The newness slowly fades
I live a new life now. I have new friends, I have a new lovelife, I have a new relationship with my family, I have a new job, a new car, a new church family, a new apartment, a new lifestyle.
Only a few things and people from my past remain. I only have one good friend from high school, April. I only have a few good friends left from Tuscaloosa - mainly Jordan and Carla are the ones I keep up with on a consistent basis. Not to forget Jake, of course.
It took my life nearly coming to an end to get to this new life, but I love it. I really do. And I really feel like I wouldn't be here had I not been through hell over the past year - with my health, with life, with everything.
I am not ashamed anymore of my illness(es) or afraid to talk about the things I have experienced. Most of you who have read this journal in the past know that I have had suffered with self mutilation, and it is my prayer that I can use my experiences to help others. Self mutilation is something that takes special people to understand. Not everyone can fathom what it is like to suffer from such a horrible and terrifying illness, and some people may have attributed the mood swings I went through during that time to my own personality. However, I can guarantee that (especially now that I am on medication) my personality is just fine. I lost many friends during my bought with depression and self mutilation. (FYI: I haven't had an "episode" in quite a while, I'm proud to say!)
I have never actually attempted to end my life, but there have been innumerable accounts where those I loved were concerned I would go that far. Those are the people who held me in my weakest moments and helped me build myself back together.
And, Greg... I don't know where I would be without him. What other boyfriend promises to take a vitamin everyday just so you don't feel like the only person who has to take something on a continual basis? Who else would put up with me when I haven't taken my medicines and begin acting like a four year old? No one but him can separate the illness from the person - and I couldn't be more thankful for his patience.
So, I am writing all this to say... That many people have left me during my most needy moments. For a long time I have resented that. However, had they not left me during my weekest moments, I would not be as strong as I am today. So, in a strange way, I thank those of you who backed out. I am sorry you felt that you couldn't help me, but I have found something better.
I have found a better life.
A much better life.
And I live in the moment. The past is the past. We gain friends, we lose friends, we all make mistakes... And, I plan on letting the past stay in the past. There is no need for me to open old wounds just to please other people or because I might have regrets in the future. I refuse to reopen a closed book. I have moved on, and I will continue to do so.
Because I have this new life that is abundant in the Lord and rich in His favor. I have found something better than I had before - I have found true acceptance from the Lord and from His children.
And, no, I have not joined a cult.
Only a few things and people from my past remain. I only have one good friend from high school, April. I only have a few good friends left from Tuscaloosa - mainly Jordan and Carla are the ones I keep up with on a consistent basis. Not to forget Jake, of course.
It took my life nearly coming to an end to get to this new life, but I love it. I really do. And I really feel like I wouldn't be here had I not been through hell over the past year - with my health, with life, with everything.
I am not ashamed anymore of my illness(es) or afraid to talk about the things I have experienced. Most of you who have read this journal in the past know that I have had suffered with self mutilation, and it is my prayer that I can use my experiences to help others. Self mutilation is something that takes special people to understand. Not everyone can fathom what it is like to suffer from such a horrible and terrifying illness, and some people may have attributed the mood swings I went through during that time to my own personality. However, I can guarantee that (especially now that I am on medication) my personality is just fine. I lost many friends during my bought with depression and self mutilation. (FYI: I haven't had an "episode" in quite a while, I'm proud to say!)
I have never actually attempted to end my life, but there have been innumerable accounts where those I loved were concerned I would go that far. Those are the people who held me in my weakest moments and helped me build myself back together.
And, Greg... I don't know where I would be without him. What other boyfriend promises to take a vitamin everyday just so you don't feel like the only person who has to take something on a continual basis? Who else would put up with me when I haven't taken my medicines and begin acting like a four year old? No one but him can separate the illness from the person - and I couldn't be more thankful for his patience.
So, I am writing all this to say... That many people have left me during my most needy moments. For a long time I have resented that. However, had they not left me during my weekest moments, I would not be as strong as I am today. So, in a strange way, I thank those of you who backed out. I am sorry you felt that you couldn't help me, but I have found something better.
I have found a better life.
A much better life.
And I live in the moment. The past is the past. We gain friends, we lose friends, we all make mistakes... And, I plan on letting the past stay in the past. There is no need for me to open old wounds just to please other people or because I might have regrets in the future. I refuse to reopen a closed book. I have moved on, and I will continue to do so.
Because I have this new life that is abundant in the Lord and rich in His favor. I have found something better than I had before - I have found true acceptance from the Lord and from His children.
And, no, I have not joined a cult.