(no subject)
I usually do my best writing when sleep deprived and at ungodly hours of the morning. But alas, it doesn't always work. Sometimes, what I write turns out to be ridiculously hilarious instead. Posted below are a few actual excerpts from the first draft of the Luke app I wrote for edensphere. Eventually, the whole thing was scraped and rewritten, but these are a few gems. You know how some people write tl;dr apps with a lot of unnecessary information? Yeah, this was turning out to be one of those. XD
In Engeve, Luke once again proves his ignorance to How the World Works™ as he takes an apple from a grocer without paying and when confronted, haughtily retorts something to the effect of: Why should I have to pay? He soon learns that a rash of food thefts have been taking place over the last couple of weeks and is promptly arrested for theft. 8D
Being accused of theft and suspected as a member of the Dark Wings, Luke is brought before Jade, but Tear attests to his innocence: she knows that the army forced the bandits onto the Kimlascan side of the border. Jade, the very commander who had been pursuing the Dark Wings in a land ship called the Tartarus, recognizes the two as having been passengers in the Coach Nearly Caught Up in the Crossfire and that We Almost Steamrolled Over™, vouches for his innocence.
Luke is released, Tear pays for the apple anyway, and the two head for an inn.
Either way, Luke moves on, deciding to hunt down the food thieves himself to further prove his innocence and searching for paper to write a diary entry on, much to Tear's surprise: the haughty, world-ignorant little priss keeps a diary?
Luke makes another discovery: Tear's last name is Grants, and she is none other than his Master Van's younger sister. Before he can demand an answer as to why she tried to kill her own brother, a cheagle pops out of the shrubbery, and having ADHD, Luke pursues the cheagle only to completely overlook the whole 'sister trying to kill brother' issue until it is brought up again at a later date. 8D
The rag-tag group is forced decides to take Mieu, the cheagle who had caused the fire in the first place, and the Sorcerer's Ring over to the ligers' new den to try to negotiate with the monsters to leave the area and leave the little buggers who destroyed their home alone. 8D Turns out that the Alpha Mommy Liger is protecting her eggs--eggs that will soon hatch and release little man-eating liger cubs on the village of Engeve--and that she's really, really upset that they: A) burned down her home to begin with, B) are now trying to run her out of her new home, and C) approached her when her eggs were ready to hatch. She roars and bellows and some tree branches fall towards the group, but Luke protects Mieu for some reason, even though he finds the little blue thing annoying.
In an effort to protect both the cheagles and the village of Engeve, Luke and Tear fight with the Alpha Mommy Liger in the first boss fight of the game: one of those really annoying You Can't Actually Win This Fight™ kinds. Their attacks do nothing! What do they do now?! And just when all seems hopeless, they are saved by a level 45 Colonel Jade Curtiss!
The group reports to the Cheagle Elder about what happened to the ligers, and Mieu is promptly excommunicated from the cheagle pack and doomed assigned to serve Luke. After all, Luke saved his life, and Cheagles do not forget their debts, much to Luke's chagrin.
Before they are able to leave the Cheagle Woods, Luke and Tear are arrested by Jade who had Anise get the Tartarus right up next to the forest for easy capturing. 8D
After Luke proves himself useless in killing people--he'd never been in a real fight against other people before, much less had he ever killed them--the Tartarus was taken over by four of the six God-Generals: Largo the Black Lion, who managed to seal Jade's fonic artes using a fon slot seal that makes his level plummet from 45 to like... 7 darnit; Legretta the Magic Bullet, who took Ion away to some place after Anise was pushed off the Tartarus, yelling, "I'LL KILL YOU BASTARDS!!!!f3ej4yajr∑å∞∆˙35q93uh!!!" on her way down; Arietta the Wild, a furry who had been raised by the same Alpha Mommy Liger the party had just finished killing; and Asch the Bloody. Who aside from taunting Luke, having long red hair, and trying to kill the party as opposed to fulfilling his orders (capture them alive), we know nothing about. 8D
Either way, the party is captured and locked up while Ion is taken away somewhere to do something, but eventually they break out because Jade haxx0rs the Tartarus.
At the Fubras River, the group is attacked by Arietta the Wild who wants revenge on Jade specifically, since he probably maybe most likely dealt the final blow the party for killing her mother; however, before a boss battle can take place, an earthquake hits, and Arietta collapses.
At Kaitzur, the group encounters an angry Anise who wasn't allowed to cross the border for her lack of a passport. In fact, none of them would be allowed to cross the border since absolutely none of them had passports, inclusive of Guy who most likely invaded Malkuth as well, all things considered.
Tear was ready to attack Van again, but because the Kaitzur guards were looking at her funny, she decided to put off her assassination attempt for later.
When Van learns about the party's noble intentions in stopping the outbreak of a war, he offers his aid by promising to tell the God-Generals to lay off! As the Commandant, the Six God-Generals are actually directly under him, though they seemed to be acting under orders of Grand Maestro Mohs and to be completely ignoring Van's instructions. Nonetheless, Van did do something useful: he brought passports!
At the Kaitzur military port, Kimlascan side, a scene of chaos was waiting. The boat the group was to take back to Baticul was aflame, the maintenance chief flown away to Choral Castle by Arietta and one of her furry monster brethren.
Van advised against listening to Asch's demands and said that he would deal with the rebellious God-General himself, but after being told that the maintenance chief did not have Dying in the Near Future™ written in his Score and knowing that going against the Score would be a bad idea, the group goes after him to save him from unpredetermined death, though Ion would insist he felt it necessary to save the man, not just because of the Score but because he was a nice guy.
Nope, Choral Castle had no pings for Luke, but Guy did get to throw Anise off of his back in a fit of part trauma-induced gynophobia, Jade did get to be pinged by a mysterious machine that Luke got to be abducted, knocked out, and thrown into later. 8D Dist the Reaper, God-General sitting in a floating fontech controlled chair with a strange obsession for Jade, and Sync the Tempest, little God-General wearing a funny bird-shaped mask, had done something to Luke using the machine that Jade claimed he did not know the use for. Something about synchronized fon slots and perfectly matched fonic frequencies, but in any case, before Sync could get away with a fon disc of the information he'd extracted from Luke, Guy got his hands on it, and they discover Sync's awful voice acting.
Luke gets a wonderful lecture on game mechanics from Tear and then a weird headache--one of those ones wherein you hear voices and have little swirly rainbow things around you (granted, they're not very common these days). He lost control of his body to the disembodied voice and wound up blowing a hole through the side of the ship before he was calmed down by Van's very gay holding him from behind and whispering sweet yoga instructions into his ear.
Fully believing his Master's words, Luke continued down his puppeted path of fail.
I think I should perhaps try to continue writing this one day, haha.
In Engeve, Luke once again proves his ignorance to How the World Works™ as he takes an apple from a grocer without paying and when confronted, haughtily retorts something to the effect of: Why should I have to pay? He soon learns that a rash of food thefts have been taking place over the last couple of weeks and is promptly arrested for theft. 8D
Being accused of theft and suspected as a member of the Dark Wings, Luke is brought before Jade, but Tear attests to his innocence: she knows that the army forced the bandits onto the Kimlascan side of the border. Jade, the very commander who had been pursuing the Dark Wings in a land ship called the Tartarus, recognizes the two as having been passengers in the Coach Nearly Caught Up in the Crossfire and that We Almost Steamrolled Over™, vouches for his innocence.
Luke is released, Tear pays for the apple anyway, and the two head for an inn.
Either way, Luke moves on, deciding to hunt down the food thieves himself to further prove his innocence and searching for paper to write a diary entry on, much to Tear's surprise: the haughty, world-ignorant little priss keeps a diary?
Luke makes another discovery: Tear's last name is Grants, and she is none other than his Master Van's younger sister. Before he can demand an answer as to why she tried to kill her own brother, a cheagle pops out of the shrubbery, and having ADHD, Luke pursues the cheagle only to completely overlook the whole 'sister trying to kill brother' issue until it is brought up again at a later date. 8D
The rag-tag group is forced decides to take Mieu, the cheagle who had caused the fire in the first place, and the Sorcerer's Ring over to the ligers' new den to try to negotiate with the monsters to leave the area and leave the little buggers who destroyed their home alone. 8D Turns out that the Alpha Mommy Liger is protecting her eggs--eggs that will soon hatch and release little man-eating liger cubs on the village of Engeve--and that she's really, really upset that they: A) burned down her home to begin with, B) are now trying to run her out of her new home, and C) approached her when her eggs were ready to hatch. She roars and bellows and some tree branches fall towards the group, but Luke protects Mieu for some reason, even though he finds the little blue thing annoying.
In an effort to protect both the cheagles and the village of Engeve, Luke and Tear fight with the Alpha Mommy Liger in the first boss fight of the game: one of those really annoying You Can't Actually Win This Fight™ kinds. Their attacks do nothing! What do they do now?! And just when all seems hopeless, they are saved by a level 45 Colonel Jade Curtiss!
The group reports to the Cheagle Elder about what happened to the ligers, and Mieu is promptly excommunicated from the cheagle pack and doomed assigned to serve Luke. After all, Luke saved his life, and Cheagles do not forget their debts, much to Luke's chagrin.
Before they are able to leave the Cheagle Woods, Luke and Tear are arrested by Jade who had Anise get the Tartarus right up next to the forest for easy capturing. 8D
After Luke proves himself useless in killing people--he'd never been in a real fight against other people before, much less had he ever killed them--the Tartarus was taken over by four of the six God-Generals: Largo the Black Lion, who managed to seal Jade's fonic artes using a fon slot seal that makes his level plummet from 45 to like... 7 darnit; Legretta the Magic Bullet, who took Ion away to some place after Anise was pushed off the Tartarus, yelling, "I'LL KILL YOU BASTARDS!!!!f3ej4yajr∑å∞∆˙35q93uh!!!" on her way down; Arietta the Wild, a furry who had been raised by the same Alpha Mommy Liger the party had just finished killing; and Asch the Bloody. Who aside from taunting Luke, having long red hair, and trying to kill the party as opposed to fulfilling his orders (capture them alive), we know nothing about. 8D
Either way, the party is captured and locked up while Ion is taken away somewhere to do something, but eventually they break out because Jade haxx0rs the Tartarus.
At the Fubras River, the group is attacked by Arietta the Wild who wants revenge on Jade specifically, since he probably maybe most likely dealt the final blow the party for killing her mother; however, before a boss battle can take place, an earthquake hits, and Arietta collapses.
At Kaitzur, the group encounters an angry Anise who wasn't allowed to cross the border for her lack of a passport. In fact, none of them would be allowed to cross the border since absolutely none of them had passports, inclusive of Guy who most likely invaded Malkuth as well, all things considered.
Tear was ready to attack Van again, but because the Kaitzur guards were looking at her funny, she decided to put off her assassination attempt for later.
When Van learns about the party's noble intentions in stopping the outbreak of a war, he offers his aid by promising to tell the God-Generals to lay off! As the Commandant, the Six God-Generals are actually directly under him, though they seemed to be acting under orders of Grand Maestro Mohs and to be completely ignoring Van's instructions. Nonetheless, Van did do something useful: he brought passports!
At the Kaitzur military port, Kimlascan side, a scene of chaos was waiting. The boat the group was to take back to Baticul was aflame, the maintenance chief flown away to Choral Castle by Arietta and one of her furry monster brethren.
Van advised against listening to Asch's demands and said that he would deal with the rebellious God-General himself, but after being told that the maintenance chief did not have Dying in the Near Future™ written in his Score and knowing that going against the Score would be a bad idea, the group goes after him to save him from unpredetermined death, though Ion would insist he felt it necessary to save the man, not just because of the Score but because he was a nice guy.
Nope, Choral Castle had no pings for Luke, but Guy did get to throw Anise off of his back in a fit of part trauma-induced gynophobia, Jade did get to be pinged by a mysterious machine that Luke got to be abducted, knocked out, and thrown into later. 8D Dist the Reaper, God-General sitting in a floating fontech controlled chair with a strange obsession for Jade, and Sync the Tempest, little God-General wearing a funny bird-shaped mask, had done something to Luke using the machine that Jade claimed he did not know the use for. Something about synchronized fon slots and perfectly matched fonic frequencies, but in any case, before Sync could get away with a fon disc of the information he'd extracted from Luke, Guy got his hands on it, and they discover Sync's awful voice acting.
Luke gets a wonderful lecture on game mechanics from Tear and then a weird headache--one of those ones wherein you hear voices and have little swirly rainbow things around you (granted, they're not very common these days). He lost control of his body to the disembodied voice and wound up blowing a hole through the side of the ship before he was calmed down by Van's very gay holding him from behind and whispering sweet yoga instructions into his ear.
Fully believing his Master's words, Luke continued down his puppeted path of fail.
I think I should perhaps try to continue writing this one day, haha.