i'm not myself.

[octobernights13]

Hey Livejournal. I don't wanna talk to anyone else about my emotions because frankly, no one would care and I'm not down to open up myself to anyone right now. So LJ - the deal right now in my life is that the love of my life, Kayla Kendric, is going to be gone out of my life because she needs to be single she says. I should've been writing down all the stuff in between what has happened since the last time I posted but I've been to down and lazy to try. To keep it simple: she really hurt me by doing what she wanted to do. I know she didn't do anything wrong, but it was a strike to the heart because I really didn't want her doing something and she did even though I asked her not to. Enough about that though. I should be furious, which I was. But... Kayla's true colors about really wanting to be single showed that night and her lashing out against me and just doing whatever she wants to do without regards to my feelings about said actions tells me that I have to let her go - for her own wants and needs and to save myself from getting hurt by her doing something that could really hurt deep and make me hate her. I don't want to hate her and I don't want her to feel she has to do something against my will to show she isn't controlled by me and doesn't have to worry about what I tell her to do or not do because "she can do whatever she wants to do whenever she wants to." I understand the situation. I understand that she wants to be single because it would make things easier for her, she will be able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants without having to let me know (cuz I'm protective) and she won't be bound to someone. Its really hard let the only girl you've completely let yourself fall in love with, just go. It really is. But if I really do love her, I should have enough power to let her go. I'm not letting go of her though completely. I will still talk to her because she is an amazing person and I love being around her and talking to her. We can be friends though. I'm not going to wait for her like an idiot though. I know she will get over me and she will find someone new and thats a reality I have to face. I know that I will eventually get over her... (I think...) and I will find someone else. But I'm not ruling out the possibility of her coming back to me whenever shes ready. I really want that to happen. I believe in true love and I think I share that with her. I hope she feels the same way. We will have to see what happens in the future.

I know I will miss her more than anything in the whole world - I already miss her, and we're not even 'broken up' yet.

This is hard.

I just want to be with her. Why can't she just not want to be single and we could be together forever and get married? I want that more than anything right now. God I love her.