this one's for aubs
dear LJ,
it's been a long time.
these days i'm struggling to understand how my struggle to understand why psychiatry is so painful for me can tell me something about who i am. if that makes sense. it's weird, i'm super interested, but it's so insanely painful. and it's not painful because it's sadder than any other illness. shit! other illnesses make even less sense to me! e.g. why someone's life should randomly be over because they happen to have childhood/young adult cancer that they had no control over. damn. it just doesn't make any sense.
maybe i'm struggling with myself. maybe i'm admitting to myself that some of my patients just drive me totally up the wall because of their illness... and that that makes me a bad person. maybe i'm annoyed at the general culture of psychiatry, because they seem to take no responsibility for the medical part, even though they ARE medical doctors. instead they get the medical students to do that part.
i'm kind of kidding though. it's 100% true, but i also wanted something dramatic to say for my first LJ post in years. i'm not really in crisis.
so... i've more or less put my life on hold for the past 3 years. (is that really true?) it makes me want to do something crazy. something totally nuts. like go on a dissociative fugue and set up a new identity for myself somewhere in the caribbean. or get pregnant the second i can get maternity leave. heh heh heh. or (even more crazy) keep going, don't drop out of school, do my residency, try not to spend any money and pay back my 1000's of $$'s to OSAP in under 5 years, and then get a job and save money and do what i'm kind of more or less supposed to.
or i could devote more time to the guitar! yes!
sincerely yours,
katharine
it's been a long time.
these days i'm struggling to understand how my struggle to understand why psychiatry is so painful for me can tell me something about who i am. if that makes sense. it's weird, i'm super interested, but it's so insanely painful. and it's not painful because it's sadder than any other illness. shit! other illnesses make even less sense to me! e.g. why someone's life should randomly be over because they happen to have childhood/young adult cancer that they had no control over. damn. it just doesn't make any sense.
maybe i'm struggling with myself. maybe i'm admitting to myself that some of my patients just drive me totally up the wall because of their illness... and that that makes me a bad person. maybe i'm annoyed at the general culture of psychiatry, because they seem to take no responsibility for the medical part, even though they ARE medical doctors. instead they get the medical students to do that part.
i'm kind of kidding though. it's 100% true, but i also wanted something dramatic to say for my first LJ post in years. i'm not really in crisis.
so... i've more or less put my life on hold for the past 3 years. (is that really true?) it makes me want to do something crazy. something totally nuts. like go on a dissociative fugue and set up a new identity for myself somewhere in the caribbean. or get pregnant the second i can get maternity leave. heh heh heh. or (even more crazy) keep going, don't drop out of school, do my residency, try not to spend any money and pay back my 1000's of $$'s to OSAP in under 5 years, and then get a job and save money and do what i'm kind of more or less supposed to.
or i could devote more time to the guitar! yes!
sincerely yours,
katharine