The Big O: Part 3/5
Title: The Big O
Pairing: Nishikido Ryo/Ueda Tatsuya
Genre: Crackfic (6000~ words, PG-13)
Disclaimer: Not mine. Boo.
Author’s Notes: HAY GAIZ, THIS IS NOW COMPLETELY AU BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE JIN-BACK THING.
Beta'd by the illustrious conser and krissonia, and posted during exam week because thewhiteprophet has mob connections. :|
Summary: "We're going to have a camera following you for the DVD backstage scenes and complimentary photobook until you two can be properly civil." The mighty jimusho has a problem, management has a solution, and Ueda has no idea why even the gods are taking it out on him.
Part One|Part Two
Ueda threw the phone on the ground and jumped on it twice before storming - blindly, with tears bleeding hot trails down his cheeks - inside with every intention of hiding under his covers and pretending the last half hour had never happened.
Three.
"I understand that you've been having some problems adjusting to your new assignment."
Koda snorted from behind his newspaper.
"Some, ma'am." Ueda hadn't looked anywhere other than his toes since he'd entered the office. Koda's secretary had ushered him in as soon as he'd arrived at the Osaka offices, informing him that Mary had requested a phone conference.
"And what, exactly, are your reservations regarding a unit with Nishikido-kun?"
"We, uh." Ueda cleared his throat. "We don't exactly get along very well."
"I see."
Oh good, Ueda thought, they'll realize their mistake and put this whole mess to bed.
"Of course, you'd never let that get in the way of your professional activities, now, would you?" Mary said.
Okay, one story, but after that - lights out.
"No, ma'am. Never."
"Then there isn't a problem. Now, Koda-"
"But isn't Nishikido already pretty busy, though?" Ueda interrupted hastily. "I mean, he just finished two concert tours."
Koda lowered his paper - very slowly - and blinked at Ueda. Mary said nothing. After thirty seconds of silence, Ueda wondered if maybe his blunder had managed to send the universe veering off-course.
"Johnny would like to focus more attention on Masuda-kun and Shige-kun so that we might access a greater demographic of fans." Mary said in a tone of great finality. Ueda tried not to cower. "In order to do that, we need to temporarily separate Nishikido-kun from NEWS."
Seeing Ueda's plight, Koda cleared his throat. "He's also showing signs of strain. Taking a break from Kanjani8 for some low-key relaxation time will be good for him. This way we won't be removing him from public eye."
"Working eighteen hour days with someone you dislike is hardly what I'd call relaxing," Ueda said.
"False compassion is not your forte, Ueda-kun."
Koda hid a chuckled behind his hand. Ueda swallowed. "I just worry that Johnny's may not profit from our unit."
"The money I could lose on your unit is far outweighed by the lost hours and exorbitant phone bills Nishikido-kun and Uchi-kun are costing me," Mary said. "Speaking of which, Koda-san, fax me TENSION's preliminary budget, I'll look it over during lunch. Good day, gentlemen."
Koda fixed his gaze on Ueda once he'd disconnected the line. "Just go with it, Ueda," he said. "You'll get to play songwriter and fiddle with your instruments until Nishikido-kun has recuperated; you could do a lot worse."
Ueda closed his eyes. "I don't have a choice, do I?"
Koda shrugged. "It's rainy season and LA has had smog advisories for two weeks."
"Fuck."
"Quite."
: :
Nakamaru was laughing when he answered the phone. "How was Greece?" he asked.
"You'll never believe what happened," Ueda moaned.
There was a long pause. "I'm having dinner with Koki and Junno," he said, "at the usual place. You in?"
"I'm on the next train out."
: :
In the wee hours of Monday morning, while Ueda was falling asleep on a stranger's shoulder on the train to Osaka, Ryo was in Kanjani8's studio, practising before a wall of mirrors.
No one was surprised when Ryo's timing began to lag, before he missed a count entirely and fell to the ground to avoid rolling his ankle. Several of his bandmates looked on nervously while Ryo lay on the floor, regaining his breath.
"I never thought I'd say it," Subaru mused, "but you should try to be more like Yoko." At that, Yoko raised his fist in silent victory before going back to his nap.
Shota crouched down and poked at the bags under Ryo's eyes. "You look tired." Ryo batted his hand away and heaved himself to a standing position, clearly intent on starting the routine over again.
"I'm fine," Ryo insisted. "You girls just go back to your gossiping and leave the real work to me."
Shingo bit his lip. "Ryo-chan, there's some-"
"Someone here to see you," Koda-san interrupted from the door. "A word, Nishikido-kun, if I may?"
Ryo nodded and followed Koda into the hall, well aware of the six stares that followed him out.
Koda cleared his throat. "I'll get right to it, then," he said. "The Jimusho has decided to place you in a new unit, in addition to your current commitments."
"What?" Ryo shook his head. "No, sorry. I'm not interested."
"It's just a temporary thing. You'll go back to Kanjani8 as soon as the summer stageplays are over."
"That's what they said about NEWS."
"Think of it as a vacation," Koda said. His voice was high, needling - he clearly hadn't been expecting any resistance.
"No."
"May I remind you that you are on contract, Nishikido-kun?"
Ryo crossed his arms. "Hypothetically," he began, "who would I be working with?"
Koda pretended to consult his day planner. "KAT-TUN's Ueda-kun."
Ryo snorted. "Some vacation."
"Your band mates are worried about you," Koda intoned. "NEWS has said they're positive you won't make it through another season in this condition."
"I'm fine." Ryo said. "Everyone's a little tired, so what? Shige and Tego are both studying - Yamapi has a drama and a special this season. Kanjani8 has the stage plays and concerts."
Koda gave him a blank look.
"I'm not any different from Yamapi and the others," Ryo insisted.
"No," he said finally. "You are different. Nishikido-kun will never be Yamashita-kun."
"But -" Ryo glanced back at the mirrored dance studio.
"Come with me, Nishikido-kun. You don't want to keep anyone waiting, do you?"
: :
Koda-san had insisted on holding the unit's first meeting in his private office, behind oak doors that let very little sound through, and away from any witnesses.
"So," he began after his secretary had brought them all tea. "I trust you're both well?"
Ryo harrumphed and rolled his eyes. Ueda frowned when he realised he'd been about to do the same thing.
"Your unit's name is TENSION, but you knew that already. Your first single will be called Tumultuous and will be released two days after your debut performance - we'll leak the track on a few key forums eighteen hours before the performance, though. The single's b-sides will be the Tumultuous radio-edit, a remix of Kakigoori, and an extended version of Mihari - Ueda-kun, it'll be up to you to complete the lyrics for that."
Ueda pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.
"As you can see, TENSION's sound is going to more guitar heavy than you're likely used to, with Nishikido-kun on lead vocals and Ueda-kun on guitar and back-up vocals. Our studios are booked up for the next while, but that will give you more time to harmonise in rehearsals."
Ueda stared at his shoes. Ryo smoothed out his jeans.
"In the mean time," Koda coninued, "we'll work on your vocals as a unit, meet with the image coordinators, go over interview procedure and your personal diets for the next while. In addition to that, we've got a couple photoshoots booked to cover the merchandising aspect, but I don't foresee any problems on that front. Or back, as the fangirls would have it."
Ryo snorted and buried his head in his hands.
"Any questions?"
Ryo glared at Ueda. Ueda glared back.
Koda-san's smile was tight. "Let's get started then, shall we?"
: :
To the surprise of no one, vocal training turned out to be less an exercise in musicality than a screaming match broken up by short intermissions of catchy love songs.
Koda-san remained painfully optimistic. "That's great, boys," he said. Ryo smacked Ueda in the back of the head. Ueda kicked over Ryo's microphone stand. Koda gave them both a thumbs-up. "I'll go grab you guys some lunch. You two just keep up the good work."
Ryo crossed his arms as Koda-san left the editing suite. He turned to Ueda. "I'm going to go cue up something we can harmonize with," he said. "You just stand there and pretend you have talent."
Ueda grumbled under his breath while Ryo was playing at the switchboard in the next room. The opening chords of Yume no Kazu Dake filtered through Ueda's headphones. Ueda swore - he was pretty fuzzy on the lyrics in the refrain - and gnawed at his thumbnail as Ryo slipped back into the sound booth.
Ueda thought the song went reasonably well, considering their experience together, but Ryo scowled as the final chords died out. "What the fuck was that?" he snapped. "I couldn't hear you and I was standing right beside you."
"You sang over me."
"Only because you're not singing at all. Again." He cued up the song with a remote he'd nicked from the editing suite.
Three minutes later, when Ryo opened his mouth to berate Ueda once more, he was pre-empted.
"It's not me," Ueda ground out, "it's you. And turn your mic levels down, it's only the two of us. There's no audience to preen for."
Ryo leaned over and did just that as they began the song again, but his voice was still noticeably louder than Ueda's by the chorus. Ryo stopped Ueda and smirked. Ueda ground his teeth and stomped into the editing suite.
"Your mic's still at sixty percent, asshole," he called over the intercom. "No wonder you can't hear me - you've gone deaf from the sound of your own voice!" He fiddled with a half dozen knobs on the sound levels board and switched the song queue to BUTTERFLY; so long as he didn't go forgetting lyrics he'd written, he'd be fine.
Or not, he thought, when Ryo stopped him yet again. "Oh for fuck's sake, Princess. You reset my mic yourself. I couldn't be any quieter if I whispered."
"You're. Singing. Too. Loud," he ground out.
Ryo crossed his arms. "And I still say you're not singing at all."
"Am so."
"Are not."
"Am so!" Ryo snorted. Ueda looked down at his feet. "I'm just backup vocals anyway," he mumbled.
"Too bad. Give me an A, right now."
Ueda did, but he started blushing almost as soon as he'd started, and his voice started to waver after four seconds.
Ryo tapped his headphones. "Did you hear that?" he asked Ueda. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're singing from your throat. Sing from your diaphram instead."
"Do you even know what a diaphragm is?"
Ryo reached over and jabbed Ueda in the gut. "I know it's right here," he said. "Now, give me a G."
Ueda glared, but followed, and earned himself a shrug.
"Weaker than Uchi's asthmatic grandmother," Ryo said, "but, in your case, better. From the top."
They barely made it through the third chorus before Ueda cut them off. "You're flat," he snapped. "And it's te quiero, not tekkero. Spanish, dipshit."
"Whatever, stop picking on me."
"I'm not picking on you, I'm pointing out a mistake."
"It's not a mistake."
"It is when you're wrong."
"But I'm not wrong, you are."
"You don't even know all the words!" Ueda shrieked.
"And I still sing the song a hell of a lot better than you, Princess, now isn't that shameful?" Ryo jammed his hands in his pockets and flicked his hair out of his eyes.
Koda-san returned ten minutes later to find Ueda huddled in the corner, crying and Ryo lounging on the cracked leather couch, nursing a split lip. A purple bruise was blossoming on his jaw.
"What happened?" Koda cried, scandalized.
Ueda sniffled and dabbed at his eyes with bruised knuckles. Ryo smiled.
"I'd say it went well."
: :
The Hikari shinkansen from Osaka to Tokyo travels at over two hundred kilometres per hour and, though Ryo's thumbs were nearly keeping that pace as they flew across his cell phone's keypad, Ueda felt as his thoughts were crawling along at barely two. He'd tried to keep a pretense of putting lyrics and melodies to paper, but had given up some time ago in favour of staring out the window and occasionally glancing at Ryo from the corner of his eye.
Ryo licked his lips out of habit, winced and let out a hiss.
Ueda cleared his throat. Twice. "Sorry about - you know."
Ryo shrugged.
"Does it hurt?"
Ryo shook his head, still typing.
"I just apologised to you."
"So you did."
"I just apologised," Ueda said, louder, "to you."
"And?"
"When someone apologises to you they expect some sort of a response." He scowled and wrenched Ryo's phone from his hands. "Will you at least acknowledge me?"
Ryo grabbed the phone back. "It's not a big deal."
"I punched you!"
"I said it didn't matter!"
They were pulling into Nagoya station, a voice reported over the loudspeaker.
"Like hell it doesn't matter," Ueda mumbled. A punch from a trained boxer was no small thing, Ueda told himself, even if it was received by a cretin like Nishikido Ryo.
"I'm serious. Forget about it."
"But- "
Ryo sighed and leaned forward to pat Ueda's knee. He spoke slowly, as though Ueda were a small child who needed a helmet. "Your little love tap was nothing in the grand scheme of things, okay, Princess? You apologised and I accepted." He turned back to his keypad. "Now leave me alone."
Ueda felt his eyelid twitch and punctuated his hmph with a hair toss.
The car was full. He glanced at the other passengers from under his hair and noticed that they were getting a number of stares; Ueda's breath caught in his throat.
Ryo just licked his lips and kept typing.
"I can't deal with you right now," he muttered, and walked off the train without looking back.
Two minutes later Ryo stepped onto the platform and headed towards the bench Ueda was perched on.
"Here," he said, and threw his coat at Ueda. "I don't get paid if you catch a cold."
Ueda was about to huddle into the warm folds of the coat, when he realised that anything Ryo willingly gave him was probably booby-trapped . He wrapped it around his feet instead; his muddy shoes would protect him from any needles in the lining.
"That coat was Marc Jacobs, you ogre."
"Don't make a scene!" Ueda hissed.
Ryo glanced around, rubbing at the back of his neck, then swapped his beanie for Ueda's cap, scarf for sunglasses, and took 4000 yen from Ueda's wallet for his troubles. He narrowed his eyes.
"Quit sulking," Ryo said. "You're scaring the commuters." With that, he turned and ran back onto train just as the doors were closing.
Ueda really didn't know what to say to that, except -
"Oi, that was my lunch money, asshole!"
Outside the station, it began to rain. Ueda sighed. He had three hours until the next train arrived.
IF I DO NOT SURVIVE THIS, MAKE SURE
THEY TITLE THE PRESS RELEASE 'PROMISING ARTIST
KILLED BY NISHIKIDO RYO, WHINY MORON WITH A
NAPOLEON COMPLEX'.
PS - KAWAI AND TOTSU CAN FIGHT OVER MY CDs.
Ueda closed his phone after sending the email and began pacing the length of the platform. Four lengths later, his phone chirped. In his fumbled haste to read the reply Ueda dropped the phone, swore, watched in horror as the phone skidded towards the tracks, swore again, and dove to the ground in an effort to save it. He scraped his palms and whimpered on impact, but the phone was unscathed, which was all that mattered.
;A; ♥
- ABC
PS - D: Cheer up. You know what they say about
short men with sharp tongues.
: :
Nakamaru laughed and clapped his hands. "Cheer up, Ueda. I hear he has a really big you know."
"He must," Koki said, "to get away with being an ass so much of the time."
Junno smiled. "The point is, he's not always like that. I think." He tilted his head. "Are you sure you didn't do anything to provoke him?"
"Of course I'm sure," Ueda said. "He was a complete asshole, and I was just my normal self - he had no reason to be so mean, right?"
Koki rubbed his head. Nakamaru and Junno were suddenly very interested in their menus.
Ueda buried his head in his arms. "I hate you all."
"You are a bit of a drama queen, Uebo," Junno murmured. "It's okay, though. We like you anyway."
"You know." Nakamaru struck a thoughtful pose. "Nishikido's the same way. Curious, ne, Ueda?"
"Not listening. Still hating."
The waitress arrived with their entrees, bringing with her a purple bra under a white top and a new topic of discussion. Junno nearly fell out of his seat trying to catch a better glimpse of her from behind but, other than that, their meal passed in relative peace.
"Hey, Ueda?" Koki asked suddenly, as they were pulling on their coats some time later. "On the train, couldn't you have just switched cars?"
Ueda rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh, didn't think of that until afterwards."
: :
"What?"
"Really, Ryo-chan, is that any way to answer? What if your mother were calling?"
"My mother doesn't call at four in the morning, Uchi."
"I'd be worried about you if she did."
"Do you want something?" Ryo asked. "I was sleeping."
Uchi snorted. "Bullshit. You're staring at the ceiling and counting your imperfections in the dark."
"So you called to boast about your psychic powers. If there's nothing else, I'm going to bed."
Ryo was about to hang up when Uchi called out, "Subaru says you're losing weight and Hina's noticed you tripping over your feet in practice."
"What?"
"Ah, now I have your attention." There was a bubbling noise; Ryo hated it when Uchi tried to use a straw and his phone simultaneously. "So what's up?"
"They've dumped me into some phony unit because they think I'm going off the deep end and management thinks being babysat by someone who already is will help matters."
Uchi laughed. "And how is Ueda-kun, anyway?"
Ryo groaned and rolled over with a huff. "Typical."
"That good, huh?"
"He didn't say a word," Ryo grumbled. "Just acted all high and mighty during the meeting today."
"He's probably still hungover from Delphi - you should've seen him after the Oracle made him smoke this - " Ryo began to imitate a snoring elephant. Uchi paused. "I'm sure he's just tired, Ryo."
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Hanging up now."
"All right, Ryo-chan." Uchi said. "Get some sleep."
: :
In any normal unit, the days immediately following the news of a debut would be spent rehearsing and recording songs. Interviews and promotional preening would come after management had the goods.
Koda-san was kind enough to point out that TENSION wasn't a normal unit. "At this point," he said, "management is most concerned about group dynamics. So until you two can be properly civil we're going to have a camera following you for the DVD backstage scenes and complimentary photobook.
Ueda spent most of the day trying to ignore the camera and, when that proved fruitless, staring at his shoes, so it was relatively easy for Ryo to hide, tackle Ueda as he came around a corner, and drag him into the bathroom.
"All right," Ryo snarled, pinning Ueda against the wall. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Erm," Ueda said. "You hate me?"
Ryo scowled and released him. "Don't be a moron, Princess. Life isn't Shounen Club."
Ueda hoped his One Raised Eyebrow wold cover the fact that he'd scuttled away in blind terror and was now effectively sitting in a sink.
It worked. "You practised that, didn't you?" Ryo looked mildly impressed.
"You're changing the subject." And, bloody hell, Ueda thought he might be stuck.
"All right." He scowled and stepped forward, lowering his voice. "Stop skulking around like I'm going to kill you and send your body parts through the mail."
"What. No. Erm. Yeah, what?" Ueda kicked and flailed and was almost free until his back pocket snagged on the faucet. He meeped and balanced awkwardly on the sink and his toes. He chewed a thumbnail and hoped Ryo would have the manners not to ask.
"What's wrong now? Don't tell me you're going to confess your undying love."
"I am tired. I'm tired and hungry because cameras have been following me all day and I've been too busy trying not to make idiot of myself to eat lunch; and either an Oracle put a curse on me or I'm still high and unconscious in a cave because I'm stuck in a sink with a hole in my pants and my mortal enemy- " Ryo laughed aloud " - fine, papercut enemy has just said he doesn't hate me. I am perturbed."
Ueda frowned.
"And I do not skulk."
Ryo stepped forward to help Ueda extricate himself from the sink. "You do. Shut up. And I mean it: stop acting like I'm going to eat you." He stood back, voice at normal level and smug grin in place. "In any sense of the word. You couldn't afford it, Princess."
"This is me scowling, just so you know."
: :
The fairy gods saw fit to vindicate Ueda fourteen hours later.
"You know, Ryo, you're right. Why pay for something I could get for free, as stipulated by our contracts?"
Ryo crossed his arms. "Shut up and put on your Gackt grin, dumbass."
Ueda tried, but it was difficult to smile with his teeth chattering. He'd been sitting in a bathtub, with Ryo, as per Koda-san's orders for nearly four hours. Ueda was miserable, the bubble mix the attendants had used made his sinuses burn and the water had gone cold after only forty minutes; worse still, the trunks he was wearing were starting to chafe and the staff were all too terrified of Ryo to answer Ueda's feeble calls for tea between rolls of film. Between Ryo's sneers and Ueda's pouts, they had less than twenty usable shots for the calendar, and the film staff were at their end.
"Stretch out, Ueda-san!" the photographer called out. "This is a photo shoot, the fans want to see you! Why are you scrunched up like that?"
"Because I don't know where to put my feet," he muttered under his breath.
"I'd be more worried about where you're putting your nipples - could put someone's eye out with those."
"Shut up."
"You can't tell me to shut up."
"I just did."
"Well, don't."
"Well, too bad - ow!" Ueda hissed as a sharp edge scoured the back of his thigh.
Ryo smirked. "Sorry."
"No you're not," Ueda pouted. "And that really hurt. Are your toenails serrated or something?"
"What? No. Moron."
Ueda grabbed Ryo's foot before it could slice him again. "Oh my god. They're - sparkly. And orange."
Ryo blushed and mumbled something about Yasuda and Texas hold'em before wrenching his foot free and poking Ueda in the side with his toe.
"Ow - what the - stop that! Stopitnow."
"Make me, Princess."
Ueda leaned forward to throttle Ryo, but his movement brought a tidal wave of ice-cold bubbles along with him and the resulting backsplash caught him in the face. While he spluttered, Ryo attacked Ueda's sides with treacherous fingers while simultaneously trying to sneak away and soon there were and peals of laughter mingling with the bubbles dancing in the air. Ueda dimly registered the photographer chuckling and calling for more film in the background, but he was intent on drowning Nishikido without drowning himself in the process and wouldn't let himself be distracted from the feeling of Ryo's throat beneath his fingertips.
He was just about to stuff a heap of bubbles down Ryo's throat when it suddenly came to him that the photographer had finished long ago and they were being watched by fourteen odd interns with nothing else to do but hover about and gawk at the bathtub. That distraction was enough for Ryo to gain the upper hand, and Ueda collapsed against Ryo's chest with a squawk.
Ryo was laughing, smooth and low, and ignored Ueda when he laughed and told Ryo to shut up. Ueda was about to forcibly make him stop laughing, when he noticed the water droplets clinging to Ryo's eyelashes, and the way Ryo had Ueda's wrists clenched to his chest. That they were still in cold water didn't help matters.
He stopped laughing. "Nishikido."
"Yeah?"
"Get out of my bath."
: :
Ueda was very confused.
"The last four days," he said slowly, "you had us half-naked and wrestling in a bathtub, making castles out of mud and pillow-fighting in our boxers. Today you want us to be wholesome?"
Koda shrugged. "This photo set will be used to clean up your image prior to the PV release, at which point you'll be appropriately re-sexed." He shook his head. "Anyway, point is, wholesome means children and I drew the short stick today, so be aware that these kids are real and mine. Please don't hurt them or my wife will have me castrated."
"Isn't that counterproductive to replacing the children we lose?" Ryo asked. Ueda buried his face in his hands.
"I'm serious," Koda said. "Don't lose the kids or feed them dirt or anything. And try to act natural for the photographers, too. It was hell getting them to agree to hide in the bushes for this."
With that, Koda-san bowed tightly and left Ueda and Ryo alone in the park. Just to their left, a small child was burying a figurine in the sand. A bassinet, complete with baby and bulging diaper bag, sat quietly beside her on the bench.
Ryo scrubbed at his face and shook himself. "All right, time to go play with our manager's loins."
Ueda squinted at Ryo until Ryo looked away, bit his lip and hoisted a whimpering Aiko-chan onto his shoulder. Ueda was distracted from commenting altogether when Aiko-chan began pulling Ryo's hair and whimpering.
"Okay," Ryo said, "what's up, Aiko-chan?"
"Wataru smells like poo and Mister Binky's head fell off."
Of course, Ueda thought, and wrinkled his nose. Ryo merely nodded, unfazed.
"Here," Ryo said, and thrust the child into Ueda's arms before making his way over to the bassinet on the bench. "Keep an eye on her for a bit."
"Why me?"
Ryo looked up from where he was rifling through the diaper bag. "Do you see anyone else around?"
Aiko-chan gurgled in delight, kicking her legs and tugging on Ueda's earring. Ueda balanced her awkwardly on his hip so she didn't strangle Ueda with his own necklace. "What if I break it?" he asked.
"I hardly think someone like you is capable of breaking a two year old," Ryo scoffed. The baby was cooing beneath his hands, and clapped in delight when Ryo lobber the dirty diaper into a nearby garbage can.
Almost as soon as the words had left Ryo's lips, little Aiko-chan began to scream.
Ueda quickly set her down. "I'm capable!" he cried. "I broke it!" Aiko-chan wailed even more loudly. Ueda clapped both hands over his mouth and danced from one foot to the other in a panic.
Ryo snickered and finished fastening the baby's new diaper. "You didn't break her. Just talk to her; see what she wants."
By then little Aiko-chan was too hysterical to form words. Ueda flailed, nearly beyond words himself. "Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you want a hug? Miss your mom?" Ueda wondered how he was going to tell Koda-san that his daughter had wailed herself hoarse in the space of a single afternoon and shuddered. "What is it you want? Tell me what you want so your daddy doesn't come after me when mommy cuts his balls off. Shit, I just said balls to a baby. Oh, god."
"Shut up," Ryo huffed. "Trade me." He passed the baby to Ueda, then took Aiko-chan by the hand and led her a little ways off. He spoke to her in soft tones for a few moments, before she nodded and turned off the waterworks. Ryo looked over his shoulder at Ueda.
"We'll be back."
Ueda nodded fearfully and sat cross-legged on the bench with the baby curled against his chest. The sun was high in the sky, with a warm breeze rustling the leaves in the trees, whisking away some of the humidity; the baby soon fell asleep in Ueda's arms, suckling softly at his fingertips.
How much were babies supposed to sleep, anyway? Ueda wondered. And wasn't sucking on things bad for their mouths? Not that Koda-san couldn't afford an orthodontist, but Ueda wasn't about to be responsible for years of brace-face taunts in the future.
Fifteen minutes later, when Ueda's fingers were slick with baby goo, Ryo ambled back into view with Aiko-chan stumbling along behind him. She was laughing; the tear-streaks had been cleaned from her face and she had a small ice cream cone clenched in one chubby fist. Her other hand was high above her head, fingers entwined with Ryo's.
Ryo held out a second cone when they came up to the bench. "Here," he said. At Ueda's dubious glance he added, "Relax, Princess, it isn't poisoned. I just dropped it a little bit."
Ueda frowned. "Asshole."
Ryo rolled his eyes. "I'm just kidding. Moron." He grabbed the cone from Ueda and took a large bite. "It's good," he mumbled around his mouthful.
Ueda nodded. Traces of cream glistened on Ryo's lips; Ueda traced the line of Ryo's throat down to his collar bones when Ryo swallowed; his gaze fell lower when the wind blew Ryo's hair into his eyes. Ryo's t-shirt stretched at the collar, pulled up his sides when he raised his hands to brush his hair back.
"What?" Ryo gasped. "Pervert! Stop." He made a show of curling in on himself and burst out laughing.
Ueda kicked him in the shin and gave the ice cream a tentative lick. Ryo just narrowed his eyes and let his lips curl into a smug grin as he slid onto the bench beside Ueda, basking in the late-afternoon sun; the baby's snores proved an amusing soundtrack while Ueda ate and the photographer, true to his word, was nowhere to be seen.
It was all very peaceful, until Aiko-chan decided to stuff a lump of ice cream down Ryo's collar.
: :
Jin's laughter crackled over the line. "Aren't you lactose-intolerant?"
Ueda tried to inhale and cough at the same time, and promptly choked. "Don't remind me."
: :
"Your debut as TENSION is in one week," Koda said, consulting his PDA, "so I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss your unit's progress."
Ueda tried to pay attention as Koda listed off every recording session, interview, vocal lesson, costume fitting and photo shoot Ueda had attended in recent memory, but he found it very difficult to be properly attentive when he was covered in hay and being molested by a wayward goat.
Koda, Ueda was now sure, had only insisted on holding the meeting on the farm after the photo shoot because he'd heard about the Aiko-chan incident.
Ueda was already close to tears when the goat - Alfred, the farmer had informed them - gave up on rifling through Ueda's shirt pockets and began nosing about his crotch instead.
Around the same time, Ryo seemed to decide against having seven ducklings thinking he was their mother and trying to get him to join a round of barnyard Marco Polo. He tossed his glove in Koda's direction and ran to Ueda's side as soon as the ducklings had waddled off.
"Quit squirming, Princess, I'll save you," he said as he slipped behind Ueda and climbed atop the fence. "Leave it to the master." Dutifully, the goat began to investigate Ryo's back pocket instead. Ryo smirked. "A little to the left, Alfred."
Ueda watched as Alfred bestowed Ryo a mighty headbutt. The force of the blow had Ryo grappling at Ueda's shoulders to keep him from toppling into a mud puddle. "Just like that, Alfred," he coughed.
Alfred snorted.
Ueda wrapped his arm around Ryo's waist to steady him. "Nice one, Master."
Koda pretended that the two handsome young men before were weren't, in fact, falling over each other over a goat. "You'll be performing a medley of songs, including the title track, Tumultuous, which brings me to my last point." He closed his PDA and made a show of checking both his watch and the sundial to his left.
"You still haven't written the title track."
Ueda would have panicked if he weren't certain he'd already died of shock.
Ryo rolled his eyes and clapped Ueda on the back. "We haven't had time in our schedules to write the song."
"That's why I'm giving you time now. We've retained a specialist to aid you in the creative process since we're on a tight schedule."
"How tight?" Ueda squeaked.
Koda smiled. "You're due in the recording suite tomorrow at ten."
"Of course we are." Ueda felt faint.
"Hmm. Anyway, he'll meet you at the studio. I'll see you boys in the morning."
Koda walked away as though he hadn't a care in the world, leaving Ueda to crumble under the weight of insurmountable deadlines and Nishikido Ryo's sardonic judgement.
Oh, how he hated life.
: :
Yamamoto Kyohei was thirty-four years old with a degree in composition and a half-dozen half-forgettable near-chart-toppers under his belt. He'd been retained by Johnny's Entertainment to work as a freelance songwriter shortly after his first success had hit the airwaves. After two years of writing mildly entertaining songs for the lesser Junior groups, Yamamoto had finally been given a job worthy of his prestige. He was to be a consultant for TENSION while they wrote the title track of their soon-to-be first single, Tumultuous.
Which meant it was time to break out his Master's thesis project - the big gun.
Said gun was actually a flow chart with twenty-seven different algebraic formulas in bubble writing, but Ueda hadn't payed attention long enough to hear anything else. Ryo had started scowling the moment Yamamoto's wingtips crossed the threshold.
"The math will be a bit beyond you, of course," Yamamoto drawled a half hour into his speech, "since neither of you have a higher education- " Ryo snorted, "but essentially, by mixing the melodies of the first- and fourth-ranked songs over the bass line of the song in third place and alternating the first- and second-ranked drum lines of the previous month-"
Ueda stifled a jaw-cracking yawn.
"-there is an seventy percent chance of having a top ten hit the next month. Now, those odds jump to eight-two percent if - "
"You studied composition at Waseda, you said?" Ryo interrupted.
"Yes." Yamamoto paused to straighten his cufflinks. "With honours."
"That's a three year program, isn't it?"
Yamamoto frowned. "Six," he said. "But I don't see what bearing that has on the task at hand."
Ryo smiled. "I was trying to work out how much your parents wasted putting a fuckwit like you through higher education."
Ueda felt, rather than heard, himself gasp.
"I'm not sure that an idol is qualified to make judgements like that."
"Don't be such a dickhead," Ryo spat. "You aren't a songwriter, you're just a freelancer hired to paste feathers together and pray for a dove."
Ueda nearly fell off his chair. Ryo stood.
"I'm sorry, I really am, but I have to be recording in fourteen hours. I don't have time for a half-assed project like that." He paused at the door. "Hurry up, Ueda."
Too stunned to do anything else, Ueda found himself stumbling down the hall after Ryo, shrinking away from the stares of curious secretaries. They were silent for several blocks, until they came to a small store, at which point Ryo shoved a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and pulled on hat with Botanists do it outdoors emblazoned on the front before stalking inside.
Ueda rather thought a disguise that included aviators after sundown probably made them more of a target than anything, but Ryo was already inside so the point was moot.
The cashier gave them a bored look as Ryo strolled up and down the aisles, snapping his fingers to ensure Ueda followed. Ryo grabbed two six-packs from a display at the end of the third aisle, then stood on his toes in the centre of aisle seven to grab a bottle of scotch from the top shelf, and hesitated before grabbing two packs of strawberry-flavoured cigarillos; everything he touched was immediately dumped into Ueda's arms.
When they'd passed through every aisle Ryo nudged Ueda in the cashier's direction. Ueda shuffled off as per Ryo's wordless instructions and mentally calculated the interest he could earn on his severance pay while Ryo paced outside the doors. When Ueda came out, stumbling under the weight of the booze, Ryo flicked his head to the left and began walking, not looking to see if Ueda followed.
"Where are - fuck," Ueda swore as the bag with the scotch in it glanced off his shin. He tucked it under his arm and jogged to catch up. "Where are we going?"
Ryo snorted. "Disneyland, Princess. Where do you think?"
Ueda hadn't the foggiest, but he sincerely hoped it was somewhere with a wall to beat his head against.
: :
Four
Pairing: Nishikido Ryo/Ueda Tatsuya
Genre: Crackfic (6000~ words, PG-13)
Disclaimer: Not mine. Boo.
Author’s Notes: HAY GAIZ, THIS IS NOW COMPLETELY AU BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE JIN-BACK THING.
Beta'd by the illustrious conser and krissonia, and posted during exam week because thewhiteprophet has mob connections. :|
Summary: "We're going to have a camera following you for the DVD backstage scenes and complimentary photobook until you two can be properly civil." The mighty jimusho has a problem, management has a solution, and Ueda has no idea why even the gods are taking it out on him.
Part One|Part Two
Ueda threw the phone on the ground and jumped on it twice before storming - blindly, with tears bleeding hot trails down his cheeks - inside with every intention of hiding under his covers and pretending the last half hour had never happened.
Three.
"I understand that you've been having some problems adjusting to your new assignment."
Koda snorted from behind his newspaper.
"Some, ma'am." Ueda hadn't looked anywhere other than his toes since he'd entered the office. Koda's secretary had ushered him in as soon as he'd arrived at the Osaka offices, informing him that Mary had requested a phone conference.
"And what, exactly, are your reservations regarding a unit with Nishikido-kun?"
"We, uh." Ueda cleared his throat. "We don't exactly get along very well."
"I see."
Oh good, Ueda thought, they'll realize their mistake and put this whole mess to bed.
"Of course, you'd never let that get in the way of your professional activities, now, would you?" Mary said.
Okay, one story, but after that - lights out.
"No, ma'am. Never."
"Then there isn't a problem. Now, Koda-"
"But isn't Nishikido already pretty busy, though?" Ueda interrupted hastily. "I mean, he just finished two concert tours."
Koda lowered his paper - very slowly - and blinked at Ueda. Mary said nothing. After thirty seconds of silence, Ueda wondered if maybe his blunder had managed to send the universe veering off-course.
"Johnny would like to focus more attention on Masuda-kun and Shige-kun so that we might access a greater demographic of fans." Mary said in a tone of great finality. Ueda tried not to cower. "In order to do that, we need to temporarily separate Nishikido-kun from NEWS."
Seeing Ueda's plight, Koda cleared his throat. "He's also showing signs of strain. Taking a break from Kanjani8 for some low-key relaxation time will be good for him. This way we won't be removing him from public eye."
"Working eighteen hour days with someone you dislike is hardly what I'd call relaxing," Ueda said.
"False compassion is not your forte, Ueda-kun."
Koda hid a chuckled behind his hand. Ueda swallowed. "I just worry that Johnny's may not profit from our unit."
"The money I could lose on your unit is far outweighed by the lost hours and exorbitant phone bills Nishikido-kun and Uchi-kun are costing me," Mary said. "Speaking of which, Koda-san, fax me TENSION's preliminary budget, I'll look it over during lunch. Good day, gentlemen."
Koda fixed his gaze on Ueda once he'd disconnected the line. "Just go with it, Ueda," he said. "You'll get to play songwriter and fiddle with your instruments until Nishikido-kun has recuperated; you could do a lot worse."
Ueda closed his eyes. "I don't have a choice, do I?"
Koda shrugged. "It's rainy season and LA has had smog advisories for two weeks."
"Fuck."
"Quite."
: :
Nakamaru was laughing when he answered the phone. "How was Greece?" he asked.
"You'll never believe what happened," Ueda moaned.
There was a long pause. "I'm having dinner with Koki and Junno," he said, "at the usual place. You in?"
"I'm on the next train out."
: :
In the wee hours of Monday morning, while Ueda was falling asleep on a stranger's shoulder on the train to Osaka, Ryo was in Kanjani8's studio, practising before a wall of mirrors.
No one was surprised when Ryo's timing began to lag, before he missed a count entirely and fell to the ground to avoid rolling his ankle. Several of his bandmates looked on nervously while Ryo lay on the floor, regaining his breath.
"I never thought I'd say it," Subaru mused, "but you should try to be more like Yoko." At that, Yoko raised his fist in silent victory before going back to his nap.
Shota crouched down and poked at the bags under Ryo's eyes. "You look tired." Ryo batted his hand away and heaved himself to a standing position, clearly intent on starting the routine over again.
"I'm fine," Ryo insisted. "You girls just go back to your gossiping and leave the real work to me."
Shingo bit his lip. "Ryo-chan, there's some-"
"Someone here to see you," Koda-san interrupted from the door. "A word, Nishikido-kun, if I may?"
Ryo nodded and followed Koda into the hall, well aware of the six stares that followed him out.
Koda cleared his throat. "I'll get right to it, then," he said. "The Jimusho has decided to place you in a new unit, in addition to your current commitments."
"What?" Ryo shook his head. "No, sorry. I'm not interested."
"It's just a temporary thing. You'll go back to Kanjani8 as soon as the summer stageplays are over."
"That's what they said about NEWS."
"Think of it as a vacation," Koda said. His voice was high, needling - he clearly hadn't been expecting any resistance.
"No."
"May I remind you that you are on contract, Nishikido-kun?"
Ryo crossed his arms. "Hypothetically," he began, "who would I be working with?"
Koda pretended to consult his day planner. "KAT-TUN's Ueda-kun."
Ryo snorted. "Some vacation."
"Your band mates are worried about you," Koda intoned. "NEWS has said they're positive you won't make it through another season in this condition."
"I'm fine." Ryo said. "Everyone's a little tired, so what? Shige and Tego are both studying - Yamapi has a drama and a special this season. Kanjani8 has the stage plays and concerts."
Koda gave him a blank look.
"I'm not any different from Yamapi and the others," Ryo insisted.
"No," he said finally. "You are different. Nishikido-kun will never be Yamashita-kun."
"But -" Ryo glanced back at the mirrored dance studio.
"Come with me, Nishikido-kun. You don't want to keep anyone waiting, do you?"
: :
Koda-san had insisted on holding the unit's first meeting in his private office, behind oak doors that let very little sound through, and away from any witnesses.
"So," he began after his secretary had brought them all tea. "I trust you're both well?"
Ryo harrumphed and rolled his eyes. Ueda frowned when he realised he'd been about to do the same thing.
"Your unit's name is TENSION, but you knew that already. Your first single will be called Tumultuous and will be released two days after your debut performance - we'll leak the track on a few key forums eighteen hours before the performance, though. The single's b-sides will be the Tumultuous radio-edit, a remix of Kakigoori, and an extended version of Mihari - Ueda-kun, it'll be up to you to complete the lyrics for that."
Ueda pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.
"As you can see, TENSION's sound is going to more guitar heavy than you're likely used to, with Nishikido-kun on lead vocals and Ueda-kun on guitar and back-up vocals. Our studios are booked up for the next while, but that will give you more time to harmonise in rehearsals."
Ueda stared at his shoes. Ryo smoothed out his jeans.
"In the mean time," Koda coninued, "we'll work on your vocals as a unit, meet with the image coordinators, go over interview procedure and your personal diets for the next while. In addition to that, we've got a couple photoshoots booked to cover the merchandising aspect, but I don't foresee any problems on that front. Or back, as the fangirls would have it."
Ryo snorted and buried his head in his hands.
"Any questions?"
Ryo glared at Ueda. Ueda glared back.
Koda-san's smile was tight. "Let's get started then, shall we?"
: :
To the surprise of no one, vocal training turned out to be less an exercise in musicality than a screaming match broken up by short intermissions of catchy love songs.
Koda-san remained painfully optimistic. "That's great, boys," he said. Ryo smacked Ueda in the back of the head. Ueda kicked over Ryo's microphone stand. Koda gave them both a thumbs-up. "I'll go grab you guys some lunch. You two just keep up the good work."
Ryo crossed his arms as Koda-san left the editing suite. He turned to Ueda. "I'm going to go cue up something we can harmonize with," he said. "You just stand there and pretend you have talent."
Ueda grumbled under his breath while Ryo was playing at the switchboard in the next room. The opening chords of Yume no Kazu Dake filtered through Ueda's headphones. Ueda swore - he was pretty fuzzy on the lyrics in the refrain - and gnawed at his thumbnail as Ryo slipped back into the sound booth.
Ueda thought the song went reasonably well, considering their experience together, but Ryo scowled as the final chords died out. "What the fuck was that?" he snapped. "I couldn't hear you and I was standing right beside you."
"You sang over me."
"Only because you're not singing at all. Again." He cued up the song with a remote he'd nicked from the editing suite.
Three minutes later, when Ryo opened his mouth to berate Ueda once more, he was pre-empted.
"It's not me," Ueda ground out, "it's you. And turn your mic levels down, it's only the two of us. There's no audience to preen for."
Ryo leaned over and did just that as they began the song again, but his voice was still noticeably louder than Ueda's by the chorus. Ryo stopped Ueda and smirked. Ueda ground his teeth and stomped into the editing suite.
"Your mic's still at sixty percent, asshole," he called over the intercom. "No wonder you can't hear me - you've gone deaf from the sound of your own voice!" He fiddled with a half dozen knobs on the sound levels board and switched the song queue to BUTTERFLY; so long as he didn't go forgetting lyrics he'd written, he'd be fine.
Or not, he thought, when Ryo stopped him yet again. "Oh for fuck's sake, Princess. You reset my mic yourself. I couldn't be any quieter if I whispered."
"You're. Singing. Too. Loud," he ground out.
Ryo crossed his arms. "And I still say you're not singing at all."
"Am so."
"Are not."
"Am so!" Ryo snorted. Ueda looked down at his feet. "I'm just backup vocals anyway," he mumbled.
"Too bad. Give me an A, right now."
Ueda did, but he started blushing almost as soon as he'd started, and his voice started to waver after four seconds.
Ryo tapped his headphones. "Did you hear that?" he asked Ueda. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. You're singing from your throat. Sing from your diaphram instead."
"Do you even know what a diaphragm is?"
Ryo reached over and jabbed Ueda in the gut. "I know it's right here," he said. "Now, give me a G."
Ueda glared, but followed, and earned himself a shrug.
"Weaker than Uchi's asthmatic grandmother," Ryo said, "but, in your case, better. From the top."
They barely made it through the third chorus before Ueda cut them off. "You're flat," he snapped. "And it's te quiero, not tekkero. Spanish, dipshit."
"Whatever, stop picking on me."
"I'm not picking on you, I'm pointing out a mistake."
"It's not a mistake."
"It is when you're wrong."
"But I'm not wrong, you are."
"You don't even know all the words!" Ueda shrieked.
"And I still sing the song a hell of a lot better than you, Princess, now isn't that shameful?" Ryo jammed his hands in his pockets and flicked his hair out of his eyes.
Koda-san returned ten minutes later to find Ueda huddled in the corner, crying and Ryo lounging on the cracked leather couch, nursing a split lip. A purple bruise was blossoming on his jaw.
"What happened?" Koda cried, scandalized.
Ueda sniffled and dabbed at his eyes with bruised knuckles. Ryo smiled.
"I'd say it went well."
: :
The Hikari shinkansen from Osaka to Tokyo travels at over two hundred kilometres per hour and, though Ryo's thumbs were nearly keeping that pace as they flew across his cell phone's keypad, Ueda felt as his thoughts were crawling along at barely two. He'd tried to keep a pretense of putting lyrics and melodies to paper, but had given up some time ago in favour of staring out the window and occasionally glancing at Ryo from the corner of his eye.
Ryo licked his lips out of habit, winced and let out a hiss.
Ueda cleared his throat. Twice. "Sorry about - you know."
Ryo shrugged.
"Does it hurt?"
Ryo shook his head, still typing.
"I just apologised to you."
"So you did."
"I just apologised," Ueda said, louder, "to you."
"And?"
"When someone apologises to you they expect some sort of a response." He scowled and wrenched Ryo's phone from his hands. "Will you at least acknowledge me?"
Ryo grabbed the phone back. "It's not a big deal."
"I punched you!"
"I said it didn't matter!"
They were pulling into Nagoya station, a voice reported over the loudspeaker.
"Like hell it doesn't matter," Ueda mumbled. A punch from a trained boxer was no small thing, Ueda told himself, even if it was received by a cretin like Nishikido Ryo.
"I'm serious. Forget about it."
"But- "
Ryo sighed and leaned forward to pat Ueda's knee. He spoke slowly, as though Ueda were a small child who needed a helmet. "Your little love tap was nothing in the grand scheme of things, okay, Princess? You apologised and I accepted." He turned back to his keypad. "Now leave me alone."
Ueda felt his eyelid twitch and punctuated his hmph with a hair toss.
The car was full. He glanced at the other passengers from under his hair and noticed that they were getting a number of stares; Ueda's breath caught in his throat.
Ryo just licked his lips and kept typing.
"I can't deal with you right now," he muttered, and walked off the train without looking back.
Two minutes later Ryo stepped onto the platform and headed towards the bench Ueda was perched on.
"Here," he said, and threw his coat at Ueda. "I don't get paid if you catch a cold."
Ueda was about to huddle into the warm folds of the coat, when he realised that anything Ryo willingly gave him was probably booby-trapped . He wrapped it around his feet instead; his muddy shoes would protect him from any needles in the lining.
"That coat was Marc Jacobs, you ogre."
"Don't make a scene!" Ueda hissed.
Ryo glanced around, rubbing at the back of his neck, then swapped his beanie for Ueda's cap, scarf for sunglasses, and took 4000 yen from Ueda's wallet for his troubles. He narrowed his eyes.
"Quit sulking," Ryo said. "You're scaring the commuters." With that, he turned and ran back onto train just as the doors were closing.
Ueda really didn't know what to say to that, except -
"Oi, that was my lunch money, asshole!"
Outside the station, it began to rain. Ueda sighed. He had three hours until the next train arrived.
IF I DO NOT SURVIVE THIS, MAKE SURE
THEY TITLE THE PRESS RELEASE 'PROMISING ARTIST
KILLED BY NISHIKIDO RYO, WHINY MORON WITH A
NAPOLEON COMPLEX'.
PS - KAWAI AND TOTSU CAN FIGHT OVER MY CDs.
Ueda closed his phone after sending the email and began pacing the length of the platform. Four lengths later, his phone chirped. In his fumbled haste to read the reply Ueda dropped the phone, swore, watched in horror as the phone skidded towards the tracks, swore again, and dove to the ground in an effort to save it. He scraped his palms and whimpered on impact, but the phone was unscathed, which was all that mattered.
;A; ♥
- ABC
PS - D: Cheer up. You know what they say about
short men with sharp tongues.
: :
Nakamaru laughed and clapped his hands. "Cheer up, Ueda. I hear he has a really big you know."
"He must," Koki said, "to get away with being an ass so much of the time."
Junno smiled. "The point is, he's not always like that. I think." He tilted his head. "Are you sure you didn't do anything to provoke him?"
"Of course I'm sure," Ueda said. "He was a complete asshole, and I was just my normal self - he had no reason to be so mean, right?"
Koki rubbed his head. Nakamaru and Junno were suddenly very interested in their menus.
Ueda buried his head in his arms. "I hate you all."
"You are a bit of a drama queen, Uebo," Junno murmured. "It's okay, though. We like you anyway."
"You know." Nakamaru struck a thoughtful pose. "Nishikido's the same way. Curious, ne, Ueda?"
"Not listening. Still hating."
The waitress arrived with their entrees, bringing with her a purple bra under a white top and a new topic of discussion. Junno nearly fell out of his seat trying to catch a better glimpse of her from behind but, other than that, their meal passed in relative peace.
"Hey, Ueda?" Koki asked suddenly, as they were pulling on their coats some time later. "On the train, couldn't you have just switched cars?"
Ueda rubbed the back of his neck. "I, uh, didn't think of that until afterwards."
: :
"What?"
"Really, Ryo-chan, is that any way to answer? What if your mother were calling?"
"My mother doesn't call at four in the morning, Uchi."
"I'd be worried about you if she did."
"Do you want something?" Ryo asked. "I was sleeping."
Uchi snorted. "Bullshit. You're staring at the ceiling and counting your imperfections in the dark."
"So you called to boast about your psychic powers. If there's nothing else, I'm going to bed."
Ryo was about to hang up when Uchi called out, "Subaru says you're losing weight and Hina's noticed you tripping over your feet in practice."
"What?"
"Ah, now I have your attention." There was a bubbling noise; Ryo hated it when Uchi tried to use a straw and his phone simultaneously. "So what's up?"
"They've dumped me into some phony unit because they think I'm going off the deep end and management thinks being babysat by someone who already is will help matters."
Uchi laughed. "And how is Ueda-kun, anyway?"
Ryo groaned and rolled over with a huff. "Typical."
"That good, huh?"
"He didn't say a word," Ryo grumbled. "Just acted all high and mighty during the meeting today."
"He's probably still hungover from Delphi - you should've seen him after the Oracle made him smoke this - " Ryo began to imitate a snoring elephant. Uchi paused. "I'm sure he's just tired, Ryo."
Ryo rolled his eyes. "Hanging up now."
"All right, Ryo-chan." Uchi said. "Get some sleep."
: :
In any normal unit, the days immediately following the news of a debut would be spent rehearsing and recording songs. Interviews and promotional preening would come after management had the goods.
Koda-san was kind enough to point out that TENSION wasn't a normal unit. "At this point," he said, "management is most concerned about group dynamics. So until you two can be properly civil we're going to have a camera following you for the DVD backstage scenes and complimentary photobook.
Ueda spent most of the day trying to ignore the camera and, when that proved fruitless, staring at his shoes, so it was relatively easy for Ryo to hide, tackle Ueda as he came around a corner, and drag him into the bathroom.
"All right," Ryo snarled, pinning Ueda against the wall. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Erm," Ueda said. "You hate me?"
Ryo scowled and released him. "Don't be a moron, Princess. Life isn't Shounen Club."
Ueda hoped his One Raised Eyebrow wold cover the fact that he'd scuttled away in blind terror and was now effectively sitting in a sink.
It worked. "You practised that, didn't you?" Ryo looked mildly impressed.
"You're changing the subject." And, bloody hell, Ueda thought he might be stuck.
"All right." He scowled and stepped forward, lowering his voice. "Stop skulking around like I'm going to kill you and send your body parts through the mail."
"What. No. Erm. Yeah, what?" Ueda kicked and flailed and was almost free until his back pocket snagged on the faucet. He meeped and balanced awkwardly on the sink and his toes. He chewed a thumbnail and hoped Ryo would have the manners not to ask.
"What's wrong now? Don't tell me you're going to confess your undying love."
"I am tired. I'm tired and hungry because cameras have been following me all day and I've been too busy trying not to make idiot of myself to eat lunch; and either an Oracle put a curse on me or I'm still high and unconscious in a cave because I'm stuck in a sink with a hole in my pants and my mortal enemy- " Ryo laughed aloud " - fine, papercut enemy has just said he doesn't hate me. I am perturbed."
Ueda frowned.
"And I do not skulk."
Ryo stepped forward to help Ueda extricate himself from the sink. "You do. Shut up. And I mean it: stop acting like I'm going to eat you." He stood back, voice at normal level and smug grin in place. "In any sense of the word. You couldn't afford it, Princess."
"This is me scowling, just so you know."
: :
The fairy gods saw fit to vindicate Ueda fourteen hours later.
"You know, Ryo, you're right. Why pay for something I could get for free, as stipulated by our contracts?"
Ryo crossed his arms. "Shut up and put on your Gackt grin, dumbass."
Ueda tried, but it was difficult to smile with his teeth chattering. He'd been sitting in a bathtub, with Ryo, as per Koda-san's orders for nearly four hours. Ueda was miserable, the bubble mix the attendants had used made his sinuses burn and the water had gone cold after only forty minutes; worse still, the trunks he was wearing were starting to chafe and the staff were all too terrified of Ryo to answer Ueda's feeble calls for tea between rolls of film. Between Ryo's sneers and Ueda's pouts, they had less than twenty usable shots for the calendar, and the film staff were at their end.
"Stretch out, Ueda-san!" the photographer called out. "This is a photo shoot, the fans want to see you! Why are you scrunched up like that?"
"Because I don't know where to put my feet," he muttered under his breath.
"I'd be more worried about where you're putting your nipples - could put someone's eye out with those."
"Shut up."
"You can't tell me to shut up."
"I just did."
"Well, don't."
"Well, too bad - ow!" Ueda hissed as a sharp edge scoured the back of his thigh.
Ryo smirked. "Sorry."
"No you're not," Ueda pouted. "And that really hurt. Are your toenails serrated or something?"
"What? No. Moron."
Ueda grabbed Ryo's foot before it could slice him again. "Oh my god. They're - sparkly. And orange."
Ryo blushed and mumbled something about Yasuda and Texas hold'em before wrenching his foot free and poking Ueda in the side with his toe.
"Ow - what the - stop that! Stopitnow."
"Make me, Princess."
Ueda leaned forward to throttle Ryo, but his movement brought a tidal wave of ice-cold bubbles along with him and the resulting backsplash caught him in the face. While he spluttered, Ryo attacked Ueda's sides with treacherous fingers while simultaneously trying to sneak away and soon there were and peals of laughter mingling with the bubbles dancing in the air. Ueda dimly registered the photographer chuckling and calling for more film in the background, but he was intent on drowning Nishikido without drowning himself in the process and wouldn't let himself be distracted from the feeling of Ryo's throat beneath his fingertips.
He was just about to stuff a heap of bubbles down Ryo's throat when it suddenly came to him that the photographer had finished long ago and they were being watched by fourteen odd interns with nothing else to do but hover about and gawk at the bathtub. That distraction was enough for Ryo to gain the upper hand, and Ueda collapsed against Ryo's chest with a squawk.
Ryo was laughing, smooth and low, and ignored Ueda when he laughed and told Ryo to shut up. Ueda was about to forcibly make him stop laughing, when he noticed the water droplets clinging to Ryo's eyelashes, and the way Ryo had Ueda's wrists clenched to his chest. That they were still in cold water didn't help matters.
He stopped laughing. "Nishikido."
"Yeah?"
"Get out of my bath."
: :
Ueda was very confused.
"The last four days," he said slowly, "you had us half-naked and wrestling in a bathtub, making castles out of mud and pillow-fighting in our boxers. Today you want us to be wholesome?"
Koda shrugged. "This photo set will be used to clean up your image prior to the PV release, at which point you'll be appropriately re-sexed." He shook his head. "Anyway, point is, wholesome means children and I drew the short stick today, so be aware that these kids are real and mine. Please don't hurt them or my wife will have me castrated."
"Isn't that counterproductive to replacing the children we lose?" Ryo asked. Ueda buried his face in his hands.
"I'm serious," Koda said. "Don't lose the kids or feed them dirt or anything. And try to act natural for the photographers, too. It was hell getting them to agree to hide in the bushes for this."
With that, Koda-san bowed tightly and left Ueda and Ryo alone in the park. Just to their left, a small child was burying a figurine in the sand. A bassinet, complete with baby and bulging diaper bag, sat quietly beside her on the bench.
Ryo scrubbed at his face and shook himself. "All right, time to go play with our manager's loins."
Ueda squinted at Ryo until Ryo looked away, bit his lip and hoisted a whimpering Aiko-chan onto his shoulder. Ueda was distracted from commenting altogether when Aiko-chan began pulling Ryo's hair and whimpering.
"Okay," Ryo said, "what's up, Aiko-chan?"
"Wataru smells like poo and Mister Binky's head fell off."
Of course, Ueda thought, and wrinkled his nose. Ryo merely nodded, unfazed.
"Here," Ryo said, and thrust the child into Ueda's arms before making his way over to the bassinet on the bench. "Keep an eye on her for a bit."
"Why me?"
Ryo looked up from where he was rifling through the diaper bag. "Do you see anyone else around?"
Aiko-chan gurgled in delight, kicking her legs and tugging on Ueda's earring. Ueda balanced her awkwardly on his hip so she didn't strangle Ueda with his own necklace. "What if I break it?" he asked.
"I hardly think someone like you is capable of breaking a two year old," Ryo scoffed. The baby was cooing beneath his hands, and clapped in delight when Ryo lobber the dirty diaper into a nearby garbage can.
Almost as soon as the words had left Ryo's lips, little Aiko-chan began to scream.
Ueda quickly set her down. "I'm capable!" he cried. "I broke it!" Aiko-chan wailed even more loudly. Ueda clapped both hands over his mouth and danced from one foot to the other in a panic.
Ryo snickered and finished fastening the baby's new diaper. "You didn't break her. Just talk to her; see what she wants."
By then little Aiko-chan was too hysterical to form words. Ueda flailed, nearly beyond words himself. "Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you want a hug? Miss your mom?" Ueda wondered how he was going to tell Koda-san that his daughter had wailed herself hoarse in the space of a single afternoon and shuddered. "What is it you want? Tell me what you want so your daddy doesn't come after me when mommy cuts his balls off. Shit, I just said balls to a baby. Oh, god."
"Shut up," Ryo huffed. "Trade me." He passed the baby to Ueda, then took Aiko-chan by the hand and led her a little ways off. He spoke to her in soft tones for a few moments, before she nodded and turned off the waterworks. Ryo looked over his shoulder at Ueda.
"We'll be back."
Ueda nodded fearfully and sat cross-legged on the bench with the baby curled against his chest. The sun was high in the sky, with a warm breeze rustling the leaves in the trees, whisking away some of the humidity; the baby soon fell asleep in Ueda's arms, suckling softly at his fingertips.
How much were babies supposed to sleep, anyway? Ueda wondered. And wasn't sucking on things bad for their mouths? Not that Koda-san couldn't afford an orthodontist, but Ueda wasn't about to be responsible for years of brace-face taunts in the future.
Fifteen minutes later, when Ueda's fingers were slick with baby goo, Ryo ambled back into view with Aiko-chan stumbling along behind him. She was laughing; the tear-streaks had been cleaned from her face and she had a small ice cream cone clenched in one chubby fist. Her other hand was high above her head, fingers entwined with Ryo's.
Ryo held out a second cone when they came up to the bench. "Here," he said. At Ueda's dubious glance he added, "Relax, Princess, it isn't poisoned. I just dropped it a little bit."
Ueda frowned. "Asshole."
Ryo rolled his eyes. "I'm just kidding. Moron." He grabbed the cone from Ueda and took a large bite. "It's good," he mumbled around his mouthful.
Ueda nodded. Traces of cream glistened on Ryo's lips; Ueda traced the line of Ryo's throat down to his collar bones when Ryo swallowed; his gaze fell lower when the wind blew Ryo's hair into his eyes. Ryo's t-shirt stretched at the collar, pulled up his sides when he raised his hands to brush his hair back.
"What?" Ryo gasped. "Pervert! Stop." He made a show of curling in on himself and burst out laughing.
Ueda kicked him in the shin and gave the ice cream a tentative lick. Ryo just narrowed his eyes and let his lips curl into a smug grin as he slid onto the bench beside Ueda, basking in the late-afternoon sun; the baby's snores proved an amusing soundtrack while Ueda ate and the photographer, true to his word, was nowhere to be seen.
It was all very peaceful, until Aiko-chan decided to stuff a lump of ice cream down Ryo's collar.
: :
Jin's laughter crackled over the line. "Aren't you lactose-intolerant?"
Ueda tried to inhale and cough at the same time, and promptly choked. "Don't remind me."
: :
"Your debut as TENSION is in one week," Koda said, consulting his PDA, "so I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss your unit's progress."
Ueda tried to pay attention as Koda listed off every recording session, interview, vocal lesson, costume fitting and photo shoot Ueda had attended in recent memory, but he found it very difficult to be properly attentive when he was covered in hay and being molested by a wayward goat.
Koda, Ueda was now sure, had only insisted on holding the meeting on the farm after the photo shoot because he'd heard about the Aiko-chan incident.
Ueda was already close to tears when the goat - Alfred, the farmer had informed them - gave up on rifling through Ueda's shirt pockets and began nosing about his crotch instead.
Around the same time, Ryo seemed to decide against having seven ducklings thinking he was their mother and trying to get him to join a round of barnyard Marco Polo. He tossed his glove in Koda's direction and ran to Ueda's side as soon as the ducklings had waddled off.
"Quit squirming, Princess, I'll save you," he said as he slipped behind Ueda and climbed atop the fence. "Leave it to the master." Dutifully, the goat began to investigate Ryo's back pocket instead. Ryo smirked. "A little to the left, Alfred."
Ueda watched as Alfred bestowed Ryo a mighty headbutt. The force of the blow had Ryo grappling at Ueda's shoulders to keep him from toppling into a mud puddle. "Just like that, Alfred," he coughed.
Alfred snorted.
Ueda wrapped his arm around Ryo's waist to steady him. "Nice one, Master."
Koda pretended that the two handsome young men before were weren't, in fact, falling over each other over a goat. "You'll be performing a medley of songs, including the title track, Tumultuous, which brings me to my last point." He closed his PDA and made a show of checking both his watch and the sundial to his left.
"You still haven't written the title track."
Ueda would have panicked if he weren't certain he'd already died of shock.
Ryo rolled his eyes and clapped Ueda on the back. "We haven't had time in our schedules to write the song."
"That's why I'm giving you time now. We've retained a specialist to aid you in the creative process since we're on a tight schedule."
"How tight?" Ueda squeaked.
Koda smiled. "You're due in the recording suite tomorrow at ten."
"Of course we are." Ueda felt faint.
"Hmm. Anyway, he'll meet you at the studio. I'll see you boys in the morning."
Koda walked away as though he hadn't a care in the world, leaving Ueda to crumble under the weight of insurmountable deadlines and Nishikido Ryo's sardonic judgement.
Oh, how he hated life.
: :
Yamamoto Kyohei was thirty-four years old with a degree in composition and a half-dozen half-forgettable near-chart-toppers under his belt. He'd been retained by Johnny's Entertainment to work as a freelance songwriter shortly after his first success had hit the airwaves. After two years of writing mildly entertaining songs for the lesser Junior groups, Yamamoto had finally been given a job worthy of his prestige. He was to be a consultant for TENSION while they wrote the title track of their soon-to-be first single, Tumultuous.
Which meant it was time to break out his Master's thesis project - the big gun.
Said gun was actually a flow chart with twenty-seven different algebraic formulas in bubble writing, but Ueda hadn't payed attention long enough to hear anything else. Ryo had started scowling the moment Yamamoto's wingtips crossed the threshold.
"The math will be a bit beyond you, of course," Yamamoto drawled a half hour into his speech, "since neither of you have a higher education- " Ryo snorted, "but essentially, by mixing the melodies of the first- and fourth-ranked songs over the bass line of the song in third place and alternating the first- and second-ranked drum lines of the previous month-"
Ueda stifled a jaw-cracking yawn.
"-there is an seventy percent chance of having a top ten hit the next month. Now, those odds jump to eight-two percent if - "
"You studied composition at Waseda, you said?" Ryo interrupted.
"Yes." Yamamoto paused to straighten his cufflinks. "With honours."
"That's a three year program, isn't it?"
Yamamoto frowned. "Six," he said. "But I don't see what bearing that has on the task at hand."
Ryo smiled. "I was trying to work out how much your parents wasted putting a fuckwit like you through higher education."
Ueda felt, rather than heard, himself gasp.
"I'm not sure that an idol is qualified to make judgements like that."
"Don't be such a dickhead," Ryo spat. "You aren't a songwriter, you're just a freelancer hired to paste feathers together and pray for a dove."
Ueda nearly fell off his chair. Ryo stood.
"I'm sorry, I really am, but I have to be recording in fourteen hours. I don't have time for a half-assed project like that." He paused at the door. "Hurry up, Ueda."
Too stunned to do anything else, Ueda found himself stumbling down the hall after Ryo, shrinking away from the stares of curious secretaries. They were silent for several blocks, until they came to a small store, at which point Ryo shoved a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and pulled on hat with Botanists do it outdoors emblazoned on the front before stalking inside.
Ueda rather thought a disguise that included aviators after sundown probably made them more of a target than anything, but Ryo was already inside so the point was moot.
The cashier gave them a bored look as Ryo strolled up and down the aisles, snapping his fingers to ensure Ueda followed. Ryo grabbed two six-packs from a display at the end of the third aisle, then stood on his toes in the centre of aisle seven to grab a bottle of scotch from the top shelf, and hesitated before grabbing two packs of strawberry-flavoured cigarillos; everything he touched was immediately dumped into Ueda's arms.
When they'd passed through every aisle Ryo nudged Ueda in the cashier's direction. Ueda shuffled off as per Ryo's wordless instructions and mentally calculated the interest he could earn on his severance pay while Ryo paced outside the doors. When Ueda came out, stumbling under the weight of the booze, Ryo flicked his head to the left and began walking, not looking to see if Ueda followed.
"Where are - fuck," Ueda swore as the bag with the scotch in it glanced off his shin. He tucked it under his arm and jogged to catch up. "Where are we going?"
Ryo snorted. "Disneyland, Princess. Where do you think?"
Ueda hadn't the foggiest, but he sincerely hoped it was somewhere with a wall to beat his head against.
: :
Four