drabble ten
Title: Messages
Fandom: JAG
Characters: General (Harm/Mac)
Prompt: #85 - Missing
Word Count: 500
Rating: PG
Info: Angst, set anywhere during the time Harm was with the CIA
When she lets her mind wander, it takes her to places she doesn't want to go to. Condemning all that she thought she stood for. She used to think she was better than that, better than abandoning a friend, the one person who means the most. Now she isn't sure what to think.
In the past, she might've sought him out, and even if they never said a word, he'd be there silently supporting her, giving her a chance to be weak for a while without putting her down.
Now that it's nearly gone she realizes just how much she needed whatever they were.
And that will send her mind down yet another path she's not fond of, all the things that could've been done differently, all the reasons she had not to say 'never.' But they'll stay tucked away in the recesses of her mind for now, because she can't afford to let them come out here, not where others can see them.
So if someone asks her if she misses him, or if she's heard from him, she'll brush them off with some flippant remark about his life being his business, and go on, business as usual. But everything will feel hollow, like it's only a fragile shell waiting for the slightest disturbance to fracture it into a million pieces that'll never be fixed.
When she gets home tonight, to her sanctuary, the strings that hold her together will gradually loosen, and she'll wish for the thousandth time that she could go back and change things. Tonight, the dreams will come, haunting her, reminding her of all the mistakes she made, but also keeping her close to him, because somehow she'll see a little bit of him, off doing whatever he's doing for Webb and his damned 'company'. That will help a little. That she still has that little piece of their connection is both amazing and comforting.
In the middle of the night when she rolls over and knows she won't sleep anymore, she will finally break down and try calling him... Again. His answering machine seems to be the only thing she can count on lately, and in a way, it's a lifeline for her, because she can hear his voice, warm and carefree from a time in the past when things actually made sense. She'll probably leave a message, this one a little bit more worried than the last, because he still can't or won't call her back, and she'll wonder if they can ever get back to what they used to be.
Tomorrow, she'll wake up and do almost the same thing over again, because it's becoming the only routine she knows. Though maybe tomorrow night she won't dream of him so vividly she can feel him, won't wake up and leave another message in the middle of the night. But tomorrow night, she will stare up at the ceiling and miss him.
Across town, he'll listen to her message and do the same.