I'd Rather Be Camping Under a Full Moon
“Can we get this done quickly?” Joe asked from his uncomfortable position of being wedged between RolloT and Y on the sofa. “I don’t want to spend the rest of the night as the meat in this man sandwich.”
“Wouldn’t that be a man-wich?” Roses wondered from her location on a nearby chair.
“Whatever it is, we all know that Sean would still eat it,” RolloT teased.
“Fuck you,” came the reply of the young man sitting on the floor by the couch.
“I have returned with refreshments!” Paw sauntered out from his kitchen with a tray of glasses filled with a thick, red liquid and a plate of raw meat. “Would anyone care for a drink?”
“Yes, thanks.” Roses and RolloT each helped themselves to a glass while Paw put his own glass and the plate on the coffee table. “Anyone else?”
“Not for me,” Y said with a shake of his head. “I still find the thought of drinking blood pretty gross.”
“Oh, but chowing down on innocent woodland animals is not a problem for you?” RolloT asked after taking a sip of his coppery beverage.
“That is not what all werewolves do,” Sean answered with rolled eyes. It was then he noticed Angry Joe shoveling pieces of meat into his mouth. “Joe, you’re not helping our case.”
“Hey, I missed dinner,” he complained, licking a drop of blood from his lips. “Besides, this is beef. You’ve all eaten this too.”
“Yes, but after it’s been grilled to blackened perfection,” Paw replied as he sat in the chair next to Roses.
“I thought vampires didn’t need to eat food anymore,” Y said.
“We don’t, but sometimes we miss the taste,” Roses replied, playing with the glass in her hands. “So we’ll pick up a slice of pizza or a burger every so often.”
“As fascinating as this conversation is, we really should be getting to work,” RolloT said as he leaned forward to hit some keys on his laptop. “And Joe, could you try and aim those pieces of gristle flying from your mouth away from my computer?”
“I make no promises,” Joe answered, his mouth half-full.
“Since Joe still seems determined to stuff his face, I may as well check Twitter,” RolloT muttered while trying to shield his screen from the angry gamer. “Oh look. A fan is asking me if doing a review of ‘Twilight’ would make for a good video to send in to Channel Awesome.”
“Yes, because what we need is yet another person mocking one of the worst creations of this millennium,” Y snarked.
“It might be all right if he could find an original way to mock it,” Roses said with a thoughtful expression.
“Yeah, but more often than not the jokes just devolve into ‘Look at the stupid sparkly vampires! And now they’re being emo!’,” Sean replied.
“I’m ashamed to even be called a vampire along with the likes of that loser Edward,” RolloT said in a disgusted tone.
“I once thought vampires could not get worse than those seen in crappy anime,” Y said as he also shifted away from Joe’s feeding frenzy. “But then ‘Twilight’ came along and made them shittier than I could have ever imagined.”
“Well, some of those vampires aren’t too awful,” Paw mused as he set his empty glass on the table.
“You can’t deny that Alucard of ‘Hellsing’ is one of the biggest badasses of all time,” RolloT declared with a hint of pride in his voice.
“Of course Alucard is awesome,” Sean said, “but he actually does vampiric things, like drinking people’s blood and fighting monsters. The pansy-ass vampires in ‘Twilight’ spend their time going to high school and playing baseball.”
“Well, it’s not like the werewolves did much more,” Roses said, placing her glass beside Paw’s. “Jacob was lame too.”
“That’s because no one cares about werewolves,” RolloT replied dismissively. “Where are all the movies and anime series about werewolves? Oh right, they don’t exist.”
“Uh, are you forgetting that ‘The Wolfman’ recently won an Osacar,” Y said, his expression suddenly tensing.
“Oh yeah, for make-up. Cinema Snob is still complaining about that one,” Roses said.
“Ooh, a shitty movie won an award that no one cares about,” RolloT said in a mocking tone. “I am so wrong about the public’s love for werewolf stories.”
“I also think you’re forgetting about ‘An American Werewolf in London’,” Sean said, who also started to look tenser.
“Oh yes, that popular movie from the 80s,” RolloT replied, his voice even heavier with sarcasm. “Truly we are in a glorious age of werewolf love and adulation!” Angry Joe, finally having swallowed the last piece of meat, wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket.
“Hey, guys, just because there aren’t a lot of werewolf stories out right now doesn’t mean they aren’t popular. Team Jacob is filled with just as many fangirls as Team Edward.”
“It is shocking that so many girls would support such a creepy character as Jacob,” Roses said without thinking. Then she looked alarmed and turned to her friends. “Oh wait, I didn’t mean-”
“You have a lot of nerve calling Jacob creepy when super-sparkly Edward is the king of stalker-ish, abusive, and controlling boyfriends,” Y retorted, now sounding angry.
“Well at least Edward found a teenage girl to love, unlike Jacob who just about came at the sight of their newborn daughter,” RolloT snapped back.
“That abomination of a story element has no reflection on any real werewolf practices or relationships,” Sean yelled back.
“And real vampires don’t sparkle like that fuckwad Edward does!”
“Guys, please, stop!” Paw had jumped from his chair and was holding his arms out in a desperate gesture for peace. “Look at yourselves! You’re arguing about and ready to come to blows over ‘Twilight’ for heaven’s sake! One of the worst pieces of writing to ever exist! The vampires and werewolves both came out looking shitty, so why are we trying to defend them?”
There was silence for a moment before the Transmission Awesome crew started laughing.
“You’re so right,” Roses said to Paw before turning to the others. “Guys, I’m sorry for implying that werewolves are creepy.”
“And I’m sorry for implying that all vampires are sparkly douchebags,” Y said. “I know it’s mainly RolloT who fills that role.”
“Fuck you,” RolloT said while flipping him off.
“So, have you ever seen a werewolf transform in front of you?” Angry Joe asked the vampires.
“No, I don’t think so,” Roses said. Paw and RolloT also shook their heads.
“Well, then tonight I’ll show you something amazing.” Joe slipped off the sofa and walked over to the window. “Feast your eyes on the awesome transformation of not one, but THREE werewolves!” He pulled up the blinds and raised his arms above his head in a triumphant pose. For a moment nothing happened.
“Uh, Joe,” Sean called when the gamer still hadn’t moved after a minute. “The full moon doesn’t appear until tomorrow.”
“…Damn it.”
“Wouldn’t that be a man-wich?” Roses wondered from her location on a nearby chair.
“Whatever it is, we all know that Sean would still eat it,” RolloT teased.
“Fuck you,” came the reply of the young man sitting on the floor by the couch.
“I have returned with refreshments!” Paw sauntered out from his kitchen with a tray of glasses filled with a thick, red liquid and a plate of raw meat. “Would anyone care for a drink?”
“Yes, thanks.” Roses and RolloT each helped themselves to a glass while Paw put his own glass and the plate on the coffee table. “Anyone else?”
“Not for me,” Y said with a shake of his head. “I still find the thought of drinking blood pretty gross.”
“Oh, but chowing down on innocent woodland animals is not a problem for you?” RolloT asked after taking a sip of his coppery beverage.
“That is not what all werewolves do,” Sean answered with rolled eyes. It was then he noticed Angry Joe shoveling pieces of meat into his mouth. “Joe, you’re not helping our case.”
“Hey, I missed dinner,” he complained, licking a drop of blood from his lips. “Besides, this is beef. You’ve all eaten this too.”
“Yes, but after it’s been grilled to blackened perfection,” Paw replied as he sat in the chair next to Roses.
“I thought vampires didn’t need to eat food anymore,” Y said.
“We don’t, but sometimes we miss the taste,” Roses replied, playing with the glass in her hands. “So we’ll pick up a slice of pizza or a burger every so often.”
“As fascinating as this conversation is, we really should be getting to work,” RolloT said as he leaned forward to hit some keys on his laptop. “And Joe, could you try and aim those pieces of gristle flying from your mouth away from my computer?”
“I make no promises,” Joe answered, his mouth half-full.
“Since Joe still seems determined to stuff his face, I may as well check Twitter,” RolloT muttered while trying to shield his screen from the angry gamer. “Oh look. A fan is asking me if doing a review of ‘Twilight’ would make for a good video to send in to Channel Awesome.”
“Yes, because what we need is yet another person mocking one of the worst creations of this millennium,” Y snarked.
“It might be all right if he could find an original way to mock it,” Roses said with a thoughtful expression.
“Yeah, but more often than not the jokes just devolve into ‘Look at the stupid sparkly vampires! And now they’re being emo!’,” Sean replied.
“I’m ashamed to even be called a vampire along with the likes of that loser Edward,” RolloT said in a disgusted tone.
“I once thought vampires could not get worse than those seen in crappy anime,” Y said as he also shifted away from Joe’s feeding frenzy. “But then ‘Twilight’ came along and made them shittier than I could have ever imagined.”
“Well, some of those vampires aren’t too awful,” Paw mused as he set his empty glass on the table.
“You can’t deny that Alucard of ‘Hellsing’ is one of the biggest badasses of all time,” RolloT declared with a hint of pride in his voice.
“Of course Alucard is awesome,” Sean said, “but he actually does vampiric things, like drinking people’s blood and fighting monsters. The pansy-ass vampires in ‘Twilight’ spend their time going to high school and playing baseball.”
“Well, it’s not like the werewolves did much more,” Roses said, placing her glass beside Paw’s. “Jacob was lame too.”
“That’s because no one cares about werewolves,” RolloT replied dismissively. “Where are all the movies and anime series about werewolves? Oh right, they don’t exist.”
“Uh, are you forgetting that ‘The Wolfman’ recently won an Osacar,” Y said, his expression suddenly tensing.
“Oh yeah, for make-up. Cinema Snob is still complaining about that one,” Roses said.
“Ooh, a shitty movie won an award that no one cares about,” RolloT said in a mocking tone. “I am so wrong about the public’s love for werewolf stories.”
“I also think you’re forgetting about ‘An American Werewolf in London’,” Sean said, who also started to look tenser.
“Oh yes, that popular movie from the 80s,” RolloT replied, his voice even heavier with sarcasm. “Truly we are in a glorious age of werewolf love and adulation!” Angry Joe, finally having swallowed the last piece of meat, wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket.
“Hey, guys, just because there aren’t a lot of werewolf stories out right now doesn’t mean they aren’t popular. Team Jacob is filled with just as many fangirls as Team Edward.”
“It is shocking that so many girls would support such a creepy character as Jacob,” Roses said without thinking. Then she looked alarmed and turned to her friends. “Oh wait, I didn’t mean-”
“You have a lot of nerve calling Jacob creepy when super-sparkly Edward is the king of stalker-ish, abusive, and controlling boyfriends,” Y retorted, now sounding angry.
“Well at least Edward found a teenage girl to love, unlike Jacob who just about came at the sight of their newborn daughter,” RolloT snapped back.
“That abomination of a story element has no reflection on any real werewolf practices or relationships,” Sean yelled back.
“And real vampires don’t sparkle like that fuckwad Edward does!”
“Guys, please, stop!” Paw had jumped from his chair and was holding his arms out in a desperate gesture for peace. “Look at yourselves! You’re arguing about and ready to come to blows over ‘Twilight’ for heaven’s sake! One of the worst pieces of writing to ever exist! The vampires and werewolves both came out looking shitty, so why are we trying to defend them?”
There was silence for a moment before the Transmission Awesome crew started laughing.
“You’re so right,” Roses said to Paw before turning to the others. “Guys, I’m sorry for implying that werewolves are creepy.”
“And I’m sorry for implying that all vampires are sparkly douchebags,” Y said. “I know it’s mainly RolloT who fills that role.”
“Fuck you,” RolloT said while flipping him off.
“So, have you ever seen a werewolf transform in front of you?” Angry Joe asked the vampires.
“No, I don’t think so,” Roses said. Paw and RolloT also shook their heads.
“Well, then tonight I’ll show you something amazing.” Joe slipped off the sofa and walked over to the window. “Feast your eyes on the awesome transformation of not one, but THREE werewolves!” He pulled up the blinds and raised his arms above his head in a triumphant pose. For a moment nothing happened.
“Uh, Joe,” Sean called when the gamer still hadn’t moved after a minute. “The full moon doesn’t appear until tomorrow.”
“…Damn it.”