HOW THE BITCH STOLE COMICS
Thanks to brown_betty and vagabond_sal for auxiliary brain support!
A while ago, there was some back and forth blogging on whether or not fangirls were trying to "steal the sexy" from comics. This struck me as such an absurd image I decided it had to be immortalized. Forever. With poetry.
HOW THE BITCH STOLE COMICS
by odditycollector
with
special thanks to the internets,
and
special apologies to Doctor Seuss.
Every Fan
Down in Fan-ville
Liked Comics a lot...
But the Bitch,
Who lived just North of Fan-ville,
Did NOT!
The Bitch hated Comics!
The whole Comics scene!
'Though nobody knows how she turned out so mean.
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be that, perhaps, she wore panties too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her chest was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
Her ass or her boobs,
She sat there on Tuesday and screamed on the tubes,
Ranting on her blog with a mean, Bitchy rage
At the warm friendly forums on each Comics page.
For she knew every Fan down in Fan-ville below
Was busy now, budgeting money to blow.
"And they're writing their lists now!" she snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Wednesday! It's practically here!"
Then she growled, with her bitch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Comics from coming!"
For, tomorrow, she knew...
...All the little Fan boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to buy toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
As the Fans ran to track down their funny Fan joys!
Then the Fans, young and old, would sit down to read.
And they'd read! And they'd read!
And they'd READ! READ! READ! READ!
They would start then on X-Men and rare A.S.B.
Which the Bitch thought was nothing but turgid debris!
And THEN
Then the part she liked least would begin!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the wide and the thin,
Would sit at their keyboards, connections now piping.
They'd surf to their sites. And the Fans would start typing!
They'd type! And they'd type!
AND they'd type! type! type! type!
And the more the Bitch thought what on Wednesday they’d hype
The more the Bitch thought, "I must stop all this tripe!
"Why, for twenty-two years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop their Comics from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE BITCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Bitch Laughed in her throat.
And she made a few middle-aged man masks and coats.
And she chuckled, and clucked, "I can’t help now but win!
"With these masks and these coats, why! They'll let me right in!"
"All I need is some talent..."
The Bitch had to groan,
For since talent is rare she had none of her own.
Did that stop the old Bitch...?
No! The Bitch simply said,
"If I don’t have talent, I'll fake it instead!"
So she opened her paint set. She gathered some pencils.
She picked up a light box and packed up her stencils.
THEN
She loaded her stuff,
All the costumes and art,
In her P.O.S. car
And she thought where to start.
"First I'll hit up DC,
Then go on with my task!"
So the Bitch went to grab her DiDio face mask...
When the Bitch reached the town, all the windows were dark.
All the Fans were all dreaming of Anthony Stark
When she rolled to a stop in the silent car-park.
"This is stop number one," The old Bitch in drag hissed
And she climbed up the staircase, supplies in her fist.
She was worried a moment when faced with the door
But security there was conveniently poor.
She was lost a few times but then skipped on her way
To the room with the wares to be shipped out that day
Where the four-coloured booklets all lay in a row.
"And porn face," she grinned, "is the first thing to go!"
Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and changed everything present!
Sketches! And posters! Action figures! Shirts!
Statue moulds! Script pages! Mailed adverts!
First she hacked in their files. Then the Bitch, very nicely,
Erased all she didn't approve of precisely!
She moved to the costumes. She coloured them in!
‘Til heroines were covered from knees up to chin.
She redid the issues as quick as The Flash.
Why, that Bitch even covered Mary Marvel's ass!
She fixed Phantom Lady's egregious implants.
"And NOW!" grinned the Bitch, "I’ll give Supergirl pants!"
And the Bitch grabbed their model, she started to pull
When she heard a soft sound like the snort of a bull.
She turned around fast, and she saw a creator!
It was Geoff Johns, still at work ever later.
The Bitch interrupted his efforts at glory;
He'd stayed up to finish a sixteen part story.
He stared at the Bitch, said, "DiDio, but why,
"Why are you undressing Supergirl? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Bitch was so smart and so slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little man," fake DiDio replied,
"There's a fold on her skirt that’s too low on one side.
"So I'm taking it back to my studio, dear.
"I'll hem it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And her fib fooled the writer. She patted his head
And she okayed his script and she sent him to bed.
And when Geoff finally did start to stray,
She bunched up the skirt and she threw it away!
Then the last thing she changed
Was Diana’s attire.
Then she went out the front doors herself, the old liar.
And the last lonely crotch shot
She left in their annals
Was so small it might have as well been off panel.
Then
She traded her man mask
For one of Joe Q
And the Bitch headed down
Toward company two...
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Fans, still a-sleep
All the Fans, still a-snooze
When away she did creep,
Creep away from the Comics! The heroclix sets!
The variant covers! The new statuettes!
Creep all the way home with a grin, satisfied
At the blow she had dealt to the Fandom outside.
"Fooh-Fooh to the Fans!" she was bitch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Comics are coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"They’ll stand in the store for a minute or two
"Then the Fans will run home and they'll all type BOO-HOO!"
"That's a thing," grinned the Bitch,
"That I simply must read!"
So she paused. And the Bitch then refreshed her news feed.
And she did see their words scrolling over the glow.
They started in slow. Then they started to flow...
They panned *and* they praised!
The familiar range!
It couldn't be so!
But yet nothing had changed!
She stared at the ‘Net and the Bitch popped her eyes!
Then she shook!
What she read was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the wide and the thin,
Was blogging! Without any ass shots within!
She HADN'T stopped Comics from coming!
THEY CAME!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!
And the Bitch, knowing all she'd accomplished that night,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How can this be right?
"They're here without panty-clad women on missions!
"They're here without dead girls in sexy positions!"
And she puzzled three hours, `till her puzzler was sore.
Then the Bitch thought of something she hadn't before!
"Maybe Comics," she thought, "aren’t just porn that's softcore.
"Maybe Comics...perhaps...are a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Bitch's small boobs
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute her bra didn't feel quite so loose,
She whizzed down to Fan-ville and offered a truce.
And she bought her own toys! She bought books by the barrow!
And she...
...SHE HERSELF...!
The Bitch went home with Tarot!
A while ago, there was some back and forth blogging on whether or not fangirls were trying to "steal the sexy" from comics. This struck me as such an absurd image I decided it had to be immortalized. Forever. With poetry.
HOW THE BITCH STOLE COMICS
by odditycollector
with
special thanks to the internets,
and
special apologies to Doctor Seuss.
Every Fan
Down in Fan-ville
Liked Comics a lot...
But the Bitch,
Who lived just North of Fan-ville,
Did NOT!
The Bitch hated Comics!
The whole Comics scene!
'Though nobody knows how she turned out so mean.
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be that, perhaps, she wore panties too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that her chest was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
Her ass or her boobs,
She sat there on Tuesday and screamed on the tubes,
Ranting on her blog with a mean, Bitchy rage
At the warm friendly forums on each Comics page.
For she knew every Fan down in Fan-ville below
Was busy now, budgeting money to blow.
"And they're writing their lists now!" she snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Wednesday! It's practically here!"
Then she growled, with her bitch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Comics from coming!"
For, tomorrow, she knew...
...All the little Fan boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to buy toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
As the Fans ran to track down their funny Fan joys!
Then the Fans, young and old, would sit down to read.
And they'd read! And they'd read!
And they'd READ! READ! READ! READ!
They would start then on X-Men and rare A.S.B.
Which the Bitch thought was nothing but turgid debris!
And THEN
Then the part she liked least would begin!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the wide and the thin,
Would sit at their keyboards, connections now piping.
They'd surf to their sites. And the Fans would start typing!
They'd type! And they'd type!
AND they'd type! type! type! type!
And the more the Bitch thought what on Wednesday they’d hype
The more the Bitch thought, "I must stop all this tripe!
"Why, for twenty-two years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop their Comics from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then she got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE BITCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Bitch Laughed in her throat.
And she made a few middle-aged man masks and coats.
And she chuckled, and clucked, "I can’t help now but win!
"With these masks and these coats, why! They'll let me right in!"
"All I need is some talent..."
The Bitch had to groan,
For since talent is rare she had none of her own.
Did that stop the old Bitch...?
No! The Bitch simply said,
"If I don’t have talent, I'll fake it instead!"
So she opened her paint set. She gathered some pencils.
She picked up a light box and packed up her stencils.
THEN
She loaded her stuff,
All the costumes and art,
In her P.O.S. car
And she thought where to start.
"First I'll hit up DC,
Then go on with my task!"
So the Bitch went to grab her DiDio face mask...
When the Bitch reached the town, all the windows were dark.
All the Fans were all dreaming of Anthony Stark
When she rolled to a stop in the silent car-park.
"This is stop number one," The old Bitch in drag hissed
And she climbed up the staircase, supplies in her fist.
She was worried a moment when faced with the door
But security there was conveniently poor.
She was lost a few times but then skipped on her way
To the room with the wares to be shipped out that day
Where the four-coloured booklets all lay in a row.
"And porn face," she grinned, "is the first thing to go!"
Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and changed everything present!
Sketches! And posters! Action figures! Shirts!
Statue moulds! Script pages! Mailed adverts!
First she hacked in their files. Then the Bitch, very nicely,
Erased all she didn't approve of precisely!
She moved to the costumes. She coloured them in!
‘Til heroines were covered from knees up to chin.
She redid the issues as quick as The Flash.
Why, that Bitch even covered Mary Marvel's ass!
She fixed Phantom Lady's egregious implants.
"And NOW!" grinned the Bitch, "I’ll give Supergirl pants!"
And the Bitch grabbed their model, she started to pull
When she heard a soft sound like the snort of a bull.
She turned around fast, and she saw a creator!
It was Geoff Johns, still at work ever later.
The Bitch interrupted his efforts at glory;
He'd stayed up to finish a sixteen part story.
He stared at the Bitch, said, "DiDio, but why,
"Why are you undressing Supergirl? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Bitch was so smart and so slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little man," fake DiDio replied,
"There's a fold on her skirt that’s too low on one side.
"So I'm taking it back to my studio, dear.
"I'll hem it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And her fib fooled the writer. She patted his head
And she okayed his script and she sent him to bed.
And when Geoff finally did start to stray,
She bunched up the skirt and she threw it away!
Then the last thing she changed
Was Diana’s attire.
Then she went out the front doors herself, the old liar.
And the last lonely crotch shot
She left in their annals
Was so small it might have as well been off panel.
Then
She traded her man mask
For one of Joe Q
And the Bitch headed down
Toward company two...
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Fans, still a-sleep
All the Fans, still a-snooze
When away she did creep,
Creep away from the Comics! The heroclix sets!
The variant covers! The new statuettes!
Creep all the way home with a grin, satisfied
At the blow she had dealt to the Fandom outside.
"Fooh-Fooh to the Fans!" she was bitch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Comics are coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"They’ll stand in the store for a minute or two
"Then the Fans will run home and they'll all type BOO-HOO!"
"That's a thing," grinned the Bitch,
"That I simply must read!"
So she paused. And the Bitch then refreshed her news feed.
And she did see their words scrolling over the glow.
They started in slow. Then they started to flow...
They panned *and* they praised!
The familiar range!
It couldn't be so!
But yet nothing had changed!
She stared at the ‘Net and the Bitch popped her eyes!
Then she shook!
What she read was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the wide and the thin,
Was blogging! Without any ass shots within!
She HADN'T stopped Comics from coming!
THEY CAME!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!
And the Bitch, knowing all she'd accomplished that night,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How can this be right?
"They're here without panty-clad women on missions!
"They're here without dead girls in sexy positions!"
And she puzzled three hours, `till her puzzler was sore.
Then the Bitch thought of something she hadn't before!
"Maybe Comics," she thought, "aren’t just porn that's softcore.
"Maybe Comics...perhaps...are a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Bitch's small boobs
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute her bra didn't feel quite so loose,
She whizzed down to Fan-ville and offered a truce.
And she bought her own toys! She bought books by the barrow!
And she...
...SHE HERSELF...!
The Bitch went home with Tarot!