Saga of the Wedding...Part Drop A Deuce
I can once again feel my eyebrows...which is a good thing. The Wednesday before the wedding I had them waxed by a tiny asian dominatrix who used lava and pinecone strips. The angry red, swollen aftermath made me look like a cavewoman who went bobbing for fries at the local McDonald's. I also got a "relaxing" massage (my first ever) that same day by a different, yet equally evil lady. The massage felt wonderful during the process, but afterward I was so very sore that I could hardly stand up straight. This completed the neanderthal look nicely. Once the swelling and pain and whatnot subsided there was wedding/after wedding party which numbed me from my hair to my toenails...
The next morning (Wedding day!!!) we were to rise early, get dressed, and meet at my stylist's salon at 11:30 for updos and squeeing in general with the girls. My daughter would be dropped off by my stepmom, the flower girl and her mom would meet us up there, as would the MOH. After that we were to report to Kiroli park to take pre-wedding pictures with the fabulous photographer at 1:30, perhaps walk through the ceremony, and kick this shindig in the ass. Party to follow. It was all planned out with leisurely denial.
Here's what actually happened: After staying up until 2 am or so having a great time with hewet_ka_ptah, I arose around....uh....11 am maybe. Deb hopped in the shower, got dressed in her gown, and was beautiful. I hopped in the shower after and threw on some old clothes. During this process, Joe announced that I needed to drive him fifteen minutes away to his people's hotel room. My love-fu is strong and I did not kill him on the spot, though I did give thought to how an insanity defense would be completely doable. I get a call from MOH-extrodinaire telling me she was going to be late because she had to pick up contacts at the mall.... Joe has no idea how Melissa saved his life. His family was staying at a hotel RIGHT BY THE MALL! She wasn't having her hair done as she had already put it up and looked great, so didn't have to be at the salon at all except for general girling around and make up. So she swung by, picked up Joe, and was off while I drove like a bat out of hell with a wet head and my Deb to the salon.
As I was on two wheels rounding a corner, my cable company called as they sometimes do to chit chat about my service. I answered, "I am going to my wedding and do NOT have time to talk right now. Thank you. Goodbye." and promptly hung up on some lady asking about upgrading my plan. I have no idea why this is pertinent to the story other than the fact that they are really annoying. They only seem to call when I am on the toilet or late for something.
My daughter was waiting as my stepmom and my father are kindred spirits in time management. (I was once left home from vacation in high school because I arrived home two minutes late.) She was not dressed, but had at least thought to bring the damn thing with her. She went in the chair first as Deb and I chatted with Stormie, stylist vundabar and perky sunshine girl. Robin, who was reading at the wedding and mother of the most adorable and serious flower girl on the planet, arrived soon after. Robin begain curling sweet Lydia's hair and putting in her tiara (Lydia's fee. This was not her first rodeo and, dammit, she's a PROFESSIONAL!) One could not breathe for all the hair spray in the air from the do's being done...
Melissa soon showed and began scrambling to do her face, but, having two teenaged girls in her house, was missing much of her make up. Between all the women that was soon recitified and she was stunning in no time. It was then time for my darling child to take off her shirt....over Texas sized hair. This is when I noticed the hot pink poka dotted bra. Now why in the hell would someone wear something like that knowing that these dresses are thin and somewhat see-through??? Again, I am a master of discipline in love-fu and she did not die....though I did give more thought to that insanity defense. She had the foresight to bring a camisole top that helped cover the poka dots, however. I jumped in the chair and Stormie, bless her, tried to do what she could to tease, taunt, and harass the three hairs on my head into something pretty.
At this point, I looked at the time and realized I had all of thirty minutes to put on make up, get dressed, grab the final things that needed to go to the wedding for set up, etc. I quickly paid and left EVERYONE to drive...more panicked badger out of hell this time...to the apartment while Deb got her hair did. Melissa, whom is now my heroine, brought everyone back to the apartment once that was done and the bridesmaids put on their dresses while I battled a girdle like a wounded gladiator. I fell once. And you can just stop laughing. As I got it on, I hear "Ya'll...look at THESE granny panties!" and yelled out how mine were more grannied and upstairs came Melissa to verify....because that shit's important! (It was a tie) Finally, with make up on and fully dressed, I fly downstairs and I see my loves in their dresses. Waterworks threaten. Deb and Melissa were, of course, godesses, but my baby....my sweet little baby...was stunning....breathtaking....grown up. It was a moment and I'll always, always remember it most about the day.
We load up the stereo with the music and the personalized M&M favors ("Joe & Heather" and "Always & Forever" written on them, wrapped in tule, and tied with a "thank you" charm....all 80 fucking million of them.) that we had all helped to put together over the past month and off to the park!
The weather was perfect. Sunny, mid-70's, windy.... Joe, who is a walking valium because he's so laid back, had only two requests when it came to the wedding: That it be outside and near water. The water sparkled, the outdoor amphitheater was almost finished in set up, the caterer (that I will not mention ever again after this post) was setting up the food with his assistant, and...of course....my father and stepmother were already there waiting with the photographer and her crew.
Photo's were taken of every possible combination of family, friends, and wedding party. The girls threw gang signs (because middle aged white women are TOTALLY gangsta), Joe and his mother were told to actually smile a million times, and my brother's partner was forced to take a family picture with us. During this time, the curtains and piping that was to be the backdrop behind the wedding fell over and an executive decision was made to just put them away. A quick discussion about how we were walking down the "isle", order, and who was manning the stereo and folks started arriving.
I had chosen "Love is All You Need" covered by an R&B artist I can't remember off hand for the bridesmaids to walk to and "Love Me Tender" by David Archuletta for my father I to walk to and "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascall Flatts for the recessional. Somehow that all got mixed up and we all walked to the first one.
Deb and Joe took their places....Deb, serene and wonderful, and Joe, a bit stiff and nervous. First out was my brother and my daughter....looking so handsome and lovely. Then Melissa and Joe's best man/Nephew, Sean....also looking perfect. Lydia made her way behind them, throwing rose petals at JUST the right spots and, in her very serious, adorable, professional manner, made her way to Melissa and Bree. Finally it was time for me to walk with my dad. I could not stop smiling. Dad and I both fought back tears as we walked the long dock. "Alright, Bird. Here we go!" and "Can't back out now!" I bitch about my family a lot, but honestly, my dad has always been my number one and whom EVERYONE is measured by.
Deb's ceremony was absolutely everything I ever dreamed of and I couldn't imagine anyone doing it better. She began the ceremony with wide eyes and "OMG. I am going cry!" and then composed herself like a pro and moved on smoothly. My father gave me away, I took Joe's hand, and listened as Deb took control and I fought back tears at how beautiful her words were. When it came time for the usual objections, she told people we didn't want to hear it...and that got a chuckle from the smallish crowd. She spoke of what marriage was, what love was, and at that moment I felt I had never heard anything as profound as what she was saying.
After the vows, Robin got up and read an excert from "The Velveteen Rabbit" (my favorite childhood story) concerning how one becomes real between the rabbit and the skinhorse. Makes me cry every time I read it, but I held it together...until Robin turned around and wished us well as we "become more real to one another". She did such a good job and when she did that I came so close to losing it. It's one thing to know your friends love you, it's quite another for them to show you how much. And she and Melissa had been showing me for weeks. I am so honored and so blessed.
Before Deb could continue, a plane flew low over us, so we had time to compose ourselves...really it was like she had planned it. Joe and I exchanged rings, kissed (church kiss, not slutty tongue kiss), and Deb introduced us. Joe and I walked back to the dock area for a moment to ourselves and then joined the reception.
...which I will discuss in Part Three: Reception and After Party. Same bat time, same bat channel!
The next morning (Wedding day!!!) we were to rise early, get dressed, and meet at my stylist's salon at 11:30 for updos and squeeing in general with the girls. My daughter would be dropped off by my stepmom, the flower girl and her mom would meet us up there, as would the MOH. After that we were to report to Kiroli park to take pre-wedding pictures with the fabulous photographer at 1:30, perhaps walk through the ceremony, and kick this shindig in the ass. Party to follow. It was all planned out with leisurely denial.
Here's what actually happened: After staying up until 2 am or so having a great time with hewet_ka_ptah, I arose around....uh....11 am maybe. Deb hopped in the shower, got dressed in her gown, and was beautiful. I hopped in the shower after and threw on some old clothes. During this process, Joe announced that I needed to drive him fifteen minutes away to his people's hotel room. My love-fu is strong and I did not kill him on the spot, though I did give thought to how an insanity defense would be completely doable. I get a call from MOH-extrodinaire telling me she was going to be late because she had to pick up contacts at the mall.... Joe has no idea how Melissa saved his life. His family was staying at a hotel RIGHT BY THE MALL! She wasn't having her hair done as she had already put it up and looked great, so didn't have to be at the salon at all except for general girling around and make up. So she swung by, picked up Joe, and was off while I drove like a bat out of hell with a wet head and my Deb to the salon.
As I was on two wheels rounding a corner, my cable company called as they sometimes do to chit chat about my service. I answered, "I am going to my wedding and do NOT have time to talk right now. Thank you. Goodbye." and promptly hung up on some lady asking about upgrading my plan. I have no idea why this is pertinent to the story other than the fact that they are really annoying. They only seem to call when I am on the toilet or late for something.
My daughter was waiting as my stepmom and my father are kindred spirits in time management. (I was once left home from vacation in high school because I arrived home two minutes late.) She was not dressed, but had at least thought to bring the damn thing with her. She went in the chair first as Deb and I chatted with Stormie, stylist vundabar and perky sunshine girl. Robin, who was reading at the wedding and mother of the most adorable and serious flower girl on the planet, arrived soon after. Robin begain curling sweet Lydia's hair and putting in her tiara (Lydia's fee. This was not her first rodeo and, dammit, she's a PROFESSIONAL!) One could not breathe for all the hair spray in the air from the do's being done...
Melissa soon showed and began scrambling to do her face, but, having two teenaged girls in her house, was missing much of her make up. Between all the women that was soon recitified and she was stunning in no time. It was then time for my darling child to take off her shirt....over Texas sized hair. This is when I noticed the hot pink poka dotted bra. Now why in the hell would someone wear something like that knowing that these dresses are thin and somewhat see-through??? Again, I am a master of discipline in love-fu and she did not die....though I did give more thought to that insanity defense. She had the foresight to bring a camisole top that helped cover the poka dots, however. I jumped in the chair and Stormie, bless her, tried to do what she could to tease, taunt, and harass the three hairs on my head into something pretty.
At this point, I looked at the time and realized I had all of thirty minutes to put on make up, get dressed, grab the final things that needed to go to the wedding for set up, etc. I quickly paid and left EVERYONE to drive...more panicked badger out of hell this time...to the apartment while Deb got her hair did. Melissa, whom is now my heroine, brought everyone back to the apartment once that was done and the bridesmaids put on their dresses while I battled a girdle like a wounded gladiator. I fell once. And you can just stop laughing. As I got it on, I hear "Ya'll...look at THESE granny panties!" and yelled out how mine were more grannied and upstairs came Melissa to verify....because that shit's important! (It was a tie) Finally, with make up on and fully dressed, I fly downstairs and I see my loves in their dresses. Waterworks threaten. Deb and Melissa were, of course, godesses, but my baby....my sweet little baby...was stunning....breathtaking....grown up. It was a moment and I'll always, always remember it most about the day.
We load up the stereo with the music and the personalized M&M favors ("Joe & Heather" and "Always & Forever" written on them, wrapped in tule, and tied with a "thank you" charm....all 80 fucking million of them.) that we had all helped to put together over the past month and off to the park!
The weather was perfect. Sunny, mid-70's, windy.... Joe, who is a walking valium because he's so laid back, had only two requests when it came to the wedding: That it be outside and near water. The water sparkled, the outdoor amphitheater was almost finished in set up, the caterer (that I will not mention ever again after this post) was setting up the food with his assistant, and...of course....my father and stepmother were already there waiting with the photographer and her crew.
Photo's were taken of every possible combination of family, friends, and wedding party. The girls threw gang signs (because middle aged white women are TOTALLY gangsta), Joe and his mother were told to actually smile a million times, and my brother's partner was forced to take a family picture with us. During this time, the curtains and piping that was to be the backdrop behind the wedding fell over and an executive decision was made to just put them away. A quick discussion about how we were walking down the "isle", order, and who was manning the stereo and folks started arriving.
I had chosen "Love is All You Need" covered by an R&B artist I can't remember off hand for the bridesmaids to walk to and "Love Me Tender" by David Archuletta for my father I to walk to and "Bless the Broken Road" by Rascall Flatts for the recessional. Somehow that all got mixed up and we all walked to the first one.
Deb and Joe took their places....Deb, serene and wonderful, and Joe, a bit stiff and nervous. First out was my brother and my daughter....looking so handsome and lovely. Then Melissa and Joe's best man/Nephew, Sean....also looking perfect. Lydia made her way behind them, throwing rose petals at JUST the right spots and, in her very serious, adorable, professional manner, made her way to Melissa and Bree. Finally it was time for me to walk with my dad. I could not stop smiling. Dad and I both fought back tears as we walked the long dock. "Alright, Bird. Here we go!" and "Can't back out now!" I bitch about my family a lot, but honestly, my dad has always been my number one and whom EVERYONE is measured by.
Deb's ceremony was absolutely everything I ever dreamed of and I couldn't imagine anyone doing it better. She began the ceremony with wide eyes and "OMG. I am going cry!" and then composed herself like a pro and moved on smoothly. My father gave me away, I took Joe's hand, and listened as Deb took control and I fought back tears at how beautiful her words were. When it came time for the usual objections, she told people we didn't want to hear it...and that got a chuckle from the smallish crowd. She spoke of what marriage was, what love was, and at that moment I felt I had never heard anything as profound as what she was saying.
After the vows, Robin got up and read an excert from "The Velveteen Rabbit" (my favorite childhood story) concerning how one becomes real between the rabbit and the skinhorse. Makes me cry every time I read it, but I held it together...until Robin turned around and wished us well as we "become more real to one another". She did such a good job and when she did that I came so close to losing it. It's one thing to know your friends love you, it's quite another for them to show you how much. And she and Melissa had been showing me for weeks. I am so honored and so blessed.
Before Deb could continue, a plane flew low over us, so we had time to compose ourselves...really it was like she had planned it. Joe and I exchanged rings, kissed (church kiss, not slutty tongue kiss), and Deb introduced us. Joe and I walked back to the dock area for a moment to ourselves and then joined the reception.
...which I will discuss in Part Three: Reception and After Party. Same bat time, same bat channel!