(no subject)
i was waiting for a phonecall between naps, then my mom called. she hadn't said a word when i knew something was wrong
"your father was in an accident...the skidder rolled and he had to jump out. he fractured his knee and had a collapsed lung but he's okay. he's going in for surgery tonight..."
i don't remember if this is exactly what she said but it doesn't matter. i started crying when i tried to tell her he's going to be okay. she knew. we both knew, we're just easy cryers.
i always knew if i was going to lose him it would be something like this. just a call out of the blue, an ordinary day. then 500 miles away everything changes and there's nothing i can do but take a breath a believe he's going to be okay, then go on with my life. I know that's what he would want. that's what i always loved about my dad, he taught me to be unselfish. every single day he went to work out there doing things most people don't have any concept of for us. so we would never have to worry about being hungry or paying a bill. we were never rich but dad made sure we were never poor. that was his burden and he wore it like the glasses he's worn since he was 4. he wanted to make sure everything he did helped us and himself. that his problems effected him an left us alone.
i want to do something. i want to drive back home and see him. i want him to tell me he's going to be okay, but i don't know if he would want that. i think he'd want me to go on with my life and just knowing my love and thoughts are with him is enough. he never wanted to impose or intrude, to have my life stop because of his. at least i hope not. i hate to think about it this way because i feel so selfish, staying here in my little bubble at usc while he goes through one of the hardest transitions in his life. so i guess i'll just keep going on...
i haven't told anyone yet. i guess i've been trying to spend time forgetting so i can get my stuff done. at least now i have a good reason to work, because mom isn't going to have the money anymore. now it's up to me.
maybe i can find a nice job around home so i can help them out while i get my bills paid back and all that. one things for sure, i've got to make a budget and stick to it from now on. i really can't fuck around anymore, i've got to do it for dad. for all the things he's given me.
this is my burden as i have chosen it and mine to bear alone.
"your father was in an accident...the skidder rolled and he had to jump out. he fractured his knee and had a collapsed lung but he's okay. he's going in for surgery tonight..."
i don't remember if this is exactly what she said but it doesn't matter. i started crying when i tried to tell her he's going to be okay. she knew. we both knew, we're just easy cryers.
i always knew if i was going to lose him it would be something like this. just a call out of the blue, an ordinary day. then 500 miles away everything changes and there's nothing i can do but take a breath a believe he's going to be okay, then go on with my life. I know that's what he would want. that's what i always loved about my dad, he taught me to be unselfish. every single day he went to work out there doing things most people don't have any concept of for us. so we would never have to worry about being hungry or paying a bill. we were never rich but dad made sure we were never poor. that was his burden and he wore it like the glasses he's worn since he was 4. he wanted to make sure everything he did helped us and himself. that his problems effected him an left us alone.
i want to do something. i want to drive back home and see him. i want him to tell me he's going to be okay, but i don't know if he would want that. i think he'd want me to go on with my life and just knowing my love and thoughts are with him is enough. he never wanted to impose or intrude, to have my life stop because of his. at least i hope not. i hate to think about it this way because i feel so selfish, staying here in my little bubble at usc while he goes through one of the hardest transitions in his life. so i guess i'll just keep going on...
i haven't told anyone yet. i guess i've been trying to spend time forgetting so i can get my stuff done. at least now i have a good reason to work, because mom isn't going to have the money anymore. now it's up to me.
maybe i can find a nice job around home so i can help them out while i get my bills paid back and all that. one things for sure, i've got to make a budget and stick to it from now on. i really can't fuck around anymore, i've got to do it for dad. for all the things he's given me.
this is my burden as i have chosen it and mine to bear alone.