Not to be melodramatic, but...
There's nothing like finding out that your mom, who you thought you had managed to repair your relationship with, actually thinks that you're basically a mess, who doesn't have your life on the right track and is wasting everything and not making the most of your opportunities. Nothing like finding this out from your younger brother, to whom your mom has apparently been talking to about all this.
I apologize in advance. If you want to reminded of how you probably sounded during high school, please keep reading behind the cut.
Nothing like knowing that when I TRIED to talk to her about issues I thought she was having (and turned out to be having) she denied everything and said that it was fine. Apparently the best way to handle yourself as a mother is to be passive aggressive and talk behind your daughter's back while not actually wanting to talk about what's wrong. Whenever I try to engage her in such a conversation she skirts around it.
I feel completely blind-sided, like I've been slapped in the face while having a cheerful conversation with a close friend. I can't sleep. It's almost four in the morning and I need to get up tomorrow, but I'm basically just a wreck.
I know parents always want their kids to do better, and always nag them about what they should be doing, but I feel like this goes beyond that. I haven't really liked who I am recently, but I feel like I'm getting better and improving myself, and to realize that not only does my mother not see any of that but in fact feels like I've been getting worse is just a complete setback in any progress I've made. I already think that I'm a loser on a regular basis, I don't need my MOTHER thinking this as well.
For god's sake I'm in fucking Buenos Aires. I knew before I left that while I was here she wanted me to take time off with Jack and "experiment" with other guys, and I knew she was disappointed that I wasn't going to, but she denied that she was. And then it turns out that she is. Allow me to repeat myself, my mother is disappointed because while I'm in Buenos Aires I am not "playing the scene" and am remaining loyal to my boyfriend, who quite frankly has done a hell of a lot more than she has in the Danielle-improvement department.
She's always saying that I'm not the same person that I used to be, that she doesn't know where this happy, easy going, fearless etc etc Danielle went. She told me this over the summer when it was revealed I was afraid of spiders. Kids, I have hated spiders since at least ten years of age. Just because she never got to know her own daughter because she was dealing with her son's OCD and her own depression and divorce does NOT mean that she should now be surprised because that daughter is a real person and not some happy-go-lucky caricature of a little girl. Yes, I'm afraid of fucking spiders. Another gem, she was surprised to learn that people would apply the word "neurotic" to my personality. She insists that I am far from neurotic. Oh really? Has she been living with me for the past twenty years? I guess she hasn't, just her own projected image of what she wanted my personality to be.
I'm sorry that this entry is what it is, I honestly just can't sleep, and this has been building for a very long time. I'll admit, half of the reason I do the things I do is to impress my family, and have them think that I'm not a loser. I'll admit, I was a lot more involved when I was in high school and middle school than I am now. But so much of that stuff I just did because I felt like I was expected to, and because I knew it would look good on a college application. Stuff like Youth Court and Reality Check. Isn't it better that I'm now trying to do things that I actually enjoy, even if they wouldn't look amazing on a resume?
Yes, I do need to work on myself, and I do need to make some changes, but she should be supporting me and helping me; changing is difficult enough as it is without knowing that your mother secretly thinks you're becoming the equivalent of, I don't know, an inert pile of cottage cheese mixed with jelly consommé. It's just so hard when you already hate the person you are, and feel trapped by just being yourself, and then you find out that the more your mother learns about the person you are instead of the person she thought you were, she begins to hate (perhaps hate is too strong...have much distaste for?) that person as well. I mean, hell, if your mom can accept who you are, then who can?
lolz.
I apologize in advance. If you want to reminded of how you probably sounded during high school, please keep reading behind the cut.
Nothing like knowing that when I TRIED to talk to her about issues I thought she was having (and turned out to be having) she denied everything and said that it was fine. Apparently the best way to handle yourself as a mother is to be passive aggressive and talk behind your daughter's back while not actually wanting to talk about what's wrong. Whenever I try to engage her in such a conversation she skirts around it.
I feel completely blind-sided, like I've been slapped in the face while having a cheerful conversation with a close friend. I can't sleep. It's almost four in the morning and I need to get up tomorrow, but I'm basically just a wreck.
I know parents always want their kids to do better, and always nag them about what they should be doing, but I feel like this goes beyond that. I haven't really liked who I am recently, but I feel like I'm getting better and improving myself, and to realize that not only does my mother not see any of that but in fact feels like I've been getting worse is just a complete setback in any progress I've made. I already think that I'm a loser on a regular basis, I don't need my MOTHER thinking this as well.
For god's sake I'm in fucking Buenos Aires. I knew before I left that while I was here she wanted me to take time off with Jack and "experiment" with other guys, and I knew she was disappointed that I wasn't going to, but she denied that she was. And then it turns out that she is. Allow me to repeat myself, my mother is disappointed because while I'm in Buenos Aires I am not "playing the scene" and am remaining loyal to my boyfriend, who quite frankly has done a hell of a lot more than she has in the Danielle-improvement department.
She's always saying that I'm not the same person that I used to be, that she doesn't know where this happy, easy going, fearless etc etc Danielle went. She told me this over the summer when it was revealed I was afraid of spiders. Kids, I have hated spiders since at least ten years of age. Just because she never got to know her own daughter because she was dealing with her son's OCD and her own depression and divorce does NOT mean that she should now be surprised because that daughter is a real person and not some happy-go-lucky caricature of a little girl. Yes, I'm afraid of fucking spiders. Another gem, she was surprised to learn that people would apply the word "neurotic" to my personality. She insists that I am far from neurotic. Oh really? Has she been living with me for the past twenty years? I guess she hasn't, just her own projected image of what she wanted my personality to be.
I'm sorry that this entry is what it is, I honestly just can't sleep, and this has been building for a very long time. I'll admit, half of the reason I do the things I do is to impress my family, and have them think that I'm not a loser. I'll admit, I was a lot more involved when I was in high school and middle school than I am now. But so much of that stuff I just did because I felt like I was expected to, and because I knew it would look good on a college application. Stuff like Youth Court and Reality Check. Isn't it better that I'm now trying to do things that I actually enjoy, even if they wouldn't look amazing on a resume?
Yes, I do need to work on myself, and I do need to make some changes, but she should be supporting me and helping me; changing is difficult enough as it is without knowing that your mother secretly thinks you're becoming the equivalent of, I don't know, an inert pile of cottage cheese mixed with jelly consommé. It's just so hard when you already hate the person you are, and feel trapped by just being yourself, and then you find out that the more your mother learns about the person you are instead of the person she thought you were, she begins to hate (perhaps hate is too strong...have much distaste for?) that person as well. I mean, hell, if your mom can accept who you are, then who can?
lolz.