damnable paper
I've been doing alot of thinking... but for some reason its like the moment always passes before i can express the thoughts. Like before I get the chance to tell somebody something, or write it in this journal I lose bits and pieces of the thoughts. Or I break down and decide to simply leave a vauge summary, to not expose myself so fully to the indiscrimiate mass of people who could read this. I've been thinking alot about myself, why i'm nothing, why i have no ambition, why my faith suffers and my soul decays. I'm such an all or nothing type of person that I find it impossible to do anything. I feel like I should be able to do anything, and that if I try something I should try everything and this paralyzes me because to try everything would burn me out, worry me to death and frankly it'd be impossible to do all of everything. Some weird combonation of arrogance, worry-phobia and a desperate fear of failure works against me. I find it so hard to willingly limit myself, to say work for an A in your classes for you four year degree but don't maintain ambitions of graduate school and a doctorate. But I know that I don't want to work for a doctorate, so I feel like I shouldn't strive for those As now, I also don't want to fail or quit out of college so I do just enough to skate by, I have a career 3.01 which to some would be a success, but I know that I could easily do better, but I feel like if I could do better now then I should try to rush to the top. This dilema influences so many different aspects of my life like my faith. I don't feel like I can strive to be a better servant of God because I don't think I can be the best servant of God, but I feel like if I try to be better than I should strive to be the best. I can't accept failure, not even failure to achieve the highest marks, so instead I am stuck in the swamp of mediocrity, floating just about the filthy mire that is failure, but unable... unwilling to lift myself out of the swamp unless I can reach the clouds. But I know the sacrifices, the struggle to reach the clouds and it is just those things that I hate as much as failure. I despise failling and I despise adversity. Its just about the most retarded setting in the world. I am a person who despises failure and I despise the acceptance of the middle ground and the struggle to reach the top... so I lay here neither a could have been nor a was.