Incident - why a disabled asexual would feel uncomfortable with desexualizing PWDs
(This is mostly a personal, rather than a political, post, despite the title. And yes, I do realize how ironic/WTF/whatever it is to have Tyrion for an icon in a post about asexuality, but I found it slightly more fitting than the Magneto icon, so yeah
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No, it's not petty of you, and you're not looking for something to be offended about. You are not asking people to direct unwanted sexual attention at you, you are asking to be respected as a full and valuable human being. You are also expecting that people do not center themselves in their expectations of the sexualities of others (i.e. "You are undesirable to me as a disabled person, so it's a good thing you don't want sex since no one would want, or should want, sex with you anyway").
Have you seen this video? swankivy, who is asexual and "normatively attractive", discusses being expected to be flattered with unwanted attention. Well, no. And when she objects, people say she's "just looking for something to be offended about".
The problem in both your case and her case, as I see it, is that how you so-called "should" want to be treated, and what you so-called "should" want sexually, is not being decided by how you do want to be treated, and what you do (or do not) want sexually, but by the jerks who say these kinds of things.
In her case, she "should" want the attention, and in your case, you "should not" -- both are equally wrong to impose on others. (Obviously, the "should not" case also involves ableism, etc. Also, in my opinion, "Your unusual mouth doesn't really do it for me but..." is one of those "you should be undesirable" backhanded microaggressions, and is sexist and ableist and hetero-normative all in one.) "Should", in both your case and
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I did actually tell him that I was upset about it earlier today, but ended up not feeling very good about it even if it didn't go badly. As far as the ableism goes at least (which, for me, hits the hardest), I can't really tell anyone else what to want nor am I wanting this person to like me, so the part that really gets to me - namely, that I worry that most people just automatically place me in the "reject" pile as far as any possibility of relationships go - has no solution that is possible or that really makes sense in this situation. And, as much as he was out of line, I don't like going to someone saying "You fucked up, but nothing you do will actually make it substantially better," because I sure as hell wouldn't like to hear that. I guess at least this time around, I didn't just continue on like nothing had happened, but it still doesn't really feel that great.
Also, today things got kind of exacerbated about the whole disability thing at a mental health-related appointment today (not my usual therapist, but someone I made an appointment with after what happened on Monday)... the psychologist asked me about why I hadn't gotten surgery to change my appearance because it would open so many doors and all that (both job-wise and personally), and it took several attempts on my part before he laid off on that. It was not my finest moment of arguing by any standard, and even though he eventually did back off, it still hurt like hell, because it basically reinforced the "God, are you ever fucked" feelings I've been having all week. Thankfully, again, I was able to be more pissed than I was sad, but still... not great.
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