Entry 05, Cursed: Chapter 1
Title: Cursed - Chapter 1 - A Letter From My Father
Entry Number: 05
Author: y3llowdaisi3s
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Angst
Spoiler Warnings: None
Word Count: 3345
Author's Note: The story continues from Abraxas's perspective
Spring, 1995
My Dear Son,
It hurts me to have to part with this information in such a manner, but you leave me little choice.
It has been over four years since I’ve last seen you or my little cherub. He has grown so much. Narcissa has sent me letters full of stories and pictures. I miss him so; I only hope that I can see him once more before I depart from this world. He is my future, the Malfoy future, and it is very important that Draco understands that. You need to understand that.
I know that the way I raised you could have left more to be desired. And I know that you are raising your son, my cherub, in a similar fashion. I simply ask that you disregard everything that I have ever taught you. It is important that Draco understands love, and more than just the love of one’s family. He must understand tolerance, growth, and respect. Teach him not to put fear into the hearts of those we have deemed inferior, teach him to show kindness where you or I would have shown animosity. He is the future of the Malfoy family, and I fear that because of my mistakes I have doomed him.
I know that you have distanced yourself from me, and at one point in my life, I would not blame you. I understand that my undermining your teachings has forced your hand, but I had my reasons.
Over twelve years ago, just before your grandfather passed away, you may recall me leaving for a mission. Although our Lord was gone, I said the mission would allow us to continue in his name without drawing any more suspicion to our family. I apologize now, my son, for that was only the partial truth. While I managed to rid this world of another Muggle, it was not to continue in the name of our Lord. It was for personal vengeance.
Yes, I can see you now, rolling your eyes at your father. Now boy, do not be petulant now, I just very well may be dead. Respect your ancestors, you know better! I understand you cannot comprehend what sort of quarrel I would have with a muggle, but his existence has proven most distressing.
Now let me explain. There is a history to our family that I have kept from you simply because speaking it would make it real, and I did - no, could - not allow my delusions to shatter.
Now, you have been very lucky to marry for love. Yes, it was arranged, but we did not draw up the contract until you were sure of your love. This was at your Grandfather Brutus’ insistence. Now, you know very well that the Malfoy creed insists that we marry for the betterment of the family, and such a notion as love is to be secondary. Your grandfather refused to allow my mother to continue in that vein, and forbade that I do it to you. I would also forbid you from simply arranging a marriage for Draco, but I now that your and Cissy’s love for him would not allow you to pressure him into a marriage he did not want. I can honestly tell you that he will never love the Parkinson girl or the Greengrass sisters.
This brings me to the crux of why I had changed my views, and tried to ensure that Draco would grow up in a way different than you or me. When your grandfather was on his deathbed… Actually, I’m skipping some important details.
First, how much do you recall about your grandparents’ marriage? I want you to think about all the times you’ve ever seen them together. Did they ever behave in a way similar to your mother and me? How you and your lovely wife act?
It makes me shudder to think back on it. Their marriage was not a marriage founded on love.
That was the family I lived with. My parents just did not love each other. I don’t think my father could love her. And in many ways, I felt that he did not love me. How could he love me? I was the by-product of a sham of a marriage.
As I said earlier, I had illusions of a loving family, that I grew up in a home similar to what you experienced, but no. I did not. My father was very much an absentee father, in my life at the bare minimum. He was always away from the Manor.
The only time I ever really spent with him was when he was training me to take his place as head of the family or the business. Outside of that, the only time he spoke to me was to disagree with mother on purity. Your grandmother, being a Rowle, was very adamant that we maintain a Pureblood line. In her words, she “didn’t marry into the most ancient and noble family of Malfoy only to have her heir ruin it.” Luckily for me, I fell in love with Artemis Nott, so mother did not oppose the love-match.
But I digress; I need not delve into my history much further. What is important is that you understand my relationship with my father. I apologize, in that, I think that this has had the largest effect of our own relationship. It was simply too late when I realized the errors of my ways, you were a grown man, a father yourself.
I thought that I could fix things through Draco, be the grandfather that he deserved. Do right by him. Alas, you thwarted me in that regard and I feel that being a terrible father to you may be my largest regret. I am sorry, my son. I want you to know that I was - am proud of you. You must never forget this as I do not think I said it enough in life.
Maybe this is just the Malfoy way. The father can only say he loves his son but once in their lives, and it’s upon their deaths. Do not allow this to happen to your son. Make sure Draco knows the love and pride of his father.
Now, as I said, my father was always away from the Manor, and when I started Hogwarts, it seemed he was never home. During my fifth year, my mother would write to me at school with complaints of not seeing him for a fortnight. I spoke with Headmaster Dippet and received permission to return home for a weekend to see to my mother. When I arrived, like my mother said, my father was nowhere to be found. I called for Bubbles, my father’s house-elf - and my elf now, who will be going to Draco, should he treat her right - and asked him to take me to my father. She apparated me behind the tree line near a park. When I asked her where we were, she told me we were in Bath - and as you can recall, that was where I went for my mission.
I will admit, since I am at death’s door, that was the first day that I had ever cried. My mother’s death, your mother’s death, nothing could break my heart as it did then. Here was my father, the epitome of a Pureblood scion, running around with a boy just a few years younger than me. Not only was my father smiling at the lad - which he had never done with me - he was absolutely affectionate with him. This Muggle was receiving the attention that I wanted my whole life. I could hardly stay and watch this, and as Bubbles apparated me back to the Manor I watched my father run his hand through the young man’s riotous curls.
It shames me to admit, but that was the Muggle I murdered. My jealousy forced me into the service of Lord Voldemort, and I took you with me down that evil path. He took my hatred for one person, and used it to poison my entire view of the world.
For years, I found myself hating my father. When he caught wind to what I did with my associates, he tried to discourage me, tried to remind me of what he taught me growing up, and this only angered me more. I spent years trying to find who this boy was, this boy who my father treated as his own son. It was not until a few months after our Lord’s disappearance that I had finally found him, this man named Benedict. I will confess, I originally wanted to take all that made him happy. Fortunately for his family, he was the only one home. So when I set fire to his home, I felt vindicated. My vengeance was upon me, and I felt that I never needed my father’s love.
Yet I was wrong. When my father became ill, he asked for me. He did not say the words I wished to hear, but I was given the looks, the familiar touch, I felt loved, I felt that I was the son he had always wanted. My boy that was when I felt remorse. The guilt started to eat at me and my nightmare only became worse.
Just after the New Year, my little cherub and I were visiting with father, when Bubbles called for me. There was a woman with long honey-colored curls seeking to speak with my father. She refused to look at me, but for some reason, I knew who she was and why she was there. My heart sank, and I will admit I feared for Draco’s life. I led her to father’s room, quickly grabbed Draco and left. I did not want any harm to touch him, but I was too late.
I left the door ajar, and stayed nearby after putting Draco in the nursery to play with Bubbles. What I heard, it scared me, and it was my entire fault. Lucius, I am so sorry. My jealousy, my rage, my shortcomings have caused all this, and in my errors I’ve only made the situation worse.
I heard her tell my father my sins. I heard her cries, and in that moment, I feared for my family. Your mother always said to fear a woman scorned, and here in my own home was a woman somehow related to the man whose life I took. When I was about to walk away I startled at hearing my father yell at her - not because he was yelling to the woman at a time like this, but at his words! He screamed at her “Draco?! He’s not even two!” I immediately recoiled and called for Bubbles to bring my cherub to me.
When Bubbles handed Draco to me, she was already walking herself out. She looked at me with a look of pity and that was the last time I had ever seen her.
When I went back into my father’s bedroom he was sitting up and trying to hide the tears that he had shed. Draco was reaching out for him and whimpered when he doesn’t grab his attention - my cherub, how he always wanted to be the person in the spotlight.
Please, please let him know that I love him. I miss him very, very much.
When my father was finally able to look at me, it wasn’t with the look of anger I had expected, but a look of regret. “My son, what have you done? Why would you do such a thing? How did you even find Benedict?”
I placed Draco into his lap and could not look him in the eyes. Since he was ordered to bed rest, I had realized my father loved me, and all of my jealous rage was for naught. Everything I did for the Dark Lord, including bringing you into the fray, was for naught. I did not know what to say to my father, the truth would hurt him as much as it hurt me; so I decided to be as vague as possible. “I thought he had something I never had.”
He sputtered at my response and just as he was about to ask me why I broke down and told him everything.
I told him of how it felt growing up. How I hated my mother simply because I blamed her for the relationship, or lack thereof, I had with my father. How I followed him once. How I saw him treat that boy. How it only fueled me and pushed me further away. And by the end of it all, my sobs had caused my cherub to cry just as hard.
Instead of going for Draco as I would have done, my father ignored the boy and pulled me into a hug. This was the first hug I had ever received from him.
While holding me, and soothing my sorrows, he told me of the woman who held his heart. Of Rosalind, and how utterly perfect she was. The way he spoke of her was the way I spoke of your mother, and the way you speak of your wife. I’ve only ever heard him speak in such a way when with Draco and it was enlightening. To hear him speak about his rebellion, how he refused to perform magic! All because the woman he loved was a squib! I know that the Malfoy way is to be devoted to your family, but for father to be so devoted to a woman he wasn’t even married to yet, it was frightening.
He told me of Benedict. How he was the only connection he had left of her. Seeing her was too painful but not knowing was excruciating. He met the boy at the Sydney Gardens, a park by his beloved’s new home. My father would visit with him often, just to hear about his family, but mostly about his mother. The last time he saw Benedict was after his own son was born; a little boy with the same brown unmanageable hair, by the name Sebastian.
By the end of his tale, Draco had fallen asleep and my eyes were dry. “And now, Abraxas, our cherub will only ever love some Muggle girl. If she is anything like my Rose, she will be quite a handful.” My father chuckled as he held Draco close and kissed his head, I remember, “At least she ensured that he would love her, I only hope that she can love him in return. I pray that their marriage will be everything that I hoped to have, be everything I tried to give you and to my grandson.”
I had looked into my father’s eyes, and I apologized for everything, for my grievous mistake, for my misunderstanding, for not being the son I should have been, and you know what he did, Lucius, he laughed at me!
“Oh son, you are perfect. I am sorry that I never showed you that I loved you, but never question that I did not. You made living bearable. I may not have had Rosalind, but I had you.”
Reliving my father’s last days has brought me great sorrow. My son, I regret many things, but most of all, I regret not being the father that I should have been. I love you Lucius, and please never question that. I have always thought I was doing what was best for my family, because family is all we have.
Remember that, my son. When everything turns south, and you find yourself abandoned, remember that you still have us, a family that loves you.
And now, with the last of my energy, Lucius, it is very important that you find this girl. I say this not for the Malfoy family, but so that my grandson can know love. I do not want to leave this world thinking that Draco will have to live like my father did. In my death, I must see to my father’s final wish. Draco will know love, no matter the cost.
Since I learned of this curse, I’ve tried to find a way to fix it, or at least pave the way for Draco. I immediately returned to Benedict’s home to learn about my future granddaughter, but only found Rosalind staring at the remains of her old home. “I always loved Brutus.” She had to turned to look at me, “Draco looks just like him. Make sure that he can love like my Brutus did and I’ll make sure that my princess will return that love.”
And before I could say or do anything, she walked away.
I was dumbfounded. I knew she was a squib, but I at least expected some Muggle violence. But no, she might as well have given her blessing to this future union.
When I came out of my stupor, I found her speaking with a young man who looked just like Benedict did. He held onto a little girl, no older than my cherub. The girl had the bushiest hair I had ever seen, and while those around her cried their eyes out, she simply wiped their tears off their cheeks and kissed them.
I thought of how Draco would love this girl. And I confess that I shuddered at the thought of him loving a Muggle, but then I realized his happiness is far more important.
I vowed to change performed an enchantment to protect her line. Lucius, the blood rite I performed was rather dark and I am quite possibly the first Malfoy to ever perform such a spell for the benefit of a Muggle.
My mother must have turned in her grave that day.
As long as there is a Malfoy living, Rosalind’s line cannot die of magical means. They will not be safe from torture, so be weary my son.
I have been trying to find her for you and for Draco. I may not have been in your life for the past few years, but I did what I could to ensure you all knew of my love. I placed an enchantment on Bath and did a reverse muggle-deflection spell. Wizards who do not know of it will avoid it. This will hopefully keep her safe. As long as she still lives there, that is.
I was able to find Sebastian a few years ago, I think just before my cherub’s second year, leaving The Leaky Cauldron. I do not know what that means, but while I hope their daughter is magical, I also hope that she is not. It isn’t safe now, and Draco’s happiness is dependent on her safety.
My mark is burning Lucius, but I will not be around for much longer. I have done all that I can. I tried to teach Draco the value of a person’s character over the importance of their blood. I hope that the years that we’ve been apart have not completely rendered those lessons useless.
Lucius, times are changing, and while there is a war on the horizon, I still fear for the aftermath.
Please, take care of our family. Ensure their safety; find a way to help Draco. Do what you must! Be the perfect Slytherin that I know you are and arrange for his future, no matter the final outcome.
Son, I love you and am proud of who you’ve become. We may have diverged on views in recent years, but you have always been a strong-willed man, and I would not ask for anything else.
Do not make the same mistakes that I have, do not make the same mistakes that my father has, break the chain, Lucius, and hopefully the Malfoy family can go into the future in peace.
Love eternally,
Your father,
Abraxas Nicholas Malfoy