And Cat.
Anna cringed as she rummaged through her mail and came upon the heavy card-shaped envelope. The paper was thick and decorated with lots of tacky silver filigree mouse droppings. She dropped her other mail on the kitchen table and sat down to tear the card open. Not that she really needed to, she knew what it would say: “Miss Anna Kaye and Guest.” Sure enough, tucked away in the outer-inner envelope with the confetti of bridal registry tickets and tissue paper, was the inner-inner envelope. And inside the inner-inner envelope was the tiny RSVP card that said “Miss Anna Kaye and Guest,” just like it always did.
She picked up the phone to dial Jeanette, her best friend and last line of defense against the married population of the world. Even Jeanette toed the line; she’d been dating Kahale for as long as she and Anna had been friends, and although marriage didn’t seem to be anywhere in the near future, a decade-long relationship surely qualified as close enough. Fortunately, Jeanette lived on the other side of the world, and that made it easy for Anna to forget that Jeanette was dangerously close to getting her Mrs.
“Jen? Did you check your mail yet today?”
“Ugh, yes. Can you believe she’s getting married? Married!”
“Yes, I can believe it, I just can’t believe she’s marrying him.”
“So, obviously, being here, I don’t have to go. Are you going?”
“We’ll I guess I kind of have to, don’t I? I mean she knows I live in town, she’d be offended if I didn’t go.”
“I guess. Well, get hammered, try to meet a decent-looking guy, and try to make the best of the situation. Don’t dwell on the whole s-word thing.”
“Single” Anna groaned. “Not that I’ll be able to help it. Everyone else we know from school is married or engaged or something already.”
“Jerrick’s not.”
“He’s gay.”
“Still not married.”
“The point is I’m an old maid, a cat lady.”
“You don’t have any cats”
There was a knock at Anna’s door.
“Jen, can you hold on a sec? Someone’s at my door.”
“No I gotta head out, call later”
Anna hung up the phone and headed to the door. She squinted at the peephole, and decided that peepholes are a stupid invention, and opened the door a crack.
“Can I help you?”
He was a thin man in a milkman’s uniform carrying a large brown box with holes in it.
“Yes, ma’am, I’m here with your delivery.”
She craned her neck to see behind the man. His white delivery truck was unmarked, a bad sign.
“I didn’t order anything, you must have the wrong house.” She began to shut the door.
“No, ma’am, I don’t think I do.” He set down the box between the door and the frame and checked the clipboard that was previously nestled under his right arm. “Anna Kaye, 1313 Honeysuckle Lane. That’s you, right?”
Anna shifted her weight to the leg that was behind the door, in uncomfortable compliance “Well, yes but I…”
“Great!” Said the deliveryman, whose nametag, now visible from the position change, read Sam. He pushed his way in the door.
“Um, hey buddy, I don’t really think you should be coming into my…” Anna protested as be brought the box, which was now meowing, into her kitchen.
“Not to worry ma’am, I just don’t want the box to be outside, they might get out and then we’d have a real mess on our hands.”
“They? What the hell is in that box anyway?”
“We’ll, ma’am, we had a bit of a delay back at the warehouse. Some papers got mixed up and well…” He shuffled the papers of his clipboard, “you kind of got stuck on back order.”
Anna was starting to get a little angry. No longer worrying that he was one of those delivery guy/rapists (too skinny), she just wanted to know what was in the damn box. She really hadn’t ordered anything, and she got the impression that whatever was in the box was alive.
“Look, Sam, I really didn’t order anything. So how could I be on back order, if I didn’t order anything?”
“Just a paperwork misunderstanding.” Sam said, still going through the papers on his clipboard, some of them now on the floor. “And in fact, we’re even giving you two free cats, to make up for the delay.”
“Cats? Is that what’s in that box?”
“Yes ma’am, well, kittens at least.” He opened up the box and inside was a dozen kittens of all colors. They meowed and clawed up the sides of the box
“Sam, now I know I didn’t order any cats…”
“Look, Miss,” Sam’s face suddenly squished in frustration, “I’ve had to do this all day long, so, I’m going to give it to you straight. You’re name is on the list, we get a notice, we deliver a cat. Our paperwork has been backed up, so we’re giving you all the cats we haven’t given to you yet. I just need to give you’re your supplies coupon, and I’ll be on my way.” He began scribbling in a little worn notepad, form-fitted to his back pocket.
Anna, equally frustrated, blinked, “What list? What notices? What the hell are you talking about? I don’t want any cats!”
"You've heard of cat ladies, right? Old maid's that have forty seven cats? Every road has one."
"I've been living here for a long time, and we don't have one on this road."
"Well, that’s because you’re it, lady. Every time you get an invitation to a wedding, and you don’t fill the plus one, a flag goes up on accounting's software. Then they call down to the warehouse, and tell my boss that someone has to fill an order. That order falls to me. Problem was, we had a slight mix-up with the software. Legacy Y2K bug, you understand? So, I'm here with a box-load of kittens." He finished scribbling on his notepad tore off a brightly colored certificate from his pocket pad. “Take this to your local pet store and they’ll give you all of your supplies, won’t cost you a dime.” He stuck the pad back in his Dickies, put the clipboard back in its underarm spot and turned towards the door.
“I don’t understand. What do cats have to do with wedding invitations?”
She followed the skinny cat-man as he headed out the still open door.
“You can’t be a crazy cat lady without cats, can you?”
(special thanks to Rich, and this shit's copyrighted © 2006 Laskowski)
She picked up the phone to dial Jeanette, her best friend and last line of defense against the married population of the world. Even Jeanette toed the line; she’d been dating Kahale for as long as she and Anna had been friends, and although marriage didn’t seem to be anywhere in the near future, a decade-long relationship surely qualified as close enough. Fortunately, Jeanette lived on the other side of the world, and that made it easy for Anna to forget that Jeanette was dangerously close to getting her Mrs.
“Jen? Did you check your mail yet today?”
“Ugh, yes. Can you believe she’s getting married? Married!”
“Yes, I can believe it, I just can’t believe she’s marrying him.”
“So, obviously, being here, I don’t have to go. Are you going?”
“We’ll I guess I kind of have to, don’t I? I mean she knows I live in town, she’d be offended if I didn’t go.”
“I guess. Well, get hammered, try to meet a decent-looking guy, and try to make the best of the situation. Don’t dwell on the whole s-word thing.”
“Single” Anna groaned. “Not that I’ll be able to help it. Everyone else we know from school is married or engaged or something already.”
“Jerrick’s not.”
“He’s gay.”
“Still not married.”
“The point is I’m an old maid, a cat lady.”
“You don’t have any cats”
There was a knock at Anna’s door.
“Jen, can you hold on a sec? Someone’s at my door.”
“No I gotta head out, call later”
Anna hung up the phone and headed to the door. She squinted at the peephole, and decided that peepholes are a stupid invention, and opened the door a crack.
“Can I help you?”
He was a thin man in a milkman’s uniform carrying a large brown box with holes in it.
“Yes, ma’am, I’m here with your delivery.”
She craned her neck to see behind the man. His white delivery truck was unmarked, a bad sign.
“I didn’t order anything, you must have the wrong house.” She began to shut the door.
“No, ma’am, I don’t think I do.” He set down the box between the door and the frame and checked the clipboard that was previously nestled under his right arm. “Anna Kaye, 1313 Honeysuckle Lane. That’s you, right?”
Anna shifted her weight to the leg that was behind the door, in uncomfortable compliance “Well, yes but I…”
“Great!” Said the deliveryman, whose nametag, now visible from the position change, read Sam. He pushed his way in the door.
“Um, hey buddy, I don’t really think you should be coming into my…” Anna protested as be brought the box, which was now meowing, into her kitchen.
“Not to worry ma’am, I just don’t want the box to be outside, they might get out and then we’d have a real mess on our hands.”
“They? What the hell is in that box anyway?”
“We’ll, ma’am, we had a bit of a delay back at the warehouse. Some papers got mixed up and well…” He shuffled the papers of his clipboard, “you kind of got stuck on back order.”
Anna was starting to get a little angry. No longer worrying that he was one of those delivery guy/rapists (too skinny), she just wanted to know what was in the damn box. She really hadn’t ordered anything, and she got the impression that whatever was in the box was alive.
“Look, Sam, I really didn’t order anything. So how could I be on back order, if I didn’t order anything?”
“Just a paperwork misunderstanding.” Sam said, still going through the papers on his clipboard, some of them now on the floor. “And in fact, we’re even giving you two free cats, to make up for the delay.”
“Cats? Is that what’s in that box?”
“Yes ma’am, well, kittens at least.” He opened up the box and inside was a dozen kittens of all colors. They meowed and clawed up the sides of the box
“Sam, now I know I didn’t order any cats…”
“Look, Miss,” Sam’s face suddenly squished in frustration, “I’ve had to do this all day long, so, I’m going to give it to you straight. You’re name is on the list, we get a notice, we deliver a cat. Our paperwork has been backed up, so we’re giving you all the cats we haven’t given to you yet. I just need to give you’re your supplies coupon, and I’ll be on my way.” He began scribbling in a little worn notepad, form-fitted to his back pocket.
Anna, equally frustrated, blinked, “What list? What notices? What the hell are you talking about? I don’t want any cats!”
"You've heard of cat ladies, right? Old maid's that have forty seven cats? Every road has one."
"I've been living here for a long time, and we don't have one on this road."
"Well, that’s because you’re it, lady. Every time you get an invitation to a wedding, and you don’t fill the plus one, a flag goes up on accounting's software. Then they call down to the warehouse, and tell my boss that someone has to fill an order. That order falls to me. Problem was, we had a slight mix-up with the software. Legacy Y2K bug, you understand? So, I'm here with a box-load of kittens." He finished scribbling on his notepad tore off a brightly colored certificate from his pocket pad. “Take this to your local pet store and they’ll give you all of your supplies, won’t cost you a dime.” He stuck the pad back in his Dickies, put the clipboard back in its underarm spot and turned towards the door.
“I don’t understand. What do cats have to do with wedding invitations?”
She followed the skinny cat-man as he headed out the still open door.
“You can’t be a crazy cat lady without cats, can you?”
(special thanks to Rich, and this shit's copyrighted © 2006 Laskowski)