I Can't Harem At All
Another fill for the kink meme! This prompt asked for Critic having a harem that was unnaturally obsessed with him and I had lots of fun thinking up creepy things they could do to the poor guy. I included some fan-favorite Critic pairings and some of my own personal favorites, and just like in a real harem anime/manga series, if you don't like who Critic ended up with you can choose your favorite reviewer and pretend they're a couple instead!
The title is a line from Chip during a game of Newsflash. I had to use it because of the harem pun. XD
Nostalgia Critic awoke to bright sunlight assaulting his eyes and annoyingly cheerful humming.
“What the hell?” He put on his glasses and watched the Nerd pull back the curtains to his bedroom windows before setting down a tray of food.
“Good fucking morning,” he said with a smile. Critic moaned and pulled the covers back over his head.
“Too early. Come back later.”
“Sorry, Critic, but you’ve already had your allotted 8 hours of sleep, so it’s time to get up.” Critic peeked his head back out to witness Nostalgia Chick walk into his room balancing another tray of food and a clipboard in her arms. Nerd shot her an annoyed look.
“What the fuck is that? It’s my turn to make him breakfast.” Chick set down her tray and shoved the clipboard into Nerd’s chest.
“If you’d read the schedule like I told you to, you would have seen that today is my day to make breakfast for Critic. You’re supposed to be doing his laundry and getting gas for his car.”
When people had come to Critic asking if he would be interested in having his own personal balanced harem, he’d been instantly intrigued by the idea. Who wouldn’t want a group of people offering to do things for him, all sorts of things, while only wanting a bit of affection in return? Critic hadn’t even been forced to do much more than deliver a few kisses so far, since the harem was still sorting out how the more intimate relations would be handled. He hadn’t counted on them starting so early in the morning, however.
“He should still eat my breakfast,” Nerd complained, despite verifying that Chick’s notes were indeed correct. “I made all of his favorite foods.”
“Those foods are completely unhealthy,” Chick argued as she pointed at the plate of bacon and toast slathered in butter and jam. “Critic’s doctor has been concerned about his cholesterol level. That’s why I made him a breakfast that’s nutritious and low in calories, yet still tasty.” Critic seemed slightly taken aback.
“When did you talk to my doctor, Chick? And isn’t it illegal for him to tell you any of my personal information?”
“Don’t worry,” Chick said. “No one knows the record room was broken into.”
“He can still eat my breakfast,” Nerd insisted to Chick, neither one noticing the unsettled expression Critic now bore. “One meal is not going to fucking kill him.”
“Do you really want to take that chance?” Chick asked. Nerd frowned.
“He likes my food better than that shit you’re trying to force down his throat. Go ahead and ask him which one he likes better.”
Critic pulled back his covers, ready to stand up and reassure the two that he would happily eat both their meals, when he realized there was a peacefully sleeping body curled up beside him.
“What the fuck? Film Brain?!” Film Brain’s eyes flew open and he stared lovingly at the other man.
“Good morning, Mr. Critic.”
“You little ass-weasel!” Nerd grabbed the younger man by the neck of his pajama top and shook him roughly. “You know none of us are allowed to sleep with Critic yet!”
“O-oh, is that where I am?” Film Brain put on an expression of utter surprise that was ruined mainly by his joyful smile. “I must have started to walk around in my sleep again and accidentally ended up in the wrong bed.” Chick narrowed her eyes at him.
“You know the rules, Film Brain. If you have unauthorized sex with Critic, you’ll be kicked out of the harem.” Film Brain’s expression grew horrified.
“But we didn’t have sex! I only slept at his side to make sure he was safe all night, and then, well, I did cuddle him a little, but only to make sure he was still breathing! I swear, that’s all!”
“What do you mean, ‘That’s all’?” Critic snapped, looking anything but pleased. “You climbed into my bed without asking me! I feel violated!” Chick looked down at her clipboard and frowned.
“We should kick his ass out,” Nerd demanded, still fuming. “And I want a turn sleeping in Critic’s bed too! Tonight!”
“Don’t I get some say in who I sleep with?” Critic asked, now irritated.
“That’s a very good question. The answer is no.” Everyone turned as Ask That Guy entered the room. “It’s only fair that we draw up a schedule that allows each of us to use him as we please for one night of the week. Only I get two nights, because it was my idea.”
Critic recoiled a little.
“Hey, I never said you could be in my harem, you psychopath! And why aren’t there more women who want in on this?” Ask That Guy chuckled.
“Of course I’m in your harem, Critic. Who else knows more about you and how to make you happy than me?” Critic was about to respond with everyone else in the entire world when he realized Chick was writing again.
“Okay, so I think I have the schedule drawn up,” she said. “Ask That Guy can have the weekend, while we three will take a weekday, and then on Friday we’ll all be with Critic together.” The others seemed fine with this. Critic looked at them in disbelief.
“I am not agreeing to this, you know.”
“So, uh, are there going to be any rules about what we have to wear when we’re sharing a bed?” Nerd asked. Critic hesitated.
“Uh, well I think-”
“Mmm, nah,” Chick interrupted as she started scribbling something on her clipboard. “I’m just going to go ahead and put down ‘Clothing Optional’ right now so we don’t have to debate the issue later.”
“Now wait a minute,” Critic said, his voice becoming comically high thanks to his nerves. “I said I’m not agreeing to-”
“Can’t we just make that a general rule?” Ask That Guy queried as he sucked on the end of his pipe. “It’d be so much easier when I slam Critic against the wall for a quickie if I didn’t have to worry about choking him with his own tie. Actually, that does sound like fun…”
“Hold it!” Critic was starting to sweat now as he realized that nothing he said was going to register with these most likely deranged people. “Don’t I have any say in this?”
“Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Critic.” Film Brain’s wide, adoration-filled eyes caused a swarm of goosebumps to quickly cover his skin. “I’ve already got a matching set of pyjamas we can both wear on my night! I just know they’ll fit you, since I’ve already taken your measurements!”
“Speaking of which, you already had your night, so it’s not your turn again for a week,” Chick said, making a note as she spoke.
“What? But that’s not fair! I didn’t know we were going to start doing this now!” Film Brain whined as he crawled to the end of the bed to pout pathetically at the others. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have come in here-I mean, I wouldn’t have accidentally sleep-walked into his bed.”
“Shut up, dickshit.” Nerd glared down at the younger man. “You’ve had your fun and now it’s my turn, which is why I’m taking him tonight.”
“I simply can’t wait until my nights with him.” Ask That Guy smiled in a most disturbing manner. “I just acquired the highly-desired ‘Gates-of-Hell Penis Plug’ and I am eager to test it out as soon as possible.”
Critic felt sick.
“I-I never agreed to this! You said my harem would listen to what I want, and I do not fucking want that creepy bastard and his fucked up toys anywhere near me!”
“I’ve been thinking about trying that,” Chick told Ask That Guy, oblivious to any protests. “The description really grabbed my attention and I think it would have good results with Critic. He’s really responded well to torture devices in the past, like my Nut Crusher.”
“Chick!” Critic’s face reddened as he stared angrily at the young woman.
“Yeah, I know,” Nerd added with a chuckle. “He just fucking loved this spiked chastity ring I always used make him wear.”
“Can I borrow that?” Film Brain tugged on the Nerd’s shirtsleeve, a slightly glazed expression in his eyes. “I want to make sure I please Mr. Critic as best I can too.”
“Get your own, fuckface.”
“Don’t worry,” Ask That Guy whispered into Film Brain’s ear. “You can borrow mine. I’ll even lend you the ones that have made him come the hardest.” Film Brain’s smile grew manic and Critic couldn’t take it anymore. He slid onto the floor as quickly as he could while his harem discussed the best methods for exploiting his masochistic side and scrambled for the bathroom, where he shut and locked the door in record time.
“I have to get those freaks out of my house,” Critic said. He paused to examine his reflection and realized he was sweating rather heavily. “But first, I need a shower.” After making sure the door and window were secure and absolutely could not be opened, Critic pulled back the shower curtain to turn on the water.
“Bonjour.”
Critic jumped a foot before scowling at the intruder in his shower.
“Damn it, Benzaie, you scared the fuck out of me! What are you doing here? How did you even get in my house?”
“I am so sorry for scaring you.” Benzaie took Critic’s hand and stroked it softly. “I’m here because I have decided to join your harem as well.”
“Isn’t that great?” Critic muttered, rolling his eyes as he yanked his hand back.
“I know, it is!” Benzaie’s glee only made Critic feel sicker. “So I thought we could celebrate by sharing a nice, steamy shower together!”
“I don’t know, Benzaie.” Critic slowly started to back toward the door. “I’m starting to re-think this whole harem idea.”
“I brought a soap-on-a-rope,” Benzaie said in a sing-song voice as he dangled it out before the taller man. “I’ll help you reach all those hard to get areas.”
“Hey, who the fuck’s in there with you!” Sudden pounding from the other side of the door made Critic’s heart leap into his throat.
“It’s just me!’” Benzaie called out. “I’m helping Critic with his shower. Most household accidents occur in the bathroom, you know, so I’m making sure to keep him safe!”
“That is a good point,” Chick murmured in response. “We should come up with a shared bathing schedule as well.”
“I’m first this time!” Film Brain exclaimed.
“Nooooooo!” Critic screamed at the top of his lungs as he shoved open the bathroom door, knocking the other harem members back several feet, and charged out of his room. They were hot on his heels, however, as he sped across the hallway and down the stairs, not even thinking about where he was running to but desperate for an escape.
To Critic’s and everyone’s surprise, he smacked directly into Linkara and rebounded hard enough to land flat on his ass.
“Critic, are you all right?” Linkara offered him a hand and a concerned look. “I didn’t know you were having some sort of race, so I’m sorry to have interrupted.”
“Oh God, Linkara! Save me!” Critic quickly flew behind the younger man and pressed close to his back, using him a human shield. Puzzled, Linkara turned to the others.
“What’s going on?”
“We’re Critic’s harem,” Chick replied. “We’re here to cater to his every whim and provide him with everything he could possibly need, as per his wishes.”
“I never wished for this!” Critic cried, still keeping Linkara protectively in between himself and the group. “I want you people out! Get out of my house right now!”
“Critic, you don’t mean that,” Chick said as she glanced down at her notes. “You’re just cranky from not eating breakfast yet.”
“You should wait until I make mine, Mr. Critic,” Film Brain chimed in. “I’ll make you a proper English breakfast.”
“I’ll let you try my croissant,” Benzaie offered while licking his lips.
“At least have a cup of coffee,” Ask That Guy said, holding out a steaming cup. “It’s fresh, and not at all laced with Rohypnol.”
“I said get out!” Critic was about to unleash another tirade against his harem when his arm was grabbed by Linkara.
“Nimue!” he called into a communicator. “Beam us aboard right now!”
A few moments later, Critic was stunned to find himself standing in the middle of an enormous spaceship.
“Holy shit.” He turned to Linkara. “Is this yours?” Linkara grinned.
“Yes, Critic, you are standing in my ship, Comicron-1. Your harem won’t be able to reach you all the way up here, so you can relax.” Critic actually laughed as relief washed over him and he leaned against one of the ship’s walls.
“I don’t know how to thank you for this, Linkara. I never realized those nutjobs down there were so fucking messed up. I’m just glad to have a calm, sensible friend like you.”
He turned his attention back to Linkara and watched as he fiddled with a switch on the control panel. The room grew darker.
“Hey, Linkara, why are you dimming the lights?” Linkara didn’t answer and pushed a few buttons on the panel.
“Hey, Linkara, why are you putting on soft mood music?” Another few buttons were pressed and out from the wall popped a king-sized bed. Critic peered at it and blinked slowly.
“Hey… Linkara… why is there…?” His words trailed off when the younger man wrapped his arms around his waist.
“Have you ever heard of the trope ‘Last Girl Wins’, Critic?” Linkara asked with a small smile as he guided Critic toward the bed. “It’s my absolute favorite way to end a harem series.”
The title is a line from Chip during a game of Newsflash. I had to use it because of the harem pun. XD
Nostalgia Critic awoke to bright sunlight assaulting his eyes and annoyingly cheerful humming.
“What the hell?” He put on his glasses and watched the Nerd pull back the curtains to his bedroom windows before setting down a tray of food.
“Good fucking morning,” he said with a smile. Critic moaned and pulled the covers back over his head.
“Too early. Come back later.”
“Sorry, Critic, but you’ve already had your allotted 8 hours of sleep, so it’s time to get up.” Critic peeked his head back out to witness Nostalgia Chick walk into his room balancing another tray of food and a clipboard in her arms. Nerd shot her an annoyed look.
“What the fuck is that? It’s my turn to make him breakfast.” Chick set down her tray and shoved the clipboard into Nerd’s chest.
“If you’d read the schedule like I told you to, you would have seen that today is my day to make breakfast for Critic. You’re supposed to be doing his laundry and getting gas for his car.”
When people had come to Critic asking if he would be interested in having his own personal balanced harem, he’d been instantly intrigued by the idea. Who wouldn’t want a group of people offering to do things for him, all sorts of things, while only wanting a bit of affection in return? Critic hadn’t even been forced to do much more than deliver a few kisses so far, since the harem was still sorting out how the more intimate relations would be handled. He hadn’t counted on them starting so early in the morning, however.
“He should still eat my breakfast,” Nerd complained, despite verifying that Chick’s notes were indeed correct. “I made all of his favorite foods.”
“Those foods are completely unhealthy,” Chick argued as she pointed at the plate of bacon and toast slathered in butter and jam. “Critic’s doctor has been concerned about his cholesterol level. That’s why I made him a breakfast that’s nutritious and low in calories, yet still tasty.” Critic seemed slightly taken aback.
“When did you talk to my doctor, Chick? And isn’t it illegal for him to tell you any of my personal information?”
“Don’t worry,” Chick said. “No one knows the record room was broken into.”
“He can still eat my breakfast,” Nerd insisted to Chick, neither one noticing the unsettled expression Critic now bore. “One meal is not going to fucking kill him.”
“Do you really want to take that chance?” Chick asked. Nerd frowned.
“He likes my food better than that shit you’re trying to force down his throat. Go ahead and ask him which one he likes better.”
Critic pulled back his covers, ready to stand up and reassure the two that he would happily eat both their meals, when he realized there was a peacefully sleeping body curled up beside him.
“What the fuck? Film Brain?!” Film Brain’s eyes flew open and he stared lovingly at the other man.
“Good morning, Mr. Critic.”
“You little ass-weasel!” Nerd grabbed the younger man by the neck of his pajama top and shook him roughly. “You know none of us are allowed to sleep with Critic yet!”
“O-oh, is that where I am?” Film Brain put on an expression of utter surprise that was ruined mainly by his joyful smile. “I must have started to walk around in my sleep again and accidentally ended up in the wrong bed.” Chick narrowed her eyes at him.
“You know the rules, Film Brain. If you have unauthorized sex with Critic, you’ll be kicked out of the harem.” Film Brain’s expression grew horrified.
“But we didn’t have sex! I only slept at his side to make sure he was safe all night, and then, well, I did cuddle him a little, but only to make sure he was still breathing! I swear, that’s all!”
“What do you mean, ‘That’s all’?” Critic snapped, looking anything but pleased. “You climbed into my bed without asking me! I feel violated!” Chick looked down at her clipboard and frowned.
“We should kick his ass out,” Nerd demanded, still fuming. “And I want a turn sleeping in Critic’s bed too! Tonight!”
“Don’t I get some say in who I sleep with?” Critic asked, now irritated.
“That’s a very good question. The answer is no.” Everyone turned as Ask That Guy entered the room. “It’s only fair that we draw up a schedule that allows each of us to use him as we please for one night of the week. Only I get two nights, because it was my idea.”
Critic recoiled a little.
“Hey, I never said you could be in my harem, you psychopath! And why aren’t there more women who want in on this?” Ask That Guy chuckled.
“Of course I’m in your harem, Critic. Who else knows more about you and how to make you happy than me?” Critic was about to respond with everyone else in the entire world when he realized Chick was writing again.
“Okay, so I think I have the schedule drawn up,” she said. “Ask That Guy can have the weekend, while we three will take a weekday, and then on Friday we’ll all be with Critic together.” The others seemed fine with this. Critic looked at them in disbelief.
“I am not agreeing to this, you know.”
“So, uh, are there going to be any rules about what we have to wear when we’re sharing a bed?” Nerd asked. Critic hesitated.
“Uh, well I think-”
“Mmm, nah,” Chick interrupted as she started scribbling something on her clipboard. “I’m just going to go ahead and put down ‘Clothing Optional’ right now so we don’t have to debate the issue later.”
“Now wait a minute,” Critic said, his voice becoming comically high thanks to his nerves. “I said I’m not agreeing to-”
“Can’t we just make that a general rule?” Ask That Guy queried as he sucked on the end of his pipe. “It’d be so much easier when I slam Critic against the wall for a quickie if I didn’t have to worry about choking him with his own tie. Actually, that does sound like fun…”
“Hold it!” Critic was starting to sweat now as he realized that nothing he said was going to register with these most likely deranged people. “Don’t I have any say in this?”
“Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Critic.” Film Brain’s wide, adoration-filled eyes caused a swarm of goosebumps to quickly cover his skin. “I’ve already got a matching set of pyjamas we can both wear on my night! I just know they’ll fit you, since I’ve already taken your measurements!”
“Speaking of which, you already had your night, so it’s not your turn again for a week,” Chick said, making a note as she spoke.
“What? But that’s not fair! I didn’t know we were going to start doing this now!” Film Brain whined as he crawled to the end of the bed to pout pathetically at the others. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have come in here-I mean, I wouldn’t have accidentally sleep-walked into his bed.”
“Shut up, dickshit.” Nerd glared down at the younger man. “You’ve had your fun and now it’s my turn, which is why I’m taking him tonight.”
“I simply can’t wait until my nights with him.” Ask That Guy smiled in a most disturbing manner. “I just acquired the highly-desired ‘Gates-of-Hell Penis Plug’ and I am eager to test it out as soon as possible.”
Critic felt sick.
“I-I never agreed to this! You said my harem would listen to what I want, and I do not fucking want that creepy bastard and his fucked up toys anywhere near me!”
“I’ve been thinking about trying that,” Chick told Ask That Guy, oblivious to any protests. “The description really grabbed my attention and I think it would have good results with Critic. He’s really responded well to torture devices in the past, like my Nut Crusher.”
“Chick!” Critic’s face reddened as he stared angrily at the young woman.
“Yeah, I know,” Nerd added with a chuckle. “He just fucking loved this spiked chastity ring I always used make him wear.”
“Can I borrow that?” Film Brain tugged on the Nerd’s shirtsleeve, a slightly glazed expression in his eyes. “I want to make sure I please Mr. Critic as best I can too.”
“Get your own, fuckface.”
“Don’t worry,” Ask That Guy whispered into Film Brain’s ear. “You can borrow mine. I’ll even lend you the ones that have made him come the hardest.” Film Brain’s smile grew manic and Critic couldn’t take it anymore. He slid onto the floor as quickly as he could while his harem discussed the best methods for exploiting his masochistic side and scrambled for the bathroom, where he shut and locked the door in record time.
“I have to get those freaks out of my house,” Critic said. He paused to examine his reflection and realized he was sweating rather heavily. “But first, I need a shower.” After making sure the door and window were secure and absolutely could not be opened, Critic pulled back the shower curtain to turn on the water.
“Bonjour.”
Critic jumped a foot before scowling at the intruder in his shower.
“Damn it, Benzaie, you scared the fuck out of me! What are you doing here? How did you even get in my house?”
“I am so sorry for scaring you.” Benzaie took Critic’s hand and stroked it softly. “I’m here because I have decided to join your harem as well.”
“Isn’t that great?” Critic muttered, rolling his eyes as he yanked his hand back.
“I know, it is!” Benzaie’s glee only made Critic feel sicker. “So I thought we could celebrate by sharing a nice, steamy shower together!”
“I don’t know, Benzaie.” Critic slowly started to back toward the door. “I’m starting to re-think this whole harem idea.”
“I brought a soap-on-a-rope,” Benzaie said in a sing-song voice as he dangled it out before the taller man. “I’ll help you reach all those hard to get areas.”
“Hey, who the fuck’s in there with you!” Sudden pounding from the other side of the door made Critic’s heart leap into his throat.
“It’s just me!’” Benzaie called out. “I’m helping Critic with his shower. Most household accidents occur in the bathroom, you know, so I’m making sure to keep him safe!”
“That is a good point,” Chick murmured in response. “We should come up with a shared bathing schedule as well.”
“I’m first this time!” Film Brain exclaimed.
“Nooooooo!” Critic screamed at the top of his lungs as he shoved open the bathroom door, knocking the other harem members back several feet, and charged out of his room. They were hot on his heels, however, as he sped across the hallway and down the stairs, not even thinking about where he was running to but desperate for an escape.
To Critic’s and everyone’s surprise, he smacked directly into Linkara and rebounded hard enough to land flat on his ass.
“Critic, are you all right?” Linkara offered him a hand and a concerned look. “I didn’t know you were having some sort of race, so I’m sorry to have interrupted.”
“Oh God, Linkara! Save me!” Critic quickly flew behind the younger man and pressed close to his back, using him a human shield. Puzzled, Linkara turned to the others.
“What’s going on?”
“We’re Critic’s harem,” Chick replied. “We’re here to cater to his every whim and provide him with everything he could possibly need, as per his wishes.”
“I never wished for this!” Critic cried, still keeping Linkara protectively in between himself and the group. “I want you people out! Get out of my house right now!”
“Critic, you don’t mean that,” Chick said as she glanced down at her notes. “You’re just cranky from not eating breakfast yet.”
“You should wait until I make mine, Mr. Critic,” Film Brain chimed in. “I’ll make you a proper English breakfast.”
“I’ll let you try my croissant,” Benzaie offered while licking his lips.
“At least have a cup of coffee,” Ask That Guy said, holding out a steaming cup. “It’s fresh, and not at all laced with Rohypnol.”
“I said get out!” Critic was about to unleash another tirade against his harem when his arm was grabbed by Linkara.
“Nimue!” he called into a communicator. “Beam us aboard right now!”
A few moments later, Critic was stunned to find himself standing in the middle of an enormous spaceship.
“Holy shit.” He turned to Linkara. “Is this yours?” Linkara grinned.
“Yes, Critic, you are standing in my ship, Comicron-1. Your harem won’t be able to reach you all the way up here, so you can relax.” Critic actually laughed as relief washed over him and he leaned against one of the ship’s walls.
“I don’t know how to thank you for this, Linkara. I never realized those nutjobs down there were so fucking messed up. I’m just glad to have a calm, sensible friend like you.”
He turned his attention back to Linkara and watched as he fiddled with a switch on the control panel. The room grew darker.
“Hey, Linkara, why are you dimming the lights?” Linkara didn’t answer and pushed a few buttons on the panel.
“Hey, Linkara, why are you putting on soft mood music?” Another few buttons were pressed and out from the wall popped a king-sized bed. Critic peered at it and blinked slowly.
“Hey… Linkara… why is there…?” His words trailed off when the younger man wrapped his arms around his waist.
“Have you ever heard of the trope ‘Last Girl Wins’, Critic?” Linkara asked with a small smile as he guided Critic toward the bed. “It’s my absolute favorite way to end a harem series.”