Entry 02: You Won't Find Me Perching Here Again
Title: You Won't Find Me Perching Here Again
Entry Number: 02
Author: Lynzie914
Fandom: Haven
Rating: PG
Genre: Friendship (in a distinct Nathan-Duke way), episode coda/missing scene.
Spoiler Warnings: Set post 4x03 “Bad Blood”, everything before is fair game.
Word Count: 1420
Duke didn’t want to be at the Gull. He didn’t want to be around the Guard members he knew were watching his every move. He didn’t want to be around Wade who was trying to pretend they had a relationship they never had. He didn’t want to be around Jennifer, constantly watching and looking way, afraid of what secrets she might reveal just by looking at him.
(It had been nice. One person who didn’t know what being a Crocker really meant. One person, who wasn’t scared or angry with him for who he was. Who looked at him like maybe he could be the hero of the story and not the villain or criminal.
Who looked at him like he could be something more than what he was. The only other person that had done that was Audrey.)
But Nathan had taken to going to the upper deck of the Gull, never inside of Audrey’s apartment, but outside of it. Like he was guarding it or maybe just waiting for its rightful residence to return.
(So far his presence hadn’t changed anything.)
He climbed the stairs and found Nathan where he always was and sat the beer down in front of him, leaning against the railing.
“Thanks, but I think I’ve already had enough.” Nathan said, gesturing to the beer bottles in front of him.
“Oh, no that one was mine.” Duke said, “I drank it before I came up here. To you know, make this conversation more bearable.”
“God, we’re going to have a conversation?” Nathan said with just a hint of a groan.
“Trust me, we’re equally unhappy about it.” Duke said, nodding his head in agreement.
“Okay then, let’s get it over with as quickly as possible.” Nathan said.
“You know how I hate Jordan, right?”
“This is what you wanted to talk about?” Nathan raised his eyebrows.
Duke just stared him down. “I hate Jordan, she hates me too, and I figure that’s fine. I got to shoot her that one time. So it makes things a little easier, for me anyways.”
“That’s not funny.”
“No, its…it’s really not.” Duke agreed. “My point though, me and Jordan, couldn’t be on further sides if we wanted to be. But today, at the station, she was right.”
“About what exactly?”
“You’re going to get yourself killed.”
“I have it under control.” Nathan said.
“No, you think you have it under control, but you don’t.” Duke shook his head, “And that’s exactly my point. You always think you have it under control, always think you know what’s best…You are not Audrey, Nathan. You aren’t immune to the troubles. You can’t do what she did.”
“Maybe not, but there’s no one else to do it. And that’s on me.” Nathan said, “So until we get her back-”
“Get her back so she can kill you, right?” Duke asked, “That’s your big plan. We find Audrey, hope the barn spit out the same girl that went in, hope she still loves you and more than that loves you more than anyone or anything else, and then we shove a gun in her hands and then, well then all of our troubles are over, aren’t they?”
Duke took a step closer, his mocking tone only increasing. “That’s the great master plan you came up with. The one to dissolve you of your sins, right? You get dead and the town gets better.”
“You got a better plan you haven’t been sharing with the class?” Nathan asked standing up and moving around the table so they were closer, to make his point, to prove he was right, like always. “Do you know something I don’t? The barn start whispering its secrets to you too?”
“I know Audrey.” Duke said, “And I know whether she came out of that barn as herself or as someone new, she would never kill you. Not to end the troubles, not to save the damn world. That’s not who she is. And some part of you knows that too and is just ignoring it.”
“It’s the only way-”
“Why because you said so? Because Howard said so?”
“James said it too.”
“Well you know what, I think you’re all seriously screwed up in the head.” Duke said, “And in case you hadn’t noticed, neither of them are around to explain it. To tell us how this whole things works. But you know, none of this is gonna matter. Not really, because if Audrey does show up again, the way you’re going I’m the only one that’s going to get to see her.”
“I’ll be fine.” Nathan said, “I didn’t even feel-”
“You never feel it! But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.” Duke said, “And God help me, but I think you like it.”
“Now who’s being ridiculous?” Nathan shook his head and moved to turn away (run away) from him.
“What? Don’t like honesty all of a sudden?”
“Trust me, I don’t expect honesty from you, Duke. I never have.” Nathan turned back to glare at him.
(Turned back to increase the hurt the words caused. Nathan always knew the right buttons to push, even when he wasn’t at the top of his game.
But then, so did Duke, and Duke…Duke had always been better when it came to hurting people, intentionally or not.)
“You’ve never expected a lot from me. No one has.” Duke said, “But you, you were always different. Chief Wuornos son, destined to walk that righteous path, to be his father’s son. You always made the right choices, always did the right thing. Until you didn’t. And now the town hates you and you think they’re right, you think you deserve everything they dish out, because you couldn’t let her go and it cost you everything.”
“And I think every time you step up to a troubled person, every time a member of the guard threatens retribution, you welcome it. Because you think it’s what you deserve.”
“I’m trying to save the town. I’m trying to hold it together until Audrey gets back and I can fix this permanently.”
Nathan was yelling now. And it took Duke a minute to realize it was because he had been yelling for a while now. Nathan had always been able to bring out that side of him, and vice versa, to say the least.
“I don’t care whatever theory you’ve concocted, I don’t care that you think what I’m doing is wrong.” Nathan told him, “You’re opinion doesn’t matter to me. I don’t know what gave you the impression that it did.”
Duke looked away, fought back all his impulses to strike back, before he stopped and just swung at him instead, sending Nathan to the floor from the impact of his fist meeting Nathan’s face.
“Do you care now? Is that what takes to get your attention?”
Nathan wiped at the blood at his mouth with his sleeve, looking up at Duke with wide eyes.
“You have no idea how much I wish that actually hurt.” Duke said, and he meant it he really did. Nathan was giving up before his eyes, a little more every day, and Duke didn’t know what to do to save him.
(Crockers were built to destroy, not save. Wasn’t that what everyone kept telling him?)
“Do you know why I did what I did today? Why I risked my life, why I put Jennifer and Dwight at risk? I didn’t do it so you could die and end the troubles. I didn’t do it so you could die at some later date. I did it because Audrey wouldn’t want you to die. I did it because I don’t want you to. So maybe, while you’re busy making all your plans, you should start factoring things like that in. Because Audrey’s not going to kill you and I’m not going to let anyone else do it either.”
Duke turned away. Nathan was still watching him, looking up at him with questioning eyes, confused and unsure, and Duke didn’t think anything he had said had gotten through to him. Not really. He didn’t know why he thought it would.
“You know,” Duke paused at the stairs, “You’re out there trying to be everybody else’s Audrey…And you’re failing at it, because you can’t be her. No one can. And I can’t be her for you either.”
(Duke wasn’t Audrey, he didn’t know how to save anyone, how to help Nathan.
He didn’t even know how to save himself.)
Entry Number: 02
Author: Lynzie914
Fandom: Haven
Rating: PG
Genre: Friendship (in a distinct Nathan-Duke way), episode coda/missing scene.
Spoiler Warnings: Set post 4x03 “Bad Blood”, everything before is fair game.
Word Count: 1420
Duke didn’t want to be at the Gull. He didn’t want to be around the Guard members he knew were watching his every move. He didn’t want to be around Wade who was trying to pretend they had a relationship they never had. He didn’t want to be around Jennifer, constantly watching and looking way, afraid of what secrets she might reveal just by looking at him.
(It had been nice. One person who didn’t know what being a Crocker really meant. One person, who wasn’t scared or angry with him for who he was. Who looked at him like maybe he could be the hero of the story and not the villain or criminal.
Who looked at him like he could be something more than what he was. The only other person that had done that was Audrey.)
But Nathan had taken to going to the upper deck of the Gull, never inside of Audrey’s apartment, but outside of it. Like he was guarding it or maybe just waiting for its rightful residence to return.
(So far his presence hadn’t changed anything.)
He climbed the stairs and found Nathan where he always was and sat the beer down in front of him, leaning against the railing.
“Thanks, but I think I’ve already had enough.” Nathan said, gesturing to the beer bottles in front of him.
“Oh, no that one was mine.” Duke said, “I drank it before I came up here. To you know, make this conversation more bearable.”
“God, we’re going to have a conversation?” Nathan said with just a hint of a groan.
“Trust me, we’re equally unhappy about it.” Duke said, nodding his head in agreement.
“Okay then, let’s get it over with as quickly as possible.” Nathan said.
“You know how I hate Jordan, right?”
“This is what you wanted to talk about?” Nathan raised his eyebrows.
Duke just stared him down. “I hate Jordan, she hates me too, and I figure that’s fine. I got to shoot her that one time. So it makes things a little easier, for me anyways.”
“That’s not funny.”
“No, its…it’s really not.” Duke agreed. “My point though, me and Jordan, couldn’t be on further sides if we wanted to be. But today, at the station, she was right.”
“About what exactly?”
“You’re going to get yourself killed.”
“I have it under control.” Nathan said.
“No, you think you have it under control, but you don’t.” Duke shook his head, “And that’s exactly my point. You always think you have it under control, always think you know what’s best…You are not Audrey, Nathan. You aren’t immune to the troubles. You can’t do what she did.”
“Maybe not, but there’s no one else to do it. And that’s on me.” Nathan said, “So until we get her back-”
“Get her back so she can kill you, right?” Duke asked, “That’s your big plan. We find Audrey, hope the barn spit out the same girl that went in, hope she still loves you and more than that loves you more than anyone or anything else, and then we shove a gun in her hands and then, well then all of our troubles are over, aren’t they?”
Duke took a step closer, his mocking tone only increasing. “That’s the great master plan you came up with. The one to dissolve you of your sins, right? You get dead and the town gets better.”
“You got a better plan you haven’t been sharing with the class?” Nathan asked standing up and moving around the table so they were closer, to make his point, to prove he was right, like always. “Do you know something I don’t? The barn start whispering its secrets to you too?”
“I know Audrey.” Duke said, “And I know whether she came out of that barn as herself or as someone new, she would never kill you. Not to end the troubles, not to save the damn world. That’s not who she is. And some part of you knows that too and is just ignoring it.”
“It’s the only way-”
“Why because you said so? Because Howard said so?”
“James said it too.”
“Well you know what, I think you’re all seriously screwed up in the head.” Duke said, “And in case you hadn’t noticed, neither of them are around to explain it. To tell us how this whole things works. But you know, none of this is gonna matter. Not really, because if Audrey does show up again, the way you’re going I’m the only one that’s going to get to see her.”
“I’ll be fine.” Nathan said, “I didn’t even feel-”
“You never feel it! But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.” Duke said, “And God help me, but I think you like it.”
“Now who’s being ridiculous?” Nathan shook his head and moved to turn away (run away) from him.
“What? Don’t like honesty all of a sudden?”
“Trust me, I don’t expect honesty from you, Duke. I never have.” Nathan turned back to glare at him.
(Turned back to increase the hurt the words caused. Nathan always knew the right buttons to push, even when he wasn’t at the top of his game.
But then, so did Duke, and Duke…Duke had always been better when it came to hurting people, intentionally or not.)
“You’ve never expected a lot from me. No one has.” Duke said, “But you, you were always different. Chief Wuornos son, destined to walk that righteous path, to be his father’s son. You always made the right choices, always did the right thing. Until you didn’t. And now the town hates you and you think they’re right, you think you deserve everything they dish out, because you couldn’t let her go and it cost you everything.”
“And I think every time you step up to a troubled person, every time a member of the guard threatens retribution, you welcome it. Because you think it’s what you deserve.”
“I’m trying to save the town. I’m trying to hold it together until Audrey gets back and I can fix this permanently.”
Nathan was yelling now. And it took Duke a minute to realize it was because he had been yelling for a while now. Nathan had always been able to bring out that side of him, and vice versa, to say the least.
“I don’t care whatever theory you’ve concocted, I don’t care that you think what I’m doing is wrong.” Nathan told him, “You’re opinion doesn’t matter to me. I don’t know what gave you the impression that it did.”
Duke looked away, fought back all his impulses to strike back, before he stopped and just swung at him instead, sending Nathan to the floor from the impact of his fist meeting Nathan’s face.
“Do you care now? Is that what takes to get your attention?”
Nathan wiped at the blood at his mouth with his sleeve, looking up at Duke with wide eyes.
“You have no idea how much I wish that actually hurt.” Duke said, and he meant it he really did. Nathan was giving up before his eyes, a little more every day, and Duke didn’t know what to do to save him.
(Crockers were built to destroy, not save. Wasn’t that what everyone kept telling him?)
“Do you know why I did what I did today? Why I risked my life, why I put Jennifer and Dwight at risk? I didn’t do it so you could die and end the troubles. I didn’t do it so you could die at some later date. I did it because Audrey wouldn’t want you to die. I did it because I don’t want you to. So maybe, while you’re busy making all your plans, you should start factoring things like that in. Because Audrey’s not going to kill you and I’m not going to let anyone else do it either.”
Duke turned away. Nathan was still watching him, looking up at him with questioning eyes, confused and unsure, and Duke didn’t think anything he had said had gotten through to him. Not really. He didn’t know why he thought it would.
“You know,” Duke paused at the stairs, “You’re out there trying to be everybody else’s Audrey…And you’re failing at it, because you can’t be her. No one can. And I can’t be her for you either.”
(Duke wasn’t Audrey, he didn’t know how to save anyone, how to help Nathan.
He didn’t even know how to save himself.)