Linka. “Um.”
“Hi,” said Kwame.
“What he said,” added Gi. “And your ear’s bleeding.”
“Oh, he likes to scratch,” explained Ma-Ti. Wheeler spun around, and Ma-Ti blinked innocently up at him. If he didn’t know better, he would have sworn the little bastard was enjoying this. And he wasn’t so sure he did know better, come to that.
“Oh. That’s…” Linka trailed off.
“Interesting?” Kwame supplied.
“Mm.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds. Wheeler sighed. “I could explain,” he warned them, “but how ‘bout we go with ‘exposed to terrible toxins while trying to help clean up contaminated beach’?”
“That sounds… perfectly reasonable,” Linka said.
“Makes sense to me,” said Gi.
“Hate it when that happens,” said Kwame.
“Well, good.” Another few seconds passed. “Although I suppose this means we need to go back then, huh?”
“Huh.”
And so ends another heart racing adventure. We’d like to return you to the beach for a moment, where the sun is slipping beneath the ocean with one last, long, golden caress. The beach is for some reason empty except for a man with blue skin and green hair. He’s wearing a red Speedo ensemble, and the whole effect is of one who just got off work from a stripper bar where they’re into the kinks.
“Now kids,” he says, even though there’s no one around him. “Always properly dispose of condoms, otherwise you could be responsible for awkward situations between coworkers. Better yet, be eco-friendly and don’t use condoms at all!” He smiles now, and you get the unnerving impression he’s looking at you. But he can’t really be, because you’re not really there, or rather, he’s not, or…
“Remember,” he says, “the power is yours!” He thrusts a fist into the air, and rises away.
Oh yeah. And you know exactly what kind of bar, too.
So what's the verdict? Do I know what I'm talking about or what, huh?
And now, some sleep.