well-spent
i'm getting dangerously close to yanking my hair out, screaming at the top of my lungs, and start running around in mad circles.
i'm so frustrated and angry and spilled some tears that i can't go back to sleep. i don't even know where to start execept that i'm just a fucking puppet back here at home. what i say or what i do does not matter since it'll always be overlooked. i hate this cow-city. it's like a frigging black hole and it just absorbs you in.
why should i keep my commitment and be a dedicated employee if my employer does not meet his half of the deal? when i was hired, i was told i would be given full time hours, but noooo, they had to hire fat-assed people on the line and give them MY hours instead! call me territorial but i strongly believe in first come, first served. i was here first, the agreement was made between my boss and i. but all those 4 months i've been working for them, i've been given part-time hours.
i took a week off and went to d.c. for my birthday and to visit my friends. i wanted to stay in d.c. so bad. was even talking about quitting work. good god, i should have done that because when i got back home, i find that i'm not even scheduled to work at all this week! too many people working, they say. my ass, the moment i look away, you hire someone else to work full time. i'm being pushed out of my job! there is almost absolutely no job opportunites here, especially for the deaf. god, i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this place. i shouldn't even have packed my suitcase and taken the flight home two days ago!
i am seriously going off on a rampage here. i've just had it with everything here. i don't matter shit to anybody or anything. i'm all by myself. i'm always, always, always fighting for just a little bit of respect and i almost never get it.
this year has been extremely hard on me. i've had to let go of loved ones, have been betrayed by my own blood, am broke outta my ass from the two hell-bent cars, had to leave school and friends, and learn how to live with my immature parents. i want to bitch on and on about how bad it has been for me but i'm just so tired. so tired of fighting. what am i fighting for? where is all this getting me to? my tears are hot and they burn. i'm just losing my mind and patience. nothing seem so short-sighted as it does here.
all i want is to work my plan out and get to where i want to be. i want to pay off gally, start all over again and be a new, committed rachel, go back to school, write, travel and see the world, and to learn all that there is to learn. not fighting with my managers about the hours, my parents to treat me as an adult, and fighting such emotions that just drowns me. i just don't understand what overcomes me sometimes. i don't even know who the hell i am here. i'm tired of trying to find some kind of emotional support. i have nothing left in me. i have never felt so alone in my entire life as i do now.
i've been crying while typing for the past 45 minutes and now i truly feel more spent. i'm just going to crawl back in bed and be in a place where i can put down my weapons and make my dreams come true.
i'm so frustrated and angry and spilled some tears that i can't go back to sleep. i don't even know where to start execept that i'm just a fucking puppet back here at home. what i say or what i do does not matter since it'll always be overlooked. i hate this cow-city. it's like a frigging black hole and it just absorbs you in.
why should i keep my commitment and be a dedicated employee if my employer does not meet his half of the deal? when i was hired, i was told i would be given full time hours, but noooo, they had to hire fat-assed people on the line and give them MY hours instead! call me territorial but i strongly believe in first come, first served. i was here first, the agreement was made between my boss and i. but all those 4 months i've been working for them, i've been given part-time hours.
i took a week off and went to d.c. for my birthday and to visit my friends. i wanted to stay in d.c. so bad. was even talking about quitting work. good god, i should have done that because when i got back home, i find that i'm not even scheduled to work at all this week! too many people working, they say. my ass, the moment i look away, you hire someone else to work full time. i'm being pushed out of my job! there is almost absolutely no job opportunites here, especially for the deaf. god, i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this place. i shouldn't even have packed my suitcase and taken the flight home two days ago!
i am seriously going off on a rampage here. i've just had it with everything here. i don't matter shit to anybody or anything. i'm all by myself. i'm always, always, always fighting for just a little bit of respect and i almost never get it.
this year has been extremely hard on me. i've had to let go of loved ones, have been betrayed by my own blood, am broke outta my ass from the two hell-bent cars, had to leave school and friends, and learn how to live with my immature parents. i want to bitch on and on about how bad it has been for me but i'm just so tired. so tired of fighting. what am i fighting for? where is all this getting me to? my tears are hot and they burn. i'm just losing my mind and patience. nothing seem so short-sighted as it does here.
all i want is to work my plan out and get to where i want to be. i want to pay off gally, start all over again and be a new, committed rachel, go back to school, write, travel and see the world, and to learn all that there is to learn. not fighting with my managers about the hours, my parents to treat me as an adult, and fighting such emotions that just drowns me. i just don't understand what overcomes me sometimes. i don't even know who the hell i am here. i'm tired of trying to find some kind of emotional support. i have nothing left in me. i have never felt so alone in my entire life as i do now.
i've been crying while typing for the past 45 minutes and now i truly feel more spent. i'm just going to crawl back in bed and be in a place where i can put down my weapons and make my dreams come true.