i have been incredibly emo lately.
i do everything right. I do what i’m told and when i’m told to do it. I keep my room realitvely clean, i do my homework, i try my hardest to treat everyone around me with respect. I try to be friends with even the kids that get on my nerves. I’m the first to volunteer to help someone and i’m the last to leave their side.
i listen to my parents. I drive the speed limit. I don’t stay out all night. I eat healthy and stay clean from dangerous things.
apparently it doesn’t matter.
I’ve done everything right and all semester things have been crashing down around me.
I might be failing a class. I might lose my scholarship next semester. I have a $265 parking ticket and a court date. I have friends that don’t seem to really give a damn anymore. I have a job where everyone overlooks me. I live in a place where everyone has their groups and friends and i’m never a part of them. i don’t know if i believe in a God who lets innocent people suffer needlessly. I can’t bring myself to get out of bed half the time. I’ve stopped caring about getting better and have fallen back on old, bad habits. And even with my parents on my back to take my medicine, to stick with all my good behaviors i don’t care anymore.
I still feel things, like happy or sad or angry or frustrated but it all feels so superficial. I lie in bed at night and when all my thoughts have finally died down, I don’t feel anything.
Sometimes I’m not sure if i even exist.
And as for this boy who makes absolutely no sense? Well, now i can’t even depend on the easy awkwardness of that. Because I had to go and fuck up and think maybe it meant that he cared a little, when it’s clear that i don’t matter at all when there are prettier and funnier and more popular girls around willing to pay him attention. I thought maybe if i played it safe he would care enough to try and break me down, but i couldn’t even keep myself distant. And he really doesn’t care, when she’s around.
i can’t put up this facade anymore of being in control. I just don’t care. Everything’s slipping out of my reach and i’ll never be able to get it all back.