Is this courage? I'm not sure.
"It's stunning to know I've survived
But I'm not sure what I'm fighting for anymore
And when I break another string
And continue to sing
Is that courage? I'm not sure."
That's a suitable recap of the past year.
Getting out of grad school and over so many addictions was incredible, but now what the fuck is my life? I'm still out here caterwauling, screaming into the void, and it's getting me nowhere. This isn't courage and this isn't a real life. I don't know what else this could be other than survival.
This month I'll be 25, so I guess it's time for a quarterlife crisis.
It's frustrating but it makes sense. I have everything I've ever wanted except a decent career. My work brings me to tears, rips at my health, makes me sick and sad. I had a promising interview last month but that's it. I'd do almost anything to get out of here. It's a hostile environment with idiot supervisors and unethical tasks. Next month it will be a year.
There's so much more to say, but it's all depressing.
Instead, let me just remind myself how happy I would be if I could forget about my job: I have awesome relationships with the most amazing people in the whole world. However useless of an endeavor it might have been, I dragged myself through grad school and I do have a master's degree. My cats are pretty great and I do creative things occasionally. Living with my boyfriend/best friend/life partner is one of the nicest things I've ever had the chance to do. I mentor this awesome thirteen-year-old once a week and make a concerted effort to donate to causes I believe in, despite my teensy salary. Even with that teensy salary, I'm debt-free and living within my means, and I occasionally treat myself to really nice (but wholly unnecessary) things.
I just have to get a new job or quit this one.
But I'm not sure what I'm fighting for anymore
And when I break another string
And continue to sing
Is that courage? I'm not sure."
That's a suitable recap of the past year.
Getting out of grad school and over so many addictions was incredible, but now what the fuck is my life? I'm still out here caterwauling, screaming into the void, and it's getting me nowhere. This isn't courage and this isn't a real life. I don't know what else this could be other than survival.
This month I'll be 25, so I guess it's time for a quarterlife crisis.
It's frustrating but it makes sense. I have everything I've ever wanted except a decent career. My work brings me to tears, rips at my health, makes me sick and sad. I had a promising interview last month but that's it. I'd do almost anything to get out of here. It's a hostile environment with idiot supervisors and unethical tasks. Next month it will be a year.
There's so much more to say, but it's all depressing.
Instead, let me just remind myself how happy I would be if I could forget about my job: I have awesome relationships with the most amazing people in the whole world. However useless of an endeavor it might have been, I dragged myself through grad school and I do have a master's degree. My cats are pretty great and I do creative things occasionally. Living with my boyfriend/best friend/life partner is one of the nicest things I've ever had the chance to do. I mentor this awesome thirteen-year-old once a week and make a concerted effort to donate to causes I believe in, despite my teensy salary. Even with that teensy salary, I'm debt-free and living within my means, and I occasionally treat myself to really nice (but wholly unnecessary) things.
I just have to get a new job or quit this one.