Happiness :]
Hey Livejournal. I basically just went through the whole of my Livejournal archives and I deleted what needed to be deleted because I want to renew my Livejournal from all the bullshit of my life where I was obsessed and annoying. I can't believe of all the things that I've said on this livejournal - its hilarious yet, annoying to read what I've written. I was so naive and so immature sounding. I hope that reading this in the future, I don't think the exact same thing lol. Well I'm gonna tell you a little bit about whats going in my life at the moment.
Well, Its actually happened - I finally fulfilled my aspiration of finding someone who I can convey all of my affection and love for. Her name is Kayla Jean Kendric and she is everything that I want and everything that I've been hoping for in a relationship, and friendship. The whole thing is actually quite ironic. First off, Kayla told me she used to be obsessed with me in the 6th grade and she always knew me as the boy who had this obsession for Charis. She told me that she's always seen me as this guy who was unattainable and just "too out of her league." Its funny because I always viewed her as someone who was way too good for me. I always saw Kayla as this perfect Christian girl who only looked for a certain type of guy; obviously someone not like me. But then as my senior year was dwindling down to the wire, and Prom was coming up and I was without a date, fate chose to intervene. It was STAR Testing time, and as seniors, we didn't have to take them but we were required to stay in the Library or go to some lame assembly about drugs and violence or something. And lo n' behold - Kayla is stuck in the library with me and all the other intellectual people who are "preparing for IB and AP" tests. I haven't talked to Kayla in a long time but for whatever reason, I felt like she was the only person in that library that I could possibly talk to because we already had some history together being in some classes freshman year and 'knowing' each other in middle school. Kayla had such an amazing smile. I've always noticed that with her. Whenever she smiles, it just makes the whole room light up because you can tell that her smile is legitimate and real and it makes everything feel so comfortable. This encounter was the first step. This encounter led me to talk to Kayla more... but only in the myspace world, sadly. But what brought me and Kayla together? Charlie. Charlie bit me. I was on myspace and someone posted a bulletin about the youtube phenomenon "Charlie Bit Me", a little English boy and his baby brother and how the little baby brother would bite the older brother and make the older brother say in his ridiculously cute baby English acccent: Ouchhh - Charlie bit me. And that really hurt! Ouch Charlie! It was quite the hilarious thing, that it made me repost it on a bulletin. Fate rears his fateful head and this bulletin is in turn responded by Kayla Kendric to me. She tells me how hilarious that was and how I always find the most funny youtube videos. I then showed her the other funny baby video on youtube about "buhlud" where a small child says "blood" in the most hilarious fashion, that it makes you laugh because its so funny but then the little boy says "its not funnyyyy" and smiles and makes you crack up even more. Anyways, Kayla loves the videos and we start to talk via myspace. And how fateful of a conversation comes up but Prom.
Prom. I completely was in a panic. I didn't have a date and I was starting to lose hope and preparing to go to my senior prom alone - or possibly not even go. But when Kayla typed out those words of "So are you going to prom?" and she told me she was without a date [which I completely didn't even think would happen because I thought she would already have a date for SHURE], I was looking at fate straight in the face and he was smiling quite largely. I know that my actions of asking her to prom via myspace were lame and so.... gay... But I was just too excited to wait to ask her. As soon as it became me and Kayla going to prom, thats all I could think about. Thats all I cared about. Prom was going to be the best thing ever - and it was.
Prom. Prom was eventful. Besides the expensive food I had to pay for, and everything else that I had to pay for, and me almost screwing everything up with Kayla by dancing with another skanky girl [aka Jessica G], and feeling the wrath of Kayla - Everything was perfect because when Me and Kayla got to be alone, I could tell everything was going to be amazing between herself and I. And it was amazing. The start of something completely new. The start of something completely spectacular. The start of my infatuation with the girl of whom I will forever LOVE and keep close to my heart. Kayla is my first real love and I don't ever want to lose her.
What can I say about her that could emphasize how much I feel about her and how much she feels SO different from any other girl that I've felt something for. I can't. Its literally impossible. Its just this connection that I feel I've made with her that makes me feel this way. I know that I might sound naive to you for saying this kind of stuff, but I am 18 now - I have the knowledge and insight to understand what is actually there and what is "high school romance." I know what isn't real and what is real. I know the chances of Kayla and I resisting the harsh climates of college and the separation and the temptations. I know all the factors that could possibly disable this bond that I feel I share with Kayla. I know all of this, yet I feel that I can overcome it. I KNOW I can overcome this. I KNOW that she is someone I will fight for and never give up on. I KNOW she is the one for me. I KNOW she is someone I could spend the rest of my entire life with. Its crazy to envision the future sometimes; but then sometimes, its not hard at all. When its easy, I can easily visualize myself happy with Kayla, married and completely in love. "Whoa Trevor - getting a little naive for us." Actually, no not really. I'm not acting naive. I'm only telling you what I think is a future that has potential in my heart. I swear to everything in this world, that she is someone I could go far with. I swear she is someone I would want to risk all lives troubles with and life's hardships and parenting. I swear I will love Kayla forever and eternity.
I have so much more to say about everything. I want to outline all my negative thoughts. I want to play every angle. I want to say how impossible Kayla and I because shes moving away and I'm gonna be 30 minutes away while shes at Point Loma Nazarene College. I want to say how probable it is that we will not be together forever. I want to say all of these NEGATIVE thoughts because I want to see them written down so that I can clear them of my mind. I want to place them on here so that my mind doesn't have to fester with the pessimistic outlooks on my amazing accomplishments. I don't want to have those negative thoughts; those "realistic" thoughts because frankly - I don't give a fuck about thinking negatively. I know all the risks I'm taking, and I GLADLY WELCOME EVERY SINGLE ONE. I WELCOME THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE, I WELCOME THE PROBABILITY OF FAILURE, I WELCOME THE UNKNOWN. And why should I welcome all of these things? Because I have faith in myself and Kayla. I can see the future working out to how I want it to workout. I see everything working for me as long as I work for it. And she is definitely something I will work. Come thick or thin. Come anything. I will be there to see its out of my way of having her. I will never give up. I promise.
"On the Radio - Regina Spektor" - this sums up this feeling I feel:
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
Goodnight.
Well, Its actually happened - I finally fulfilled my aspiration of finding someone who I can convey all of my affection and love for. Her name is Kayla Jean Kendric and she is everything that I want and everything that I've been hoping for in a relationship, and friendship. The whole thing is actually quite ironic. First off, Kayla told me she used to be obsessed with me in the 6th grade and she always knew me as the boy who had this obsession for Charis. She told me that she's always seen me as this guy who was unattainable and just "too out of her league." Its funny because I always viewed her as someone who was way too good for me. I always saw Kayla as this perfect Christian girl who only looked for a certain type of guy; obviously someone not like me. But then as my senior year was dwindling down to the wire, and Prom was coming up and I was without a date, fate chose to intervene. It was STAR Testing time, and as seniors, we didn't have to take them but we were required to stay in the Library or go to some lame assembly about drugs and violence or something. And lo n' behold - Kayla is stuck in the library with me and all the other intellectual people who are "preparing for IB and AP" tests. I haven't talked to Kayla in a long time but for whatever reason, I felt like she was the only person in that library that I could possibly talk to because we already had some history together being in some classes freshman year and 'knowing' each other in middle school. Kayla had such an amazing smile. I've always noticed that with her. Whenever she smiles, it just makes the whole room light up because you can tell that her smile is legitimate and real and it makes everything feel so comfortable. This encounter was the first step. This encounter led me to talk to Kayla more... but only in the myspace world, sadly. But what brought me and Kayla together? Charlie. Charlie bit me. I was on myspace and someone posted a bulletin about the youtube phenomenon "Charlie Bit Me", a little English boy and his baby brother and how the little baby brother would bite the older brother and make the older brother say in his ridiculously cute baby English acccent: Ouchhh - Charlie bit me. And that really hurt! Ouch Charlie! It was quite the hilarious thing, that it made me repost it on a bulletin. Fate rears his fateful head and this bulletin is in turn responded by Kayla Kendric to me. She tells me how hilarious that was and how I always find the most funny youtube videos. I then showed her the other funny baby video on youtube about "buhlud" where a small child says "blood" in the most hilarious fashion, that it makes you laugh because its so funny but then the little boy says "its not funnyyyy" and smiles and makes you crack up even more. Anyways, Kayla loves the videos and we start to talk via myspace. And how fateful of a conversation comes up but Prom.
Prom. I completely was in a panic. I didn't have a date and I was starting to lose hope and preparing to go to my senior prom alone - or possibly not even go. But when Kayla typed out those words of "So are you going to prom?" and she told me she was without a date [which I completely didn't even think would happen because I thought she would already have a date for SHURE], I was looking at fate straight in the face and he was smiling quite largely. I know that my actions of asking her to prom via myspace were lame and so.... gay... But I was just too excited to wait to ask her. As soon as it became me and Kayla going to prom, thats all I could think about. Thats all I cared about. Prom was going to be the best thing ever - and it was.
Prom. Prom was eventful. Besides the expensive food I had to pay for, and everything else that I had to pay for, and me almost screwing everything up with Kayla by dancing with another skanky girl [aka Jessica G], and feeling the wrath of Kayla - Everything was perfect because when Me and Kayla got to be alone, I could tell everything was going to be amazing between herself and I. And it was amazing. The start of something completely new. The start of something completely spectacular. The start of my infatuation with the girl of whom I will forever LOVE and keep close to my heart. Kayla is my first real love and I don't ever want to lose her.
What can I say about her that could emphasize how much I feel about her and how much she feels SO different from any other girl that I've felt something for. I can't. Its literally impossible. Its just this connection that I feel I've made with her that makes me feel this way. I know that I might sound naive to you for saying this kind of stuff, but I am 18 now - I have the knowledge and insight to understand what is actually there and what is "high school romance." I know what isn't real and what is real. I know the chances of Kayla and I resisting the harsh climates of college and the separation and the temptations. I know all the factors that could possibly disable this bond that I feel I share with Kayla. I know all of this, yet I feel that I can overcome it. I KNOW I can overcome this. I KNOW that she is someone I will fight for and never give up on. I KNOW she is the one for me. I KNOW she is someone I could spend the rest of my entire life with. Its crazy to envision the future sometimes; but then sometimes, its not hard at all. When its easy, I can easily visualize myself happy with Kayla, married and completely in love. "Whoa Trevor - getting a little naive for us." Actually, no not really. I'm not acting naive. I'm only telling you what I think is a future that has potential in my heart. I swear to everything in this world, that she is someone I could go far with. I swear she is someone I would want to risk all lives troubles with and life's hardships and parenting. I swear I will love Kayla forever and eternity.
I have so much more to say about everything. I want to outline all my negative thoughts. I want to play every angle. I want to say how impossible Kayla and I because shes moving away and I'm gonna be 30 minutes away while shes at Point Loma Nazarene College. I want to say how probable it is that we will not be together forever. I want to say all of these NEGATIVE thoughts because I want to see them written down so that I can clear them of my mind. I want to place them on here so that my mind doesn't have to fester with the pessimistic outlooks on my amazing accomplishments. I don't want to have those negative thoughts; those "realistic" thoughts because frankly - I don't give a fuck about thinking negatively. I know all the risks I'm taking, and I GLADLY WELCOME EVERY SINGLE ONE. I WELCOME THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE, I WELCOME THE PROBABILITY OF FAILURE, I WELCOME THE UNKNOWN. And why should I welcome all of these things? Because I have faith in myself and Kayla. I can see the future working out to how I want it to workout. I see everything working for me as long as I work for it. And she is definitely something I will work. Come thick or thin. Come anything. I will be there to see its out of my way of having her. I will never give up. I promise.
"On the Radio - Regina Spektor" - this sums up this feeling I feel:
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
Goodnight.