[fic post] Counting

[oceansex]

Title: Counting
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance/Humor
Pairings or Characters: Naruto/Sasuke, Sakura, minor Iruka/Anko
Warnings: boysexing, and Naruto cries, if that bothers some people
Word Count: 4533
Summary: Naruto, being slightly dense, jumps to conclusions.
Author Notes: Fic originally posted here, but now that reveals are up, figured it'd be

Comments

[aibari]

So I was like, OH HEY HERE'S A NARUTO FIC WHERE I KNOW WHO EVERYONE IS, and then I read on and realised that, no, no I didn't. (GODDAM IT.)

(My knowledge of the characters basically boils down to, Naruto is the idiot, Sasuke has Issues and Sakura's the one with the hair. Oh, and Rock Lee is Neville Longbottom with bigger eyebrows.)

I liked this, though. :) From what I've come to understand of the characters, it's nicely IC, and it's a good read. Also, GODDAMMIT I LOVE YOUR SAKURA. :D

I've got some issues, though;

"I'm sorry Sakura-chan [...]" WHERE IS YOUR COMMA, WHERE HAS IT GONE? ;_;

Also, some of the sentences with the counting felt a bit artifical to me. idk, "After that, Sasuke came another four times and Naruto came two times by dawn, and then by lunch, they had both come five more times." sounds a lot like bragging, which is kind of off-putting. I mean, I see where it's going, but it still ends up sounding like, "AND THEN THEY HAD LOTS OF REALLY HOT SEX".

... theirloveissohostileandannoyed. You sold it with their hostile-yet-hopelessly-in-love bitching. <3

[oceansex]

Naruto is the idiot, Sasuke has Issues and Sakura's the one with the hair. Oh, and Rock Lee is Neville Longbottom with bigger eyebrows.

that's basically it, right there. XD

Sakura was my second favorite part of this fic, right behind Naruto's stupidness lol.

WHERE SHOULD THE COMMA GO? LET ME AMEND THIS IMMEDIATELY. ;_; and the counting part at the end was just to tie in with the counting bit at the beginning. I really didn't care for it myself. and I guess "LOTS AND LOTS OF HAWT MAKE UP SEX ALL OVER THE APARTMENT WAS HAD" would've been a perfectly apt way of ending it, lol.

thank you for reading bb <3

[aibari]

I love it when the ladies kick arse. :D

"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan, but I really need to talk to you!" Because if you don't put the comma there, "I'm sorry" becomes a part of the next bit - so if the next bit can stand alone as a sentence, it works - "I'm sorry I couldn't make it" - but, to quote Wikipedia, "Commas are placed before, after, or around a noun or pronoun used independently in speaking to some person, place, or thing".

The same thing goes here:
"Thanks, Iruka-sensei!"

here:
"NO, Anko! T-That's not it,"

and here:
Do you, Iruka-sensei?"

A good rule of thumb is to sound it out in your head - if there's a short pause, that's usually a good place to put a comma. (But not always, because the English language is tricksy.)

/grammar nerd

Dude, I totally saw what you were doing! I liked the sentence about the kissing - HE LOST COUNT! - and the last sentence was really sweet, but the other things just came off a bit ... weird. Like, you're having RIDICULOUSLY HAWT SEX, how can you keep count of three hundred and eleven obscenities and the more-or-less forty six times names were exchanged? WHAT SORT OF PERSON ARE YOU?!