(Untitled)
GET BACKERS!!!!!!!
Uh, I have spent the last few days just laying in my room watching anime, which I can say with complete confidence I have NOT done since like...high school? Unless you count Jade and I watching all manner of BL stuff during our first couple of years at UGA.
MEEEEEEEEMORIES~My morning melancholy is still sucking ( Read more... )
Uh, I have spent the last few days just laying in my room watching anime, which I can say with complete confidence I have NOT done since like...high school? Unless you count Jade and I watching all manner of BL stuff during our first couple of years at UGA.
MEEEEEEEEMORIES~My morning melancholy is still sucking ( Read more... )
Anyway, it's kawaisou that Allison and Madison are missing you, but it's not like you're going to be gone forever. It'll be OK. Besides, as tough as it may be, it's good that the girls and Steph will have to do without you for awhile. Otherwise they'll get dependent on you and never grow up themselves. Not that it doesn't suck, but at least it's a suck with a healthy outcome... for both of you. You need to learn to be your own person, and they need to learn to be theirs.
Also the morning melancholy sucks and it will keep sucking for quite awhile. Usually it stops sucking about the time everything starts to feel routine. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. You will sit and think that you're an idiot for coming to Japan, you have no place here, no reason to be here, you're worthless and inadequate, it's too hard, you're going to let everyone else and yourself down, you're a failure, you've lost your purpose in life and you don't know what to to reach for next, you don't know what to do or where to go from here... and most importantly, you will think "I fucking hate this place and I wanna go home. What have I done?!" The depression I felt was only 1/2 - 3/4 that bad at first. But when my dad and brother came to visit in May and then left...?
I sobbed EVERY SINGLE DAY afterward. I felt all of that and more ("What the fuck was I thinking re-contracting??") I was hopeless, lonely, miserable, and depressed. I couldn't imagine staying here for another entire YEAR all by myself with almost no friends, no one to talk to, and a job I know I don't want to make into a career. I hated everything and everyone. It took every ounce of energy just to crawl out of bed in the mornings and go to work. It took everything in me and more not to snap at people when they so much as spoke to me.
The solution? You guessed it... just ignore it. You just have to keep forcing yourself to get up and do it anyway. The only way that's possible is if you understand that you will eventually stop feeling that way. Be hopeful of that, at least. Eventually, things will start to feel right and OK again. It is hard and a pain in the ass for sure... but if you keep at it, you'll start to see the rewards, too.
Besides, we'll at least be able to spill our guts to each other now. And now we have someone else we can trust that knows exactly what we're going through. So at least try to remember through it all that I love you and I'm here for you <3
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I think a lot of what I've been feeling is a general "I don't know what I'm trying to do right now." which I am sure is partly because of the general all at once shock of moving.
In lighter thoughts. I don't know exactly WHEN I'm going to go get my phone, but it will certainly be within the week. I just need a time when someone else can go with me because I know my Japanese is not good enough alone to get through all the paperwork shit -_-;;
GAH, I need a bank account too @_@
Mostly though, I'm just trying to make plans with people to go DO stuff and in general not sit in my room alone. I have discovered that doing that just lets me think...a lot. Mostly about Mommy and Stanley which is totally the LAST thing I need right now......
As much as I look forward (already) to being able to visit home/have someone from home visit me, I'm a little afraid after this reaction. Like, will it be good for me or will it just launch me back to this point?
I really am looking forward to being able to just call you once I get my phone though o.o
also kinda random, but HOLY SHIT this apartment is difficult to....arrange D8
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