Thoughts and Such
This is a serious entry, and I really don't care if you read it or not. It's my journal, and I shouldn't have to censor what I say in it.
As I sat here last night, I realized a couple of things. I thought maybe it was my tipsy mind, but alas as I went through the day today, I realized I was correct in my thinking. I'm changing....again.
For three years since I graduated from IUP, I fought hard to remain detached from the people around here. Why? Because I thought I could never become as close to them as the friends I came to love down at school. In my twisted mind, I thought that maybe we all could live together again down the road when school was done and we went out in the real world. Sadly, it'll never happen no matter how hard we try. And even worst, I don't think we'll ever see each other again. Retail sucks, but as much as it sucks, I can't take the time off to trip down south or out east. Two hours was hard enough, even after we all got our cars. Annie and Sam are the only IUPers I hear from at least once every day. It's nice to know they are around. And I'm sure Sam gets sick of me poking him on Facebook. :) Sorry everyone, but I've never been the one to follow the beat of the drum. I can't work normal 9 to 5 hours, and prolly never could. Which means, I'll prolly be in retail/restaurant work the rest of my life. No holidays off, and no weekends. I'm the opposite of everyone else in the working world.
While talking with Mike last night, I realized that I do still have friends here in the city. Mikey, Agnes, and Jenn Graham are high school friends I still get to talk to every once and awhile. Myspace is a wonderful way to keep in touch, even though Mikey is the only one I've seen since high school. I really need to get ahold of Agnes and Jenn. Dale, Jenna, Kyan and soon to be son/daughter will always be apart of my life. I found out I'm the sponsor again for the new baby. Yay! Another "god" child.
And as much as I hate to say it, my co-workers are turning into some fast friends. I've always maintained that I'm at work to work, and not to make friends. But, I guess after 3 years, certain people grow on you. I've been accepted by a bunch of people at work, and I like it. Nichole, Tony DiNicola, Cassie, Joe P., Sara, Duran, Curt, Angela, Jaime, Jeannie, Shanna, and some others are great friends. Most of those people are the ones that I have a blast with on Sunday Funday. Heck Nichole, Sara, Shanna, and I made up a new version to Deck the Halls, called Butter Balls. Remind me, and I'll sing it for you.
For three years at Outback, I never fit in really well. The only thing going for me was that I was in the togo room 99% of the time which is the "gossip" room. I quickly learned that whoever and whatever was said in the togo room stayed there. And I never betrayed that trust to anyone, so therefore had alot of respect from everyone that came into there to bitch, cry, or scream. I also became the confidant of the managers...all of them. They knew that I could be trusted, and so far I haven't screwed that up. I still know pretty much everything that goes on there. And now, I find myself right in the middle of this group of friends. The DJ said it best last night...he has never seen a bunch of coworkers become friends so well and have as much fun as we do.
I see my whole center of life shifting. It used to center around my IUP friends, and now it's the friends I've made here. What makes it even weirder is that I'm becoming social. All throughout college, I was the responsible one. I only went out when I knew who was going to be there, and never drank more than one drink because I was afraid of getting thrown out of college if caught. And actually, I didn't start going out til my senior year when I turned 21. I just couldn't chance it. Hell, I didn't start dating in college until my junior year with the boys that I played around with. Again, I was afraid of ruining my college education, and never slept with a guy.
Here at home, it was quiet since graduation. Sure, we'd go out to the bars once or twice a month, but there were whole months that would go by and I'd never go out. Thinking about it, I was pretty sad. I worked, came home, and slept, and then go to work again. My days off were spent cleaning because I can be a slob when I get on my 5-6 day stretches. I don't have the energy to keep up with trivial stuff like that. My contact with people came through the internet, and heck I even met a guy through it. But just like the rest, he never lasted long because he couldn't handle it that I wouldn't have sex with him. I was still in that shell. Be protected, and all will be good.
Moving out into an apartment helped some. But, still I never got visitors except from the occasional visit from Cassie, Annie, and Chris. I wouldn't of want to stay with me either. That place was tiny. This year threw me into a whole whirlwind of adventure and new friendships. I'm not even sure what sparked everything. Getting this huge apartment is wonderful. I can have people over now, but no one comes to visit. I actually took a chance and let myself crush over a guy, which I haven't done in years. It was a nice night together, but it never did last. But you know what? I haven't felt this alive in a long time. Dancing with Duran and Joe last night felt like a whole new world opened up for me. I've never let myself be social, and I'm really liking this Sunday Funday event. I've even learned to not drink as much, and just dance the night away. It's a great way to release the work stress.
I'm starting to act like myself in front of the Outbackers, which I have never done. Most of them know that I read tarot, and seem to have accepted it. I even get asked to read cards on occasion. This is huge for me, because there is still such a huge taboo on the whole subject. Last night, instead of dressing up for dancing, I showed up in a tanktop covered with a button up tshirt, jeans, and a bandana on my head. My bandanas have always been apart of who I am. I like being comfortable at all times. I have no problem going to the mall, or to Walmart in flannel pants, a tshirt, and my bandana on my head with glasses on. That's just who I am. I've even learned to express my opinion whether right or wrong more, instead of being quiet in the background. Of course, this seems to get me more into trouble, but who cares? The only one it seems to upset is Phil, and he just needs to pull the thorn out of his ass. I've hid in this shell of mine long enough. It seems to be time to explore the world. I had to grow up much too fast, and now I'm doing the things that I should of done 5 years ago. Sad? Yes, but at least I'm being out there in the world and not hiding from it anymore.
Of course, I left a couple of friends out that aren't apart of either world. I've talked to Phillips a couple of times. We talk at least once a month via phone. It's the only time I use any minutes on my cell phone. Heidi is a constant. I can't wait to see her again at the end of December. We'll have a girls night here or something, and play games all night. Eric. What can I say about him? We talk at least once every day, even if it's a "Hey, what's up?" in an im box. That or poke each other on facebook. Not sure about Jay. I didn't hear from him the entire break, even though I sent a text message to wish him Happy Thanksgiving and to let me know if he wanted to stop up. But I hope to see him at least once during the Xmas break. I know he's going to be disappearing this month alot with the concert season coming up for the holidays.
I had a bit of the gypsy in me tonight as I couldn't stand being couped up on a nice night inside. Even though this feeling hit me at 12:30am. I jumped in my car and drove around the upper west side. It's the only place I truly feel safe in the city. I drove to Lords parking lot and around the baseball field there. Alas I wanted to get out of my car and walk around, but there were still people and cars around. I didn't like that, so I drove all the way out to Walnut Creek Middle School. Now that was the perfect place. It was all lit up in the parking lot, but set back enough from the road to not hear any traffic. Though, there wasn't a whole lot at that time anyways. It was cloudy, so there was no chance of seeing the stars, which would of been nice. But I turned off my car, except for the cd player and opened my window. I got out o the car, and laid on my hood of my car staring up the sky. That was soo quiet. I even heard some bats flying around. I was where Outback does the MYAA Softball Tournament by the fields. I knew I was only a couple of feet from Angela's house, but it was already around 1:30am, and I didn't want to wake her up. I thought some things out, mainly alot of what I already wrote in here, and then got cold. Back in the car I got, and drove the back way around to Outback. Where, for some reason Phil was the only one at the restaurant. I'll never understand that. Drove around the restaurant and back out to the light, and back home via the highway. I got the gypsy out of me, but I know that if this was IUP, I'd be in the bandlot and or walking around in Robertshaw, either alone or with Sam. How I miss those walks...
Hmm, an hour or so later here I sit writing all this down. Apparently, I pissed some people off with what I said earlier. Eh, doesn't really bother me anymore. Like I said, I say what I say and it's my journal. I'm changing, and so are the rest of You. (The collective you.) We can't be what we used to be. I'm getting older and I'm accepting that. I've had to grow up and take care of myself. I have no guy to fall back on. I couldn't be in school to get meaningless degrees or diplomas and if that means not being able to do what I truly want to do, so be it! But in the long run, this is teaching me more than having my dream come true.
And to quote my favorite wrestlers, "And if you're not down with that, we've just got two words for ya...SUCK IT!"
As I sat here last night, I realized a couple of things. I thought maybe it was my tipsy mind, but alas as I went through the day today, I realized I was correct in my thinking. I'm changing....again.
For three years since I graduated from IUP, I fought hard to remain detached from the people around here. Why? Because I thought I could never become as close to them as the friends I came to love down at school. In my twisted mind, I thought that maybe we all could live together again down the road when school was done and we went out in the real world. Sadly, it'll never happen no matter how hard we try. And even worst, I don't think we'll ever see each other again. Retail sucks, but as much as it sucks, I can't take the time off to trip down south or out east. Two hours was hard enough, even after we all got our cars. Annie and Sam are the only IUPers I hear from at least once every day. It's nice to know they are around. And I'm sure Sam gets sick of me poking him on Facebook. :) Sorry everyone, but I've never been the one to follow the beat of the drum. I can't work normal 9 to 5 hours, and prolly never could. Which means, I'll prolly be in retail/restaurant work the rest of my life. No holidays off, and no weekends. I'm the opposite of everyone else in the working world.
While talking with Mike last night, I realized that I do still have friends here in the city. Mikey, Agnes, and Jenn Graham are high school friends I still get to talk to every once and awhile. Myspace is a wonderful way to keep in touch, even though Mikey is the only one I've seen since high school. I really need to get ahold of Agnes and Jenn. Dale, Jenna, Kyan and soon to be son/daughter will always be apart of my life. I found out I'm the sponsor again for the new baby. Yay! Another "god" child.
And as much as I hate to say it, my co-workers are turning into some fast friends. I've always maintained that I'm at work to work, and not to make friends. But, I guess after 3 years, certain people grow on you. I've been accepted by a bunch of people at work, and I like it. Nichole, Tony DiNicola, Cassie, Joe P., Sara, Duran, Curt, Angela, Jaime, Jeannie, Shanna, and some others are great friends. Most of those people are the ones that I have a blast with on Sunday Funday. Heck Nichole, Sara, Shanna, and I made up a new version to Deck the Halls, called Butter Balls. Remind me, and I'll sing it for you.
For three years at Outback, I never fit in really well. The only thing going for me was that I was in the togo room 99% of the time which is the "gossip" room. I quickly learned that whoever and whatever was said in the togo room stayed there. And I never betrayed that trust to anyone, so therefore had alot of respect from everyone that came into there to bitch, cry, or scream. I also became the confidant of the managers...all of them. They knew that I could be trusted, and so far I haven't screwed that up. I still know pretty much everything that goes on there. And now, I find myself right in the middle of this group of friends. The DJ said it best last night...he has never seen a bunch of coworkers become friends so well and have as much fun as we do.
I see my whole center of life shifting. It used to center around my IUP friends, and now it's the friends I've made here. What makes it even weirder is that I'm becoming social. All throughout college, I was the responsible one. I only went out when I knew who was going to be there, and never drank more than one drink because I was afraid of getting thrown out of college if caught. And actually, I didn't start going out til my senior year when I turned 21. I just couldn't chance it. Hell, I didn't start dating in college until my junior year with the boys that I played around with. Again, I was afraid of ruining my college education, and never slept with a guy.
Here at home, it was quiet since graduation. Sure, we'd go out to the bars once or twice a month, but there were whole months that would go by and I'd never go out. Thinking about it, I was pretty sad. I worked, came home, and slept, and then go to work again. My days off were spent cleaning because I can be a slob when I get on my 5-6 day stretches. I don't have the energy to keep up with trivial stuff like that. My contact with people came through the internet, and heck I even met a guy through it. But just like the rest, he never lasted long because he couldn't handle it that I wouldn't have sex with him. I was still in that shell. Be protected, and all will be good.
Moving out into an apartment helped some. But, still I never got visitors except from the occasional visit from Cassie, Annie, and Chris. I wouldn't of want to stay with me either. That place was tiny. This year threw me into a whole whirlwind of adventure and new friendships. I'm not even sure what sparked everything. Getting this huge apartment is wonderful. I can have people over now, but no one comes to visit. I actually took a chance and let myself crush over a guy, which I haven't done in years. It was a nice night together, but it never did last. But you know what? I haven't felt this alive in a long time. Dancing with Duran and Joe last night felt like a whole new world opened up for me. I've never let myself be social, and I'm really liking this Sunday Funday event. I've even learned to not drink as much, and just dance the night away. It's a great way to release the work stress.
I'm starting to act like myself in front of the Outbackers, which I have never done. Most of them know that I read tarot, and seem to have accepted it. I even get asked to read cards on occasion. This is huge for me, because there is still such a huge taboo on the whole subject. Last night, instead of dressing up for dancing, I showed up in a tanktop covered with a button up tshirt, jeans, and a bandana on my head. My bandanas have always been apart of who I am. I like being comfortable at all times. I have no problem going to the mall, or to Walmart in flannel pants, a tshirt, and my bandana on my head with glasses on. That's just who I am. I've even learned to express my opinion whether right or wrong more, instead of being quiet in the background. Of course, this seems to get me more into trouble, but who cares? The only one it seems to upset is Phil, and he just needs to pull the thorn out of his ass. I've hid in this shell of mine long enough. It seems to be time to explore the world. I had to grow up much too fast, and now I'm doing the things that I should of done 5 years ago. Sad? Yes, but at least I'm being out there in the world and not hiding from it anymore.
Of course, I left a couple of friends out that aren't apart of either world. I've talked to Phillips a couple of times. We talk at least once a month via phone. It's the only time I use any minutes on my cell phone. Heidi is a constant. I can't wait to see her again at the end of December. We'll have a girls night here or something, and play games all night. Eric. What can I say about him? We talk at least once every day, even if it's a "Hey, what's up?" in an im box. That or poke each other on facebook. Not sure about Jay. I didn't hear from him the entire break, even though I sent a text message to wish him Happy Thanksgiving and to let me know if he wanted to stop up. But I hope to see him at least once during the Xmas break. I know he's going to be disappearing this month alot with the concert season coming up for the holidays.
I had a bit of the gypsy in me tonight as I couldn't stand being couped up on a nice night inside. Even though this feeling hit me at 12:30am. I jumped in my car and drove around the upper west side. It's the only place I truly feel safe in the city. I drove to Lords parking lot and around the baseball field there. Alas I wanted to get out of my car and walk around, but there were still people and cars around. I didn't like that, so I drove all the way out to Walnut Creek Middle School. Now that was the perfect place. It was all lit up in the parking lot, but set back enough from the road to not hear any traffic. Though, there wasn't a whole lot at that time anyways. It was cloudy, so there was no chance of seeing the stars, which would of been nice. But I turned off my car, except for the cd player and opened my window. I got out o the car, and laid on my hood of my car staring up the sky. That was soo quiet. I even heard some bats flying around. I was where Outback does the MYAA Softball Tournament by the fields. I knew I was only a couple of feet from Angela's house, but it was already around 1:30am, and I didn't want to wake her up. I thought some things out, mainly alot of what I already wrote in here, and then got cold. Back in the car I got, and drove the back way around to Outback. Where, for some reason Phil was the only one at the restaurant. I'll never understand that. Drove around the restaurant and back out to the light, and back home via the highway. I got the gypsy out of me, but I know that if this was IUP, I'd be in the bandlot and or walking around in Robertshaw, either alone or with Sam. How I miss those walks...
Hmm, an hour or so later here I sit writing all this down. Apparently, I pissed some people off with what I said earlier. Eh, doesn't really bother me anymore. Like I said, I say what I say and it's my journal. I'm changing, and so are the rest of You. (The collective you.) We can't be what we used to be. I'm getting older and I'm accepting that. I've had to grow up and take care of myself. I have no guy to fall back on. I couldn't be in school to get meaningless degrees or diplomas and if that means not being able to do what I truly want to do, so be it! But in the long run, this is teaching me more than having my dream come true.
And to quote my favorite wrestlers, "And if you're not down with that, we've just got two words for ya...SUCK IT!"