(no subject)
I think a response has come to the great push for marriage. Its become an all too central concern of mine lately, it appears to be coming up everywhere. And I think I was given an opportunity to see something else. As I was riding with one of the owners of the farm, I begin the round of questioning, posed to someone who I see as a potential mentor. His life is non traditional, his views are somewhat radical, he is, as i discovered on this trip an anarchist. At the end of it I was pretty sure I was too, well, maybe a moderate anarchist (if thats possible). So he has 2 kids. He's 39, I think, and has a one year old, which makes me feel good about my family planning time frame. He is not married, in large part because of his anarchist politics and also in solidarity with queers, which I feel like a lot of straight people do a lot of talking about but when it comes down to it, they tie that legal knot anyway. Also he talked about the idea of 2 people agreeing to be together for a certain amount of time, 10 years, 7 years, whatever. And at the end, deciding, evaluating and going for "renewal" or pursuing other things. He thinks it helps counter the stigma of divorce, in that way that people do not often stay married "successfully" for life anyhow. If we don't subscribe to the "til death do you part marriage" then this is a model that allows us to transition into new types of relationships with a significant person in our lives. It makes sense. Its scary. And I don't know if I could ever calm my jealousy enough to put it into practice. But I like it.
And primarily, in my ideal, I like the idea of abundance, of abundant family, people gathered close to me, having their own little places in my heart. It would take so much mindfulness to make sure everyone was taken care of, and dynamics did not get to complicated or messy. For example, Rondia says she's getting married. I feel jealous, and left out, but mainly, i am saddened by the loss of a specific place in her life, I want to know that no matter who she is with my place isn't up for grabs, or threatened. I can make space for some honeymooning, nesting, whatever, but when you get done with that I want to still be important, needed, unique. I would totally build a life with her and her wife, there is a level I don't necessarily need to go to with her, i'm happy for someone else to be that for her, but I want to be irreplaceable in my way. And I feel like the same is true for kristin. I want abundant love and family, and the more I am given, the more sources, the more loves, then the more I have to give, in different ways, in whatever ways people need to see that love manifested. Thats my little idea, its not about fucking lots of people, because I am probably too jealous for that, but it is about not giving up love, but rather loving the people who are most important to me through time and in different articulations in my life, lover, friend, partner in crime, collaborator, co-parent . That's my alternative to that exclusive forever marriage. It my idea of family. It will be hard and it will suck in moments and the potential for yr heart break is exponentially larger, but the potential for abundant, diverse, holistic love is too. I had forgotten my ideal. I have been worried about being good enough to be wanted forever. I have been thinking about my age and the years passing and being worried about who will keep me. I just forgot. I keep me. So much harder from here. Other people love me and hold me up. And I do the same. But I keep me.
And primarily, in my ideal, I like the idea of abundance, of abundant family, people gathered close to me, having their own little places in my heart. It would take so much mindfulness to make sure everyone was taken care of, and dynamics did not get to complicated or messy. For example, Rondia says she's getting married. I feel jealous, and left out, but mainly, i am saddened by the loss of a specific place in her life, I want to know that no matter who she is with my place isn't up for grabs, or threatened. I can make space for some honeymooning, nesting, whatever, but when you get done with that I want to still be important, needed, unique. I would totally build a life with her and her wife, there is a level I don't necessarily need to go to with her, i'm happy for someone else to be that for her, but I want to be irreplaceable in my way. And I feel like the same is true for kristin. I want abundant love and family, and the more I am given, the more sources, the more loves, then the more I have to give, in different ways, in whatever ways people need to see that love manifested. Thats my little idea, its not about fucking lots of people, because I am probably too jealous for that, but it is about not giving up love, but rather loving the people who are most important to me through time and in different articulations in my life, lover, friend, partner in crime, collaborator, co-parent . That's my alternative to that exclusive forever marriage. It my idea of family. It will be hard and it will suck in moments and the potential for yr heart break is exponentially larger, but the potential for abundant, diverse, holistic love is too. I had forgotten my ideal. I have been worried about being good enough to be wanted forever. I have been thinking about my age and the years passing and being worried about who will keep me. I just forgot. I keep me. So much harder from here. Other people love me and hold me up. And I do the same. But I keep me.