A letter to an ex
Well, I haven't posted here for a couple of years and not even logged in in probably over a year, but wanted to share something, which wasn't really suitable for Facebook, which is where I mainly interact with people online. I don't know why I want to put it here. Just so I'm not keeping it to myself, I suppose.
Some context. When I was 16-17 I was in a very puppy-love-ish relationship with a lovely girl called Karen, who went on to develop Leukaemia. She had a bone marrow transplant and was, I think, cured, but her parents stopped me seeing her and told her all sorts of things about me, but the problem basically boiled down to them wanting to face the illness with a stiff upper lip and pretend it wasn't serious and them telling me how to act. It's understandable for a family to close ranks, but I went a bit nuts. Not seriously badly nuts to the extent I did anything especially wrong, and I don't know the exact details, but I'm sure her father said I'd acted disgracefully or something. Even before this he was a borderline alcoholic, in a very closeted and hypocritical way, I thought, and he was able to keep his stiff upper lip up through drinking and yeah, I had a big problem with that, when the fact I just showed emotion was seen as a very bad thing.
It's haunted me since that I've had no contact, except snippets of news from mutual friends, and from time to time I've tried to contact her brother - who also didn't like me much back then anyway - but had no reply and they seemed to have moved from where I'd known them to live before. Her mother has a name that's French and is fairly distinctive, so I found her parents' new address and have sent a letter to that address, in the hope that the treatment was fully successful, and the illness didn't recur.
I have a feeling that as my mother knew someone who also knew Karen's parents, that she may have asked how things were, but if she had died, wouldn't have told me, as she assumed that ignorance was bliss. I don't talk about it now with my mother and don't want to open that as a can of worms.
If we'd just gone our separate ways, I'd probably never think about her any more, but as things went, I think about her every day. Not in an obsessive way, but not knowing, and still feeling unfairly blamed for not acting a certain way, is pretty difficult to deal with, even now.
Anyway, here's the letter:
Dear Karen,
Well, it’s been a very long time. This is Alistair, by the way, to save you skipping to the end. It’s been nearly 20 years since we were last in touch, but I still think about you and wonder how you are and it really bothers me that I don’t know.
I’m writing to ask you to get in touch to let me know how you are. I’m still haunted by seeing you as you were when you were so ill and think about it a lot, and wanted to hear that you were now healthy and happy and okay. I’m not asking to be in regular contact again or for anything more, but I hope that you can just let me know that you got better and have had a happy life since then, so I can stop thinking about you only being so ill.
I’ve tried to find out without bothering you, by getting in touch with friends and your brother, but I’m not sure if I’ve got through to the right addresses. I found this address by searching online for your mother’s name, as it’s fairly unusual and this one came up, your father’s name matched the address too, so I hope that this letter reaches you okay.
Last I heard of you was from Debbie Maltby, that you were getting married and had met her at a wedding fair. I really hope that this went well and brought you happiness.
I’d like to apologise for how I was back when you were ill. I hope you can understand how I felt and well, I was young then and immature and really didn’t know what to do, and was very scared for you, but also had massive pressures on me from school and trying to make a future for myself in terms of going to university and finding a career. It’s pointless to say that I’m sure it all affected you far more than me, as that’s obvious, but it did change my life and I never really got on the track I wanted to be on afterwards as it sent me into a big spiral of depression through my university years and when I was trying to start a career, so I didn’t really achieve what I should have.
I did get married five years ago and have a wonderful son, Zachary (or Zacky), who’s now five, and a daughter, Meredith (or Merry) who’s now three, but the marriage didn’t work out, and I’m heading towards a divorce and I’m back living at my parents’ place. I’m very sad about this and am trying to figure out things I’ve got wrong and try to put them right, so that’s one other reason I’m writing to apologise again to you now and in the hope that I can get some peace of mind knowing you’re okay and are now happy and take responsibility for moving on and getting on the right track again.
So, really, I’m just asking that you get in touch by email or writing to me and letting me know how you’re getting on. It would mean a lot to me, and unless further contact was something that you wanted, I’d not trouble you any more.
So, as I said, I hope you’re happy and healthy and everything has improved since I last saw you.
I really hope you do get in touch - the easiest way is probably email - xxxxxx@x or my parent’s address at xxxxxxxxxxxx, xxxxxxx, xxxx
Either way - again, sorry for not getting it right back then.
Alistair
Some context. When I was 16-17 I was in a very puppy-love-ish relationship with a lovely girl called Karen, who went on to develop Leukaemia. She had a bone marrow transplant and was, I think, cured, but her parents stopped me seeing her and told her all sorts of things about me, but the problem basically boiled down to them wanting to face the illness with a stiff upper lip and pretend it wasn't serious and them telling me how to act. It's understandable for a family to close ranks, but I went a bit nuts. Not seriously badly nuts to the extent I did anything especially wrong, and I don't know the exact details, but I'm sure her father said I'd acted disgracefully or something. Even before this he was a borderline alcoholic, in a very closeted and hypocritical way, I thought, and he was able to keep his stiff upper lip up through drinking and yeah, I had a big problem with that, when the fact I just showed emotion was seen as a very bad thing.
It's haunted me since that I've had no contact, except snippets of news from mutual friends, and from time to time I've tried to contact her brother - who also didn't like me much back then anyway - but had no reply and they seemed to have moved from where I'd known them to live before. Her mother has a name that's French and is fairly distinctive, so I found her parents' new address and have sent a letter to that address, in the hope that the treatment was fully successful, and the illness didn't recur.
I have a feeling that as my mother knew someone who also knew Karen's parents, that she may have asked how things were, but if she had died, wouldn't have told me, as she assumed that ignorance was bliss. I don't talk about it now with my mother and don't want to open that as a can of worms.
If we'd just gone our separate ways, I'd probably never think about her any more, but as things went, I think about her every day. Not in an obsessive way, but not knowing, and still feeling unfairly blamed for not acting a certain way, is pretty difficult to deal with, even now.
Anyway, here's the letter:
Dear Karen,
Well, it’s been a very long time. This is Alistair, by the way, to save you skipping to the end. It’s been nearly 20 years since we were last in touch, but I still think about you and wonder how you are and it really bothers me that I don’t know.
I’m writing to ask you to get in touch to let me know how you are. I’m still haunted by seeing you as you were when you were so ill and think about it a lot, and wanted to hear that you were now healthy and happy and okay. I’m not asking to be in regular contact again or for anything more, but I hope that you can just let me know that you got better and have had a happy life since then, so I can stop thinking about you only being so ill.
I’ve tried to find out without bothering you, by getting in touch with friends and your brother, but I’m not sure if I’ve got through to the right addresses. I found this address by searching online for your mother’s name, as it’s fairly unusual and this one came up, your father’s name matched the address too, so I hope that this letter reaches you okay.
Last I heard of you was from Debbie Maltby, that you were getting married and had met her at a wedding fair. I really hope that this went well and brought you happiness.
I’d like to apologise for how I was back when you were ill. I hope you can understand how I felt and well, I was young then and immature and really didn’t know what to do, and was very scared for you, but also had massive pressures on me from school and trying to make a future for myself in terms of going to university and finding a career. It’s pointless to say that I’m sure it all affected you far more than me, as that’s obvious, but it did change my life and I never really got on the track I wanted to be on afterwards as it sent me into a big spiral of depression through my university years and when I was trying to start a career, so I didn’t really achieve what I should have.
I did get married five years ago and have a wonderful son, Zachary (or Zacky), who’s now five, and a daughter, Meredith (or Merry) who’s now three, but the marriage didn’t work out, and I’m heading towards a divorce and I’m back living at my parents’ place. I’m very sad about this and am trying to figure out things I’ve got wrong and try to put them right, so that’s one other reason I’m writing to apologise again to you now and in the hope that I can get some peace of mind knowing you’re okay and are now happy and take responsibility for moving on and getting on the right track again.
So, really, I’m just asking that you get in touch by email or writing to me and letting me know how you’re getting on. It would mean a lot to me, and unless further contact was something that you wanted, I’d not trouble you any more.
So, as I said, I hope you’re happy and healthy and everything has improved since I last saw you.
I really hope you do get in touch - the easiest way is probably email - xxxxxx@x or my parent’s address at xxxxxxxxxxxx, xxxxxxx, xxxx
Either way - again, sorry for not getting it right back then.
Alistair